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Wednesday, September 20, 2017


It's been so fuckin hot today, I think my balls smell like Steve Buscemi's face.

Sunday, September 10, 2017



lives a promiscious lifestyle

  • my cat gets an abortion
  • the planned parebthood refused to give my cat abortion. 
  • they wont let her in, ph what? because my cat isnt a real feminist? 
  • just because she likes to shave her legs. 



You know I told my gf that when I die, I wanna die in my bed, doing someone that I love. 

You know you should never never put it inside your girlfriend's but without asking. Especially if its a razor blade. 

if your anything like me youve tried to stick it inside your girlfriends ass without asking, but let me tell you, apparently youre a monster. because you dont understand how it hurts. having a razor blade inside your butthole. 

i think its sick that black ppl were once considered to be 3/5ths of a person. everyone knows theyre only worth 1/5. 

Anne Frank and Justin Bieber. They were both discovered at such a young age. 

The guy whose bad at being racist. hes like, go playing a game of basketball, you dirty asian. 

i used to have a gf who liked it when i choked her, I mean to the point where she passed out. and one time I choked her so hard, I had to find a new girlfriend. 

you know comedians usually come up here and say something like, what a beautiful audience. But we're gunna have to skip that part of the show. 
Im not saying were dealing a room full of complete dumpster fires, Im just saying even Bill Cosby would have trouble finding someone to rape, in this audience. 
Im not saying this room is full of ugly people, but if I was an ISIS terrorist, I would think I just found my 72 virgins. 

i remember I was at the grocery store and I 

I hate it when 

i just had dental surgery and I can still taste blood in the back of my throat.... I probably shouldnt have eaten out of my girlfriend on her period. 

have you ever let a guy pee on your chest? 
Did you pass your test?

I like to furiously beat off... nazi zombies when Im playing Call of Duty. 

I like to hit women...up when I need a date for a wedding. 

I like to fuck children...out of their lunch money. 

I think the holocaust was a necessary event.. to teach children in grade school. 

I accidently spilled my juice. 
Kill  the Jews 

you know Ive always thought Hitler was such a hipster; think about it, he was a vegan, he was a failed artist and he a retro moustache look. 

he had ideas that went outside of the mainstream, he had trendy facial hair. 

my girlfriend tried to help me because i was feeling nervous before this performance. 
she says, you dont think hitler got nervous before his comedy open mics. 

isnt it crazy that there the nazis and hitler had such an effect on history that this (nazi salute) is considered an obscene gesture. 

LeVonna. You're a Chocolate Goose.

Her name is LeVonna. 
Hot like a sauna.

I play that ass like I'm Licktenshtine.
I strangle that neck Im Frankenstein.

As booshy.
As the bourgeoise.

A horse drawn carriage.
For you and me.

Your bootylicious, like Beyonce.
is there a shawtie that got game on you, I cant say

She's a one hour visual album.
Is that pee I smell, or lemonade.

She's the top notch nigger.
Oh fuck, I'm triggered.

Don't introduce her to your father.
Unless you want a bra-ther. 

LeVonna you're a chocolate goose.

And you're pussy gives me boners like Dr. Seuss.

Tinder Profile

Just your average valley girl trying to make it in LA as a tortoise trainer. They have extremely tiny ears so you have to use a megaphone to communicate with them. They eat a diet of raw eggs and protein shakes because theyre all pro-wrestlers. You dont know what its like having to maintain a reputation as the guy who beat the hare in the 10k. Its a hard life which is why the suicide rate in the tortoise community skyrocketed in the late 1990s. Due to the high suicide rate in the Tortoise-American community, the tortoise I look after, DeMarcus, is on xanex, antidepressants and zoloft. He takes 3 sleeping pills a night. And a quick hit of some Purple kush to take the edge off. Tortoises have a tendency to dream in Spanish so the marijuana, a Mexican cuisine, helps the tortoises reconnect with their Latin roots. By the way, DeMarcus's favorite movie is Roots. DeMarcus is very passionate about the black struggle. He posts very strongly worded facebook posts about it everyday because he wants to do his part in ending racism. Do the high rate of political activism in the Tortoise-American community, tortoises have some of the highest voter turnout rates of any minority group in the United States. Most tortoises are economically liberal but socially conservative. This is do to their strong Roman Catholic backgrounds. DeMarcus is very displeased with this new progressive Pope. DeMarcus, who feels Catholicism is socially progressing in a direction that he doesnt feel comfortable with. Consequentially, he is thinking about becoming a Mormon. Because he also wants to be denied the position of Secretary of State. 


When you're near your Mom's vagina and you get that homesick feeling. 


High School logic. shes not fat enough to bully. there are fatter ppl to bully. All the kids are out on the playground, next to their friends in the jungle gym, just watching the fat kid go by, being like, Just wait, just wait, give it another 15-20 pounds, and then we’ll start bullying him. Like, don’t get me wrong, he’s at a low point in his life right now, but we want to wait until this 6 year old has hit rock bottom. Like, he’s a fat 6 year old and that sucks but lets just wait until he starts falling behind on his mortgage payments. he misfiles his w2 forms and he’s dodging the IRS, and their finally coming after him with serious jail time. I mean come on, what else to fat 6 year olds deal with. Oh, His pet bunny rabbit dies of syphllis. And because he’s so behind on his taxes and his mortgage payments, he can’t even afford the syphllis medication. And that’s a hard chose for a 6 year old to have to make, the home you’ve lived in all your life or your slutty STD ridden bunny. And a little side note, this fat 6 year old just happens to be Catholic, so he might think that his slutty bunny dying of an STD might be apart of God’s plan. And lets get back to the topic at hand. I mean these elementary kids are relentless. And they know, this little definitely not getting to finger any of those little hotties in his 2nd grade arts and crafts class, no no no, its all just paper mashie ducks and red firetruck cranyon drawings. And he’s gotta sit through Ms. Henderson’s live reenactment from an episode of Magical School Bus, when he’d really rather be knee deep in some of that sweet 6 year old footie tang. And listen Fat Jennet is in his league. I mean Fat Jennet is a 4, at best. And our little 6 year old, he feels like a solid 5. And he know he can get a 4. 

LeVonna. My Wet Hot Sauna.

You're my moon, 
you're my stars, 
and our love is greater
than the distance to Mars.
I love your hair. 
I love your skin, 
and when I'm with 
I can't help but sin. 

you're my hot wet sauna.