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Monday, December 28, 2015

The Life & Times of the Rebel King: Claret & Carcass

A helmet and lance. 
Story told throughout history.
Built on blood and bones.

The Life & Times of the Rebel King: Paladins of Yesteryear

Hey look at this.
I remember Spartacus.
So love him we must.

The Life & Times of the Rebel King: The Squalls of Profligacy

Shouting for freedom.
The man, the myth, the legend.
He is Spartacus.

The Life & Times of the Rebel King: Vestige of the Bedrock

Gladiators rise.
Banging on the steps of Rome.
Rome’s days are ending.

The Life & Times of the Rebel King: Saber & Glaive

Raise swords my brothers.
We have created something.
Something amazing.

The Life & Times of the Rebel King: Accolades of the Arena

A slave no longer.
A toy for the arena.
No never again.

An Ecstasy of Inadequacy

The darkness pierces through me like a thousand daggers.
Witnessing the deterioration of the endeavors I set out for in this life.
Dreams once sought after, killed by strife.
The frustration of my non-success comes down upon me like a crashing thunder.
The destruction of all the possibilities of fruitful wonders.
Now, my heart is slaughtered by the plow.
Like Harlem, my blood's gone blue.
And the tin soldiers stop their assembling.
My face is weary wrinkled and wronged. struggle
My eyes are weary and I can't stop the blades.
Its like Gods gone cold, and put up the shades.

The Chronicles of The Great War: 1919

Till 1919. 
A long war took many a teen. 
It was quite a seen. 

I Still Love You, Los Angeles

Gracious skies of amber blue eyes.
by a thousand artists
boom across the radio speakers
telling tales
of our infinite enchantment.
Though your charcoaled skies
maybe full of polluted poisons
of infinite proportions.
I still love you Los Angeles. 
Is it the road rage of a single city.
Or will the Boise boys of Idaho
flip me the birdy to.
Or is that only a courtesy I’ll find
here in the ocean side city of
dreams of fame drunken 
I find tranquility
in the traffic congested trails
of concrete treachery
known as freeways.
And even through
all the forty minute
drives I’ve driven
With my ipod dead
and no book I haven’t read.
I still love you Los Angeles.
I find peace in the
monday mornings
in which Ryan Seacrest
fills my ears.
KISS FM.
And your top 40 selection
 I truthfully cant stop singing
 Miley Cyrus’s party in the USA
And I don’t care for Miley Cyrus.
And as I walk through the valley of death.
I share fear no celebrity.
And I shall always approach them
Because they obviously want
to take that memorable pic
that’s totally going on my facebook.
My twitter.
My tumblr.
My instragram.
Cause my systems are blowing.
Where’s Elijah wood going?
Come back I still need you to sign
an autograph for me. 
Don’t care
about your
congested traffic
the metropolitan
melting pot
that rests
within the coastal county
 of everlasting perfection.
Of our enchantment
Los Angeles.
I love you
Hollywood hipsters
and your infinitely
repulsive musical tastes.
The greatest city.
Within the greatest state.
Within the greatest country.
And I’m blessed.
Because life in this lane.
On this crazy Hollywood train.
It’s as fast as a NASCAR.
And faster.
This city
has a heartbeat
 of its own.
And it beats
to the tune
of its own drum.
And though we may
 not always get along
all the time
because of it,
I still love you Los Angeles.  

Sunday, December 27, 2015

Long Days

All I do all day is throw raps and rhymes together.
My worries are weightless, and light as a feather.
So I spent the hours of my hourglass try-in be better.
When I had a bad day.
This is what I say.
Grab your palms, have a moment of zen.
Now your calm, so you pick up the pen.
Write a tune.
Real soon.
About a balloon, goon, koon or the moon.
Systematically its a simplification.
An aristocratically overstepped generalization.
But democratically we've found your patience.
Started low.
Now there you go!
What masterpiece comes next...?
I want to see the rest!
Every artist!
Works their hardest!
To see themselves known!
To see their art shown!
The road...that puts you in this fame-gamed mode.
Doesn't seem like quite a load!
But your a tortquoise, against a toad!
The hazard of hardship have not been showed!
You may throw words away!
But that is quite absurd, okay???
The road ahead shall not shine gray!
You must have a tune to play!
Lust will help you find a way!
Oh my advice may make you groan, and moan and moan.
But when your famous, you'll ring me on the telephone!
And your apologies may well atone.
For the success that I have sown!
Dude! Just cut out the attitude!
And hold back your prissy mood!
I know, I know...
It isn't right! It isn't right! Dreadfully long days drag to the night!
Oh no! Your almost out of fight!
You've lost your bark, and you've lost your bite!
And your spark! Its almost out of light.  
But a writer will write...and write...and write and go and go and go.
That's the only truth the poets knows.
homegrown talent!
for a homegrown ballet.
nobody knows!
Every art deserves to be shown!
And every artist deserves to be known!
There you go!
Feel the calm, hold your palm.
Write a tune,
Get inspired, start a fire, admired.
A manifestation of, of patience.

The Horrible No Good Very Bad BreakUp

        Last week, I drank for the first time in a long time. It was the first I had ever tried to drink with the intention of subduing some level of pain I was feeling at the time. I heard people drink for that reason. I thought I might as well give it a try.
       Since Cassey and I broke up a week ago I've been drinking more. And I'm not a drinker. Its hard to take my mind off of her when its all so fresh. I wish I could speed things up. Skip to the next chapter of my life where I'm not feeling this way.
       Why did we break up? Because I was an asshole. Every since I discovered that she has a low sex drive I've been secretly sabotaging the relationship. I started sabotaging the relationship about a month ago when we were having a date at the Santa Monica Pier.
       She asked me if her low sex drive was going to be a problem. I'm not usually the type of guy to beat around the bush. I'm usually very crude when I have the opportunity to be crude. I take pleasure in making people angry and uncomfortable. Maybe its because I'm a stand-up comic with a raunchy set that requires a certain type of audience.
       I thought Cassey was that audience. And for a short two month trial period, she was. And then
all of my affections for her evaporated.
       After she told me that she had a low sex drive I stopped loving her. Instead as a substitute for love I bought her lavish gifts. I spent a lot of money on her but I didn't take her on as many dates. I bought her nice little gifts at different stores but I didn't try to romance her anymore. I just tried to keep her satisfied.
       Each little gift I bought her was a way of proving that I still had some affection for her. And with each passing day the urge to cheat on her grew stronger and stronger. And I began flirting with other girls.
      I grabbed other girl's tits at parties and spanked a few girl's asses at work. Here and there. It was a clear violation of what should and should not be done while you are in a relationship. And it was like I was tempting myself with the possibility of cheating without every actually consummating the act. Because I knew that in the end I could never settle down with someone who wouldn't have sex with me on a regular basis.
       Unfortunately the only solution that I saw here was to get an apartment together. Maybe then our sex life would improve. But we broke up a week ago. Before I could get my finances in order. And sadly I will never know if our sex life would have improved. I know it would not have helped. Because there were plenty of times when we had my Mother's apartment to ourselves and she didn't want to have sex with me. And I know that the woman I'm going to end up with some day does lust for me as constantly as I lust for her.

City of the Dead

The world froze over and
the American patriotic moral slowed.
A long long time ago.

But before the war even started,
I received a solemn vow from Uncle Sam.
A promise, in the sovereignty of man.

And yet I was drafted into the war.
Because I was poor.

And I couldn't afford to go to college and
I was forced to fight in far away jungles killing
women and children for a cause that I was unsure of.
And I often wondered if the Lord up above.

Would forgive my in-humanities,
because what we did was nothing
but insanity after insanities.

Saddam scorched the Earth with his demonic acts of
terror when he played his tyrannical totalitarian hand
by using his chemical weapons in 2003.
And yet we were using Napalm back in 1970.

It was a nightmare for all,
and Saigon soon saw its downfall.

Disgraced. Displaced. Amazed.
Defaced. Distaste.
War crazed with our war face.

We left with our heads held low.
It was the first time in our timeline
that the battlefields had ever told us no.

All throughout my tour, I painted the once majestic jungle as a city of the dead.
Decaying carcasses of unburied  men, sprinkle the rivers in pools of red.

Broken bodies decorated the open landscape.
As the countryside lay riddled with rape.

Horny cocks of the American boys.
Treat the natives like toys.

My friend Tommy, a boy I'd know since boot camp tried to justify the
whole sinful endeavor by explaining how metaphorically they should
be getting on their knees for us because they should be so god damn
grateful that we were saving their country from communism.
But in the end, Agent Orange is not what repaired the system.

This was the fate that the 60's had riddled.
A generation of bones brittled and nations belittled.

Give Your Enemies a Reason to Love You

       I often hear people say that life doesn’t seem to have meaning for them. But I say that when you are walking the path of Christianity your life always has meaning. You are God’s hands on Earth. Whether your hands are being used to show people on to our faith or to lend a helping hand to a person in need, it is all God’s will.
       God may work in mysterious ways but his message always stays true and clear. You must love your neighbor. I think this is God’s Greatest commandment to man. To show love to your friends and to show love to your enemies.
       God’s love may be unconditional but man’s love is not. Love among your fellow human beings must be earned. You must give your friends and enemies reasons to love you. It may be kindness, sympathy or even understanding but they are all part of God’s teachings.
       You cannot force love upon someone, it is a flower that begins like all things, as a small seed, rooted deep within. And when that seed is grown it is something beautiful for all to behold, just like love. 

Saturday, December 26, 2015

An Ode to the Carnegie's, the Rockefeller's & the Vanderbilt's

Ideology?
Survival of the fittest.
Yes. Capitalism.

A Saga of Red, White & Blue: Uncle Sam, I Love You

Oh how blessed I am. 
America is perfect.
My home, my one love.

The Winds & Whistles of Love: A Wonderful Tonight

Sitting down for tea. 
Haha, first dates, always nice. 
Now, where shall this go?

The Winds & Whistles of Love: This is Not Goodbye

You must look at me. 
Not the man I used to be. 
All I want is thee. 

The Winds & Whistles of Love: There is a Light That Never Goes

Lasting impressions. 
Consider my transgressions. 
Please lets wash it away. 

Soft Lullabies

It’s not a innocent interact.
I'm a fool for love.
And you’re my graceful dove.
Why little dove, are you leaving me in the dust?
You’re my love, I must.
I must have you.
And hold you.
Cause what nobody told you.
Is that I'm Robert Gold, blue.
I'm the man notorious.
For believing love is glorious.
I know you might just be here.
To grind and bust my gears.
Your just so amatory.
You set my heart to glory.
And this could be our story.
In the must ask you please.
As footsteps make way dwelling in draping dresses.
Regretfully before that fateful day.
Let me bestow on you a story of an adolescent boy without a strain of confidence.
But one day he learned to use his toys, and his live's been different since.
Deemed a virgin, that much is seemed certain.
But on first day of his sophomore year,
the boy swallowed a strand of his childish fears.
He proclaimed, he would find a girl to take to the Winter Forum.
She didn't have too be adorable just average and every day normal.
Though it was already late November,
He still had to find a date by December. just had to be normal
And he set out to find himself a date.
In Biology class, he had found his hope at last.
A shy shell of a woman stepped into his life.
A lie to claim that she one day became his wife.
But for a time they called on.
But that young lad grew up to.
She had me from the start.
The golden key to my heart.
My eyes became witness to pure allure as she undressed,
Time flies when your feeling blessed.
Yet I would live this moment for an eternity.
As she whispered in my ear, "You can learn from me."
in a moment that felt as if it would last an eternity.
And with her naked self she came upon my ear, and whispered soft lullabies of kindred caressment. As she undressed it felt like an eternity.
I must confess.
That every pic of a dress.
It makes me a mess.
Even though God did bless.
Upon you such beauty.
And for an everlasting eternity I plea.
For a young mortal heart key.
To a love as gracious as she.
The angels built you out of clay.
And for that I'm grateful, every single day.

Public Policy of the Regime

Foster Home/Orphanage Reform

The reforms objective is to give orphans an education that will give them career options for their futures. These reforms coincide with my public education reform.

Public Education Reform

After Middle School your general studies that are meant to make you well rounded are done. In high school apprenticeship programs in which students can get hands on training in any field. For Fresh- men years students have to take multiple apprenticeships. One apprenticeship for each day of each week, giving students five classes. For Sophmore year students only have to take 3 apprenticeships. And 2 of the apprenticeships they can do 2 days of the week. Though they continue to take 5 appren-
ships if they want. Students and their mentors do have opportunities to find room for promotion. Students who recieve promotions can do 1 Apprenticeship full time, five days a week, in their Junior Year. In Senior Year all students can take full time apprenticeships no matter whether they ever get promotions or not. Though in Junior Year if you have not recieved a promotion you still have to 3 classes, just like in Sophmore Year. The reasoning for letting Juniors with promotions have 1 Apprenticeship is to differenate the successful, faster, smarter students who have not show, promise.

Public Transportation Reform

The buses, trains and subways used in public transportation will cooperate with the school districts to make these apprenticeships work. Students who ride the public buses will be supporting free market enterprises like Metro and Dash, putting money back into the private sector. Economically beneficial to all the businesses who partake in this program with the schools.      

Strategies for the American Commonwealth

1. Creating an American CommonWealth

2. Creating a Balanced Budget

3. Social Secuirty Reform

4. Privatization of the Military

5. Public Education Reform

6. Foster Home/Orphanage Reform

7. Dissolve the United Nations

8. Dissolve NATO

9. Stop funding other countries and
their government with money/resources

10. Global Alliance is a international
organization in which every country
sends 10% of their military forces
to do humanitarian work, architectual
building in impoverished societies and
global police work.

The 14 Steps to Conquest

Phase 1
Train and develope sets.

Phase 2
 Discard bitches and acquire curency.

Phase 3
Launch lucrative private sector businesses.

Phase 4
Infiltrate DC nd create political inlfuence.

Phase 5
Acquire senate seats.

Phase 6
Run and win the presidency.

Phase 7
End term limits with aid from the Federal Reserve.

Phase 8
 Assassinate all members of the Federal Reserve and their families.

Phase 9
Begin preparations for the dissolve of the UN and the foundation of the Global Alliance aka GA.

Phase 9.5
Elect a puppet leader to lead the GA.

Phase 10
Force nations to comply with GA standards and regulations or face invasion.

Phase 11
Abolish all countries and assassinate head of the GA.

Phase 12
Set up new world government as we assume positions of the head of the GA.

Phase 13
Acquire new bodies to brain. Accomplish the goal of immortality.

Dear Johanna Robinson

Dear Joanna Robinson, 
I read your article on VanityFair.com and I am in complete agreement with you over the Sansa Stark rape scene. After the multiple martial unions that Sansa has been involved in including a Queenship beside King Joeffrey Baratheon, a secret martial proposal from Ser Lorris Tyrell and a formal wedding proceeding with Tyrion Lannister you would think that Sansa would be aware of what she would be required to do as a married woman when she wed Ramsay Bolton heir to the Dreadfort. The fact that she is so hesitant and nerve racked during her bedding ceremony with Ramsay seems to undercut five seasons of character development. This would have been a great scene to utilize Sansa's growth as a character over the past 5 years or however long it's been in the chronology of the Game of Thrones universe. I'm not saying that Sansa had to enjoy having sex with Ramsay but if she was a willing participant or maybe if she had, had a scene like the one Daenerys Targaryen had with Khal Drogo when she takes control in the bedroom in Season 1 Episode 2. That would have been a more interesting piece of character growth for Sansa. And the character growth of the male protagonist formerly known as Theon Greyjoy could have come in a different scene that didn't require David Benioff and Dan Weiss to compromise the character growth of one of the show's most beloved female protagonists. 
Sincerely,
Robert Gold   

Quotes from SPARTACUS (TV Series)

1. We do not choose love, it takes every man by storm.
2. You cannot hide your emotions, I see the blush upon your cheek when he is near.
3. Have you lost mind?
4. You bare false tongue!
5.  See them to food and wine.
6. So that he my snatch victory from deserving hands.
7. There is practical reason as well, to accept terms.
8. A fate I would not seek.
9. I would have one of more seasoned years, I speak of myself.

My Mom is Gay

After parents got divorced when I was 4, my Mom ended up in a relationship with a woman for 7 years. I didn't go to the most progressive School, so I kept it like a secret, a dirty detail of my life that I could never divulge, for fear of being ostracized.

Its funny I'm not gay and I felt like I was the one in the closet. Few of my close friends knew my secret. That my mother was with a woman. Some people told me she'd gone Lesbian. Others told me she'd finally discovered she was a bi-sexual butterfly that just needed to stretch her experimental wings. 

I thought most people stretch those wings in College but my mother never went to college, so 40 it was, dating her first woman. I was 10, I didn't know whether my mother was gay or straight or bisexual. she was my mother, I didn't really care one way or the other. 

Though wouldn't it be crazy if the story took a crazy twist, like I turned out to be some nut job fundamentalist christian and I was the one wagging the finger at my own mother. It would be like some crazy role reversal. Maybe I got an Oscar worthy movie on my hands, who knows. I'll have the same guys who did broke back mountain direct it.   

Remember when I said earlier I was good at fitting into social groups, well part of High School, is reinvented yourself into somebody that others like. Its funny, I'm not even gay and it felt like I was the one in the closet. You know how they always do all those videos for kids my age, telling us to stand up when we see someone being bullied, its not really as easy as they make it seem.

Going to school, hearing the kinds of things people said, there weren't even always big things, you know? Sometimes it was just hearing people say the word gay as a synonym for doing something repulsive or grotesque,

I remember in my Sophomore Year when I saw my first openly gay couple at my high School, my friends would say the most vile things about them when we all went out for lunch. We'd see them walking by, and it felt like the whole school was watching them. They'd whisper like cowards, making sly clever little comments About how they dressed, how they talked and all the disgusting things they must do when their alone. Once again, I just kept on eating my roast beef   
 sandwich, just doing what I needed to do to survive in this social jungle.

The Emerald City

Once upon a time.
I wrote a sick ass rhyme.
Then there was that time I dressed up like a mime.
And remember when I squeezed a lime.
And it went all over your eye.
But then there was that time when you squeezed that horn.
When I was simply trying to watch some Asian porn.

Tangerine Talent

Dear Robert Gold, 
Thank you for submitting to Tangerine Talent for representation. Sorry 
for the delayed response. We were not signing clients at the time you 
submitted.
To further review your submission, could you please email over any 
pictures, videos, or clips that you have that we could use to pitch you 
as a client. Please either attach them to the email or send links to 
where they can be viewed.
Please also include any skills, talents, or languages that you can do, 
that we would be able to send you out for.
-- 
Thanks,
Michael Zdarsky
Tangerine Talent

How I Met Your Un-Father Father

Comedy Skit
Father: Hey there, son.
Son: Hey Daddy.
Father: There’s something (sighs). There’s something important I’ve been meaning to talk to you about.
Son: I already know Daddy.
Father: You already know?
Son: Yah, it’s obvious.
Father: What do you think you know?
Son: I know you and Mama weren’t wrestling last night.
Father: (laughing hysterically) What did you just say boy?
Son: I said I know about the birds and the bee’s Daddy.
Father: Me and your Mama were just trying out some new moves we saw on MMA.
Son: Johny, from across the street. Showed me this video on the interwebs, where a man was doing MMA moves on a horse.
Father: A horse?
Son: The horse didn’t seem to like it Daddy.
Father: I’m sure it didn’t. No man should ever put his horse through that kinda trauma.
Son: I know, Daddy.
Father: Imagine, if I pulled that kinda stunt on Old Lacey out there, (points outside). Poor girl would never be the same.
Son: I thought Mama was too old for MMA, until yesterday.   
Father: Boy if you here weird noises coming from my bedroom, you better not be coming anywhere near, do you hear me?
Son: Yes, Daddy.
Father:  I said! Do you hear me!?!
Son: Yes, Daddy!!
Father: Good, now you have to understand son. What you saw last night son. Me and your Mama never did none of that funny business to bring you into this world.  
Son: What? You’re making no sense Daddy.
Father: I’m saying. Nobody ever put the hot dog in the buns, son. 
Son: But I love wieners, Daddy.
Father: Oh don’t you talk like that, son.
Son: What, what did I do wrong?
Father: Your Uncle Roy once confided in a man that he liked wieners.
Son: Uncle Roy is dead, Daddy.
Father: They hung that fool, son. No good Southern boy goes around talking about how he likes wieners. That’s bible blasphemy right there.
Son: But, there tasty Daddy.
Father: I know. I used to like to like wieners to, son. (puts head in hands, starts to cry)
Son: Why you crying, Daddy? You always told me big boys don’t cry. 
Father: It’s what I’ve been trying to tell you son.
Son: You’ve just been comparing different foods to penis’s Daddy.  
Father: To have a child, son. The banana has to get freaky with the grapefruit.
Son: Daddy, please. Stop speakin meta-torik-ly.
Father: Okay, son. I’m just gonna say it. I’ve been beating around the bush for too long.
Son: Sometimes, when nobody else it home. I beat the push.
Father: That’s why Mama hates doing your laundry.
Son: Yah, I know.
Father: It’s like Yogurt Land or something up in there, son. Some would call that an addiction.
Son: Daddy, I’m hormonal. I can’t help myself.
Father: Son, I would say you got that right hand stamina from me but… 
Son: But…but what?
Father: But you didn’t. You didn’t get none of your genes from me.
Son: I know. Nana does all the shopping in the house.   
Father: Not those kinda genes son.
Son: Nana goes to Goodwill, most days. Nana says it’s cause were poor white trash and we hicks got nothing but our beer and our bibles. 
Father: No, son I’m talking about a different kinda genes. Don’t you underatand?
Son: Urban outfitters?
Father: No, son!
Son: Forever 21?
Father: No, son. You’re missing the point. 
Son: Banana Republic?
Father: Shut up!
Son: Sorry, Daddy. Didn’t mean to get you upset.
Father: Genetics son! Genes! The blood in your veins!
Son: I don’t get it Daddy.
Father: Your hair! Your eyes! Your feet! We got none of it in common!
Son: (starts to cry)
Father: (crying) Oh son. (embraces son in arms)
Son: Do you still love me, Daddy?
Father: I’ll always love you son, I’ll always love you.

The Comedy Roasts of Zack Lewis, Mexico and Emmanuel Necochea

Roast of Zack Lewis

Okay Zack I said I was done with the racism, so I apologize. I bet you’ve had to apologize to a lot of people over the years. Your teachers at school, your parents for talking back to them every once in a while, and all the girls you gave STD’s too. Zack all I’ve talked about so far is ethnicity and the fact that you’re a man slut. So lets make fun of another thing thats close to your heart. Your shitty skills on the basketball court. I mean the only thing you have going for you is the fact that its hard to dribble around a brick wall. I mean, has anyone noticed that every time Zack packs someone he let’s out an orgasm scream and says “Yah! Get out of here son!” Zack that’s offecnsice, nobody wants to be related to you, let alone tell people that you’re their father. I mean if Zack was your dad wouldn’t you just tell your friends that you were adopted. People would tell you, well the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. And you’d say, “So your trying to say I’m going to be a lazy fat loser when I grow up.” Well at least maybe you get a tax right off for being retarded. Not to say that Zack is a retard, that would be offensive to retards. I mean if you look at Zack’s report card they are going to look a lot like his women. They both like to F and your going to see some double D’s. But Zack I don’t think your stupid I just think it’s funny that you thought Bangkok was a video in your gay porn collection. Zack the second Hangover movie was set in Bangkok, Thailand and I’m just going to assume that movie embodies your entire life. The constant crazy adventures, not remembering what you did the day before, getting into unnecessary fights and maybe a few gay Asian men will end up in your apartment. Zack I hope you enjoyed this roast. You first asked me to do this for your 15th Birthday with a few of our close friends. I never knew how much I enjoyed writing comedy until you asked me to roast you. And now I love insult comedy. Being able to laugh at yourself is healthy. But it hasn’t seemed to help you.  

Roast of Mexico

What happens when you castraphate a Mexican.
You get Huevos Rancheros.
So a family of 4 Mexicans go on a trip to south Africa and there spending time on a beach. And two lions see them from a distance. The first lion says to the second lion, “are you ready to hunt?”
The second lion says, “I’ve never tried churros before.”

Roast of Emmanuel Necochea

Emmanuel I remember in home room you would always blast your music on your ipod. And then when people told you to turn it down you would get really mad. As if we were invading your personal space or something. Many nobody wants to invade your personal space. That’s why your still a virgin.
And just like Beethoven, Emmanuel also can’t appreciate his own work. And when I say that I don’t mean that Emmanuel makes beautiful music, because I’ve heard his raps, and though it reminds me a lot of Vincent Van Go, because I want to cut my own ears off, emmanuel’s raps are so amazing because they put they somehow put two mother fucking white prentious douchebags in the rap game.
You know the one who named himself after a piece of candy.
Jeeze I cant remember his name. people would always say that you looked him. Maybe its cause you both look like raging homosexuals but I just cant put my finger on it.
At least not the way I put my finger in your mom’s vagina.
Anyway, he’s the guy who has the name that matches the candy with the weird sexualized commercials.
And no im not talking about emmanuel’s days in the porn industry.
That road ended after Prop B passed.
Emmanuel can’t get a boner in a condom. Soooo. Poor bastard was out of a job.
And maybe some of you are wondering how I know that Emmanuel cant get a hard on with a piece of plastic over his ding dong.
But I’ll never tell (do girlish little giggle)
And now some of you may be thinking that wow Robert that was really gay, and I have nothing to rebuttal that because just like tom cruise, I am a closeted homosexual.
There I say it, now im a living room homosexual.
But I’d much rather be a bedroom homosexual.
But enough with all the gay jokes Robert, lets get back to the roast of Fatty McDickens. I mean Emmanuel. Sorry I had been saving that fatty mcdickens joke for Rey’s roast. but couldn’t do another rey roast because I hate rey and I hate rey’s people and when I say rey’s people, I mean small little annoying tubby virgins. Sorry tubby’s not a good word, because by the smell of him I don’t think rey ever uses the tub-ee. But I know we would all appreciate it if he did do a little more scrubby, in the tubbby. But sadly rey, as well as Emmanuel, are dirty smelly green cards who both coincidentally had their Kinsenyetas recently.
(transition joke needed here)
  Not to say that emmauel’s eye candy, he’s more like eye vegetables. (say it in a really cheesy voice)
Sorry that was a stupid joke…..(look sad then look back to the camera.) kinda like your life.
Haha. Emmanuel’s so ugly when he was born the doctor slapped his mother……
Then the doctor slapped Emmanuel a couple of times and that explains why Emmanuel’s face is so fucked up.  
And many im not gonna say you’re a Christ killer just because your jewish. though if the savior got a look at your face you mind live up to that name.Many if you ever become a movie star at least you wont be the only jew in a Disney movie. I mean pinnichio
Roast of Mykie Love
-Mykie the only thing that you and fashion have in common is that fashion
Whats the difference between mykie and fashion?
Fashion is hard to get.
-What do you call a gay cow from a third world country?
Mykie
-If you ever get dehydrated while your hanging out with mykie, just milk his utters, that’s what I always do.
-so I think I commit a pretty big sin a couple weeks. I. I um. I stole from a store. And im always worried about god’s almighty retribution for sinners. Then I just think of mykie. And I think, ha at least im not as fucked as that guy.

Friday, December 25, 2015

My Facebook Posts

1. Do you think that women who are married to cops enjoy singing the song, Fuck the Police?

2. Oh my God I was watching this TV clip of a child embarrassing their parents by throwing a temper tantrum in the middle of a Grocery Store. And at the end it turns out its a commercial for condoms.

3. I had to look up lyrics to an Eminem song to learn how to spell the word, "psyche." *Commits Seppuku*

4. William Shatner. Good actor or Great actor?


Beatbike Webseries

int. elevator - deb & derek - day
Derek and Deb have over-sensationalized Valley accents that make them sound very ignorant. Every word they speak is flamboyant and their facial expressions are very colorful when they speak. Take example from Legally BlondeThe Californians sketch from Saturday Night Live.
They enter from the G1 {Garage floor} of the building. Derek presses LEVEL 2 BUTTON. They're in work-out clothes, holding gym bags. Derek points to a BEATBIKE PROMOTIONAL POSTER on the wall of the CEO riding a stationary bicycle.  
DEREK
Damn, whose that?
deb
Jesus! Derek, that's the CEO for God's sake.
derek
Deb, come on. Think about it. She's an actor. Like that Progressive girl Flo, Jeremy Ackman from Subway or even that Somalian pirate guy, Captain Crunch.
deb
Are you telling me that a corporation would lie? That's ridiculous.
The elevator stops at G2 (Garage Floor 2) and the cycling instructor TRUDY gets on the elevator. She is also in work-out clothes.
derek
So you really think an Australian gecko works for a car insurance company?
TRUDY gives Derek an annoyed looked. Little do they know that TRUDY is Australian. 
deb
Wait, he doesn't? Then how does he pay to keep his skin so moist?
derek
He's a CGI cartoon.
deb
Oh, like Yoda.
int. lobby - derek, deb & trudy - DAY
The three of them exit the elevator. Erica Gonzalez and Rob Gonzalez get into the elevator. They are in work-out clothes. 
derek
Yah, like Yoda.
deb
Dude, imagine if Yoda was Australian.
(Yoda Impression)
Outback steakhouse, we will go.
derek
(Yoda Impression)
Ride the kangaroo, we will.
INT. DOOR FRONT - DEREK, DEB & TRUDY - DAY
As they get in front of the Beatbike studio Trudy turns around, pointing a finger in their face. The BEATBIKE SIGN is clearly visible in the background.
trudy
Hey that's racist! And really offensive.


deb
Did Obama lift the embargo on your country or something?
derek
I'm sorry. Sorry, so sorry. Yah, we didn't know you guys could swim this far.
DEB
What was it like living through the Australian Missile Crisis?
derek
Oh, is your family all the way in Miami? Is that why your so angry all the time and you feel the need to take your aggression out on random pedestrians?
trudy
You two are a piece of work! You know that!?! Making fun of immigrants just cause we talk a little bit differently then you. How would you like it if I went, oh you big fat fattie fatso Americans? Can't get enough of those fattie mic fat fries! No wonder there's a McDonald's on every screen corner!
INT. FRONT DESK - DEREK, DEB & TRUDY - DAY
TRUDY storms into the building. A front desk worker, MARISSA , comes out from the backroom.
MARISSA
Hey Trudy! How have you been?
TRUDY aggressively continues walking down past the front desk to the amphitheater in a huff.
trudy
Shut up, Marissa.
Marissa starts to well up with tears. Her head croaks back and forth awkwardly as her face begins to tense up before she puts her face in her hands and begins to sob uncontrollably. She runs off to the bathroom. Ashton comes out from the backroom. 
ashton
Hey, does anyone know where Marissa went?
The camera pans over to the shift manager SUZY, who has a giant vacuum strapped to her back.
suzy
She's in the bathroom crying.
Ashton
Uh, I told her to stop doing that. It makes the floors all wet.
SUZY
(groaning)
I'll go grab a mop.
Deb and Derek both enter the studio and walk towards the iPads. Deb types in her name and her four digit password. Neither of them notice ASHTON, whose standing at the front desk typing on the computer.
DEB
Oh, I wonder if these iPads have any games. 
Deb brings up the iPad game, JETPACK JOYRIDE. The character resembles SUZY while she's wearing the vaccum on her back. A lightbulb appears over Deb's head. She whispers to Derek while pointing at SUZY.
DEb
(Whispering and discreetly pointing at SUZY)
Dude, is that the chick from Jetpack Joyride?
derek
(hissing)
Deb, stop pointing at her. You know celebrities hate it when you do that.
DEB
Would it be rude if I went and asked for her autograph?
derek
Seriously, Deb? It's an iPad app for God's sake. Of course you should ask for her autograph.
deb
Okay, okay. I'll wait until after class and then I'm gunna muster up the courage.
Deb and Derek walk towards the lockers. They walk past the front desk.
ashton
Hey, how are you two doing today?
Derek looks at ASHTON confused and shocked. Deb pumps her fists into the air.
DEB
I was right! Yes, yes, yes! I was right! Suck it Derek! You are so doing the dishes tonight. And I had chicken taquitos for breakfast so sucks for you buddy.
derek
Ashton, I just wanna start off by saying I've never seen this woman in my life.
(mouthing words)
She's crazy. You should probably call the police.
ASHTON, with a scared look on her face, begins to reach for the phone and dialing.
End of Webisode 1 of BEATBIKE.







My Best Friend

       My friend Emmanuel and I have known each other for a few years now and one thing I realized about doing comedy is its important to keep creative people around you.
       He's gunna call me a homo for putting him on blast like this, but a lot of things haven't worked out in his favor recently but on the plus Imma be able to see my homeboy, and that's the most important thing in the world to me.
       And with very few people in my life who I can true homies, Manny is among them. He gets me on a level that other Lancers don't. Cause when you go to a school with all armos, its not hard to be the cream of the crop.
       I really wish that in my Junior year I could have taken Emmanuel over to Champs with me, but I didn't have that kinda power. If I did have that kinda power, and I know that someday I will, I give all one of homies exactly what they deserve.
       Haha, that sounded threatening buts actually an olive branch. Evil people can do great things if they have the right people in their life to guide them. You know Manny I struggle with the fact that I think I'm a bad person, but thank you for being my moral compass bro.
       I excepted to lose you from my life a month ago and I really glad I didn't. So thats one fan in your pocket, just remember there are hundreds more, you chose need to open your eyes a bit wider. And you'll see em.

May 2, 2011

May 2, 2011 Monday
So yesterday Osama Bin Laden was killed. When I heard that bin laden had been killed it was from my little brother, Andrew, who said that he got a text from mom telling me that bin laden was dead. When I heard the good news I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was a mistake or a rumor. I felt the same way when I heard that Michael Jackson died, you just don’t believe it when you hear it at first. Hearing about bin laden’s death made me feel happy and patriotic. I feel proud of my country and proud of the troops fighting for are country and fighting for what America stands for, freedom. On another note, today at school this black girl  named rose and one of her friends started shooting me in the face with water guns and rose through some orange juice at me, which got my hair and my white shirt. she did all this cause I called her a crazy nigger after she got in this one girl’s face named Vanessa, saying how she was gonna kick vanessa’s ass.

June 6, 2011 Monday
Recently Arnold Schwarzenegger publicly came out about the fact that he had been fathering another child, separate from the children that he had with his wife Maria Shriver. Though now that he’s come out about all this, maria shriver has divorced him and his son Patrick has changed his name from Patrick Schwarzenegger to Patrick shriver. I kinda feel bad for Arnold and I think his career is in jeopardy. I think that this is a lot like the mel Gibson scenario. Where the press gets all over a celebrity about some scandal and it ends up ruining the celebrities career, or at least severely wounding it. Here are some “famous people,” just people with all different careers who have been part of some big scandal; bill Clinton, Charlie sheen, mel Gibson, Arnold schwarzenegger, Michael Jackson, art kelly, Lindsay lohan and cobby brian. Let’s see, what did all these people do? Bill Clinton-cheated on wife. Charlie sheen-drug abuse and hired two porn stars as prostitutes, mel Gibson-arrested for drunk driving and while making anti-semetic comments. Arnold Schwarzenegger-fathered a child with another woman for over 10 years. Michael Jackson-charged with molestation. Art Kelly-made a video of himself peeing on a 14 year old girl. Lindsay lohan-arrested for drunk driving multiple times. And then there’s cobby brian-cheated on his wife. Out of all these people the only one besides Schwarzenegger that I’m really a fan of is Michael Jackson. But besides these guys I also feel bad for mel Gibson. I thought he was a pretty good in the movie lethal weapon. I haven’t seen him in anything else so that’s all I have to go on. But in retrospect, I’m not really into celebrity scandals and who’s dating who, I guess I find it interesting, but I don’t go searching for info.    

June 7, 2011 Tuesday
I want to make sure that I don’t’ forget my important memories.

May 2, 2011 Monday
So yesterday Osama Bin Laden was killed. When I heard that bin laden had been killed it was from my little brother, Andrew, who said that he got a text from mom telling me that bin laden was dead. When I heard the good news I couldn’t believe it, I thought it was a mistake or a rumor. I felt the same way when I heard that Michael Jackson died, you just don’t believe it when you hear it at first. Hearing about bin laden’s death made me feel happy and patriotic. I feel proud of my country and proud of the troops fighting for are country and fighting for what America stands for, freedom. On another note, today at school this black girl  named rose and one of her friends started shooting me in the face with water guns and rose through some orange juice at me, which got my hair and my white shirt. she did all this cause I called her a crazy nigger after she got in this one girl’s face named Vanessa, saying how she was gonna kick Vanessa’s ass.

June 6, 2011 Monday
Recently Arnold Schwarzenegger publicly came out about the fact that he had been fathering another child, separate from the children that he had with his wife Maria Shriver. Though now that he’s come out about all this, maria shriver has divorced him and his son Patrick has changed his name from Patrick Schwarzenegger to Patrick shriver. I kinda feel bad for Arnold and I think his career is in jeopardy. I think that this is a lot like the mel Gibson scenario. Where the press gets all over a celebrity about some scandal and it ends up ruining the celebrities career, or at least severely wounding it. Here are some “famous people,” just people with all different careers who have been part of some big scandal; bill Clinton, Charlie sheen, mel Gibson, Arnold schwarzenegger, Michael Jackson, art kelly, Lindsay lohan and cobby brian. Let’s see, what did all these people do? Bill Clinton-cheated on wife. Charlie sheen-drug abuse and hired two porn stars as prostitutes, mel Gibson-arrested for drunk driving and while making anti-semetic comments. Arnold Schwarzenegger-fathered a child with another woman for over 10 years. Michael Jackson-charged with molestation. Art Kelly-made a video of himself peeing on a 14 year old girl. Lindsay lohan-arrested for drunk driving multiple times. And then there’s cobby brian-cheated on his wife. Out of all these people the only one besides Schwarzenegger that I’m really a fan of is Michael Jackson. But besides these guys I also feel bad for mel Gibson. I thought he was a pretty good in the movie lethal weapon. I haven’t seen him in anything else so that’s all I have to go on. But in retrospect, I’m not really into celebrity scandals and who’s dating who, I guess I find it interesting, but I don’t go searching for info.    

June 7, 2011 Tuesday
I want to make sure that I don’t’ forget my important memories.         

My Bath Salts Experience

           “Hey show me your teeth?” I asked the cop, “Can you please show me your fucking teeth?” The police officer shook his head no.
           “Why do you want to see my teeth?” the cop asks. My cursing doesn’t seem to bother him. I can’t seem to get a rise out of this prick. Come on do something. Throw me to the ground again. Do something asshole, I’m begging you.
            I’m sitting in the hospital bed with cops swarming around like bees, buzzing in my mother fucking ears. I remember that one cop from the ambulance. I just wanted to see his jagged teeth. Just give me one ugly clown faced putrid smile. Then I’ll know this isn’t all just some Alice in Wonderland. I need some continuity to know that this reality is the real reality.    

The Comedy Roast of Zack Lewis


ROBERT
(Impov)
Okay. I’m here to roast Zack Lewis. Old friend from High School. I started doing these roasts way back when.

ROBERT
And today is a momentous occasion because for the first time ever, the Comedy Central Roasts of Robert Gold will be filmed in a front of a live studio audience.

EVERYONE
Cheering and Applause!

ROBERT
Zack you have always enjoyed my roasts. And I’ve always enjoyed making black jokes. I mean cause when I do my routine at the KKK meetings there’s none of you people there. So it’s like what’s the deal-o negr-o.

ROBERT
But yes, Zack I will admit I love being able express my rights to free speech. Basically what I’m trying to say is I love America. A country built by the blacks and owned by the Chinese.

ROBERT
Nowadays, Black Jokes are God’s last gift to white people. I mean now its black people getting all the good bags. Let’s see over the past 150 years God’s given yah Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther Ding Dong. I Rock Yo Mama.

ROBERT
And to think all this equality bull shit came about because one lazy black person didn’t want to get up from their seat on the bus. Uh, there’s white people trying to get to work Rosa, can you please move yah smelly monkey butt to the back.

ROBERT
Okay well, now that I got all that out of my system. It’s time for the main event. A few Black Jokes that you may or not have heard before.

ROBERT
I’m going to number them so in the comment section you can tell me which out of these 6 jokes was your favorite. Hey what can I say, I’m a man who likes feedback. And Emmanuel’s a guy who likes to get on his back.

ROBERT
Okay so, joke Numbero Uno. For all you wet back beeners out there.

ROBERT
So believe it or not Zack. I am like you. I’m technically an African American. Isn’t that crazy! I mean I have black people in my family tree. There still hanging there.



ROBERT
Joke Number Two. Okay this joke is basically just a rule for life. If you get a Canoo, paint it black, that way it will never tip. Seriously ever been out eating with a Nigga, it get’s expensive when you’re paying for his third bowl of Kentucky Fried Chicken.

ROBERT
Okay Joke number three. Why do black men cry during sex? Mace.

ROBERT
For all of you out there who didn’t get there that was a rape joke. It’s just that sometimes when chocolate tries to make a swirly with vanilla, chocolate get’s pepper sprayed in his mother fucking chocolaty rape face.

ROBERT
But rape is a subject that my friend Zack here is very familiar with. Or has he likes to call it, Thursdays.

ROBERT
Okay joke number four. And through all these terrible jokes I want to remind everyone that I can hand out compliments as well as Neo-Nazi propaganda.  

ROBERT
Zack is a beautiful man. With sexy muscles and a raging six pack. Zack also has an amazingly long shlong. I saw it that one time in the boy’s locker room, when you were going all Mike Tyson on Emmanuel’s rectum.

ROBERT
Zack’s penis is fat and black it looks like it coulda starred in precious. Zack’s penis is so black and bloated it looks like Charlie Sheen’s first heart attack. Zack’s penis is so long and black it looks like a welfare line.

ROBERT
And now for Joke Number Five. What do black men do after sex? 15 years to life.

ROBERT
Okay my second to last joke. Joke Number Six. 

ROBERT
An African-American and a Mexican American both jump out of a tree. Who’s hits the ground first?

PUT HAND ON THE SIDE OF THE MOUTH

ROBERT
Oooh lil bit of Math and Science on this one. Cause if there’s one thing we know that blacks excel in its school.



ROBERT
Okay so the golden question was. Who hit the ground first, Blackie or Brown Boy? You were right, it was mister Border Jumper.

ROBERT
But once again, Mr.El Pollo Loco was cheating.

ROBERT
Cause Sergeant Roscoe’s Chicken and Waffles aka Mr. Hypothetical Black Man never hit the ground. Sadly his neck was stopped by the rope.

ROBERT
Okay so now it’s time for my final joke. The last slice of this glorious video.

ROBERT
The slam dunk, which is consequentially what Zack said when he came in Emmanuel’s mouth.

ROBERT
Okay time for my final joke. Joke Number Seven. Whatta call a black woman who’s had seven abortions?  A Crime Fighter.

ROBERT
And that’s all my jokes Zack.

ROBERT
So thank you, thank you everyone. You’ve been a wonderfully racist audience.

ROBERT
And…..just like we practiced guys and ah one and a two and a three.

EVERYONE
Points their fingers at the Screen!

EVERYONE

Peace out Nigga!