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Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Words of Tantalization

When the days are long, and the headaches of hardship have stolen harmony from my grasp.
The tune of your your harp is all the placidity I need to find my composure.
To bring the quietude of restfulness into the tranquility of our union.
A humble bed humble sheets of a reposed nature.
The beckonings of sweet nothings in my ear.
Your whispers are prov-active.
And yet even when your tantalizing words bring a sensual chill down the nerves of my naked back.
The amorous exhilaration pulsating through the hairs of my skin is gratified gradually.
Your touch is subtle and slow in style.
But I've learned to love your gentle constitution.


Assassins Stole the World's Great Leaders

And then that got me think-in.
Prom Kennedy to Lincoln.
All the great men, they dead.
They got their head, all shot up with lead.
In a fury of red.
They dead. They heads. Got shut up with led.
In ah...fury of red.
From Martin to Malcolm.
From Gandhi to Jesus.
The leg-ah-see, you feel this?

The Insanity of Humanity

Do you sir, consider yourself an artist?
No sir, from that I am the farthest.

Do you sir, fancy yourself a member of humanity?
Yes sir, and do you suffer from insanity?

These humble words that I pontificate.
I do not ask that you appreciate.

And my watchful eyes gaze upon humanity.
And what God would raise such insanity.
Filled with lost profanity. 

In the Heart

In the heart of ever poet.
In the heart of every artist.
There's a story to be told.
And there's a tune to be played.

In the mind of every man.
In the practice of every preacher.
There's a legacy to be written.
And there's a sermon to be spoken.

In the heart of every lover.
In the heart of every crush.
There's lust to languish in,
And there's daydreams to be dreamed.

In the philosopher's of every prophet.
In teachings of every teacher.
There's followers to be had.
And there's points to be punctuated.

In the might of every God.
In the campaign of every conqueror.
There's a power to be stirred.
And there's a boy to be embattled.

In the light of every shadow.
In the hope of all the darkness.
And there's a beam stirring within.
In the shrine of every Charlatan.

The Man, The Myth, The Peter

Oh yes, he's a well dressed guest.
With a tie that simply states, I'm the best.
On bike 42.
No mortal ride faster than you.
A crossword crusader.
A facial hair hater.
A connoisseur of the theatre.
He is The Peter.  

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Cassey Dream

I had a dream the other night about Cassey. In the dream she wanted me back. At first I was all excited and jocular and I wanted her to want me so badly but then I stopped myself and realized why we had began fighting in the first place. I felt like I spent so much money on her and she didn't put out enough. I was trying to purchase sex the same way that most upstanding heterosexual men in our society do. By taking out our women to dinner and courting them with beautiful gifts. Its not prostitution, if she enjoys the sushi, am I right ladies? Silence falls over the ground. I guess my jokes go over better in male dominated crowds. My politically incorrect style of humor isn't appreciated amongst proud strong feminists who don't know how to take a joke. When I awoke from my dream I was pleasantly surprised to see that.....

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

A Political & Social History of the United States - Paving the Way for The First World War

     World War 1, also known as The Great War and The War to End All Wars was one of the most costly military engagements military engagements of the 20th century. In its early years, starting in 1914, was a war mainly between major powers divided into two faction, the Central Powers and the Allied Powers. The Central Powers consisted mainly of Germany, Austro-Hungary and The Ottoman Empire. The Allied Powers consisted mainly of Britain, France and Russia. Though other nations such as Italy, Japan and many smaller insignificant countries participated, their contribution was not vital to the whole of human history as it pertains to this conflict.
     Britain and Germany were inter-locked in a deadly naval conflict, fighting over control of the seas. America, who benefited economically in their pursuits to deal arms to both factions, had a number of merchant ships that often traveled through naval trade routes to Europe. As America's trade with Germany dwindled and their trade with Britain increased, Germany threatened all the Allied Powers with unrestricted submarine warfare, a proposition meant for the U.S., as an ultimatum if we perpetuated our arms dealings to Britain.
     This unrestricted submarine warfare meant not only targeting naval vessels owned by military but cargo ships as well, which consequentially happened to be packed with civilians on-board. Many American civilians traveling by sea were killed during the period of Germany's unrestricted submarine warfare. The most notable sunken vessel was the Lusitania, remembered over other acts of German aggression primarily because it stands at the highest causality rates when compared to the other deaths that occurred to do this unrestricted submarine warfare. We had lost a few Americans her and there but this cargo vessel happened to hold 128 Americans on-board.
     There is a famous caricature from that era that depicts a mother holding her infant child as they sink to the bottom of the ocean. Many history books sight the sinking of the Lusitania as one of the primary reasons if not “thee” primary reason for our entrance into the European front in what would one day be known as World War 1. There is another famous caricature which appeared in newspapers depicting the Kaiser handing Wilson a few pennies as compensation for the Americans lost on the Lusitania.
     The Zimmerman Note was another significant pressure put on the American government by its people. A public outcry, if you will excuse the term. This “outcry” occurred when William Randolph Hearst published a message, from Germany asking Mexico to invade the US, in his new outlet entitled “The Journal.” And it is referred to as The Zimmerman Note because German ambassador to Mexico who wrote the letter was named Zimmerman.
     Zimmerman denied writing the note. Some historians today theorize that the British may or not have forged the note to bring America into the war. Even though Zimmerman denied these allegations, he resigned from his post shortly after the incident occurred.
     The note specifically informed Mexico that Germany would return their former territories of Texas, California, Arizona & New Mexico if they invaded us. Germany's plan in all this would have been to keep us busy on our own continent while they dealt with their conflict on their own continent.
     William Randolph Hearst's publication of this letter, along with the political cartoons of the Lusitania, were examples of the over-sensationalism in journalism which was becoming very popular at the time. The same way that Yellow Journalism has roused America into the Spanish-American War, their was a similar considerable social pressure coming from news outlets during World War 1.
Russia exiting from the WW1 in 1917 was a major blow to the Allied war effort. This put even more pressure on America, who were “neutral” but at the same time did not wish to see a German victory in this conflict.
     Russia, who's royal family had ruled for many a millennia, went through a short but bloody uprising in which they {the rebels} executed the Czar and committed a genocide on his entire bloodline so that his dynasty would never rise again. These rebels, “The White Revolution”, continued the war but a communist leader sent to Russia by Germany to topple the weak new Russian government named Vladimir Lenin led “The Red Revolution”, and as an agreement he had with the German for their aid, he took Russia out of the war in 1917. Another major blow which brought America one step closer to joining the war in 1917. Another major blow which brought America one step closer to joining the war. One, because they hated communists. Two, because they hated the Kaiser.
     After the war was over they later said things like “we preserved democracy” and “fought fascism” but truly, Wilson wanted to dictate the aftermath of the war, and the only way to do that, was to get into the war.    

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

A Political & Social History of the United States - The Rise of American Imperialism in the 1890s

      In 1893 the United States of America fell into a wild frenzy known as “The Panic of 1893.” America businessmen feared that a stagnant economy had resulted from an overproduction of goods and an under-consumption on the part of the American people. It was time for American factory owners to take their goods elsewhere. America's new initiative to break into foreign markets gave rise to Imperialism as the economic benefits of “empire” becoming more and more appealing. So with the end of Manifest Destiny and America's conquest of its own continent, now it was time to spread their sphere of influence to the world stage.
      During one of the nation's first tests in the uncertain dangerous waters of Imperialism was The Venezuela Border Crisis. Gold mines had been discovered in a disputed border region between British Guiana and Venezuela. The Americans, who'd never had to put The Monroe Doctrine into effect before this time, cited its clauses claiming that Britain had no business meddling in the affairs of Latin America. British Naval Forces outnumbered American Naval Vessels 5 to 1 but Britain had no interest in starting a war with the United States. The British were in the middle of fighting The Boer War and they already had Russia and Germany to worry about so they left the disputed region alone. Americans celebrated this as a victorious upheaval of The Monroe Doctrine. This incident was one of many that gave America the reputation of “Protector of Latin America.”
      In 1898 the Spanish-American War proved to the world America's dominance as a world power. After America's Naval Forces devastated the Spaniards, a great European Empire considered to have one of the most powerful naval forces on the face of the Earth, The Teller Amendment was passed. The Teller Amendment stated that America had single handedly overthrown Spanish rule in Cuba and would hand the keys of power over to the Cuban people so that they may be self governed. But America, who now had its first taste of colonial power with the assimilation of Puerto Rico, Guam, Philippines and Cuba into its overseas territories, was not so quick to let go of their foothold of Cuba. The Cubans resented this, of course.
      But America wanted payment for the blood they had split on the beaches of San Juan, and so they forced the Cubans to accept The Platt Amendment. A series of clauses that would be written into the new Cuban constitution. Under the amendment America would get a naval base in Guantanamo Bay, a base that still stands today. The Cubans would not be allowed to sign any treaties with foreign powers without America's approval. If the Cubans wanted to seek territory to paid off debts, America had to be first nation that they offered it to. All of these clauses made the Cubans doubt whether they had actually attained their independence or simply traded once Anglo-Saxon ruler for another.
       With America'a new-found territories in the Pacific, Hawaii became a very tasty looking treat. White sugar planters in Hawaii resented the tariffs put on their products because technically they were a foreign nation. So to fix this dilemma these white sugar planters overthrew the Hawaii monarch, Queen LiliuokalaniSoon after they requested annexation into the United States of America. Hawaii, a strategic stronghold protectorate used to watch over America's overseas territories in the Philippines. It was important to maintain a strong military presence in Hawaii. The famous American officer, Commodore Dewey was stationed at Manila Bay; an America naval base that could only be properly provided for if Hawaii remained a strategic refueling station.
       The Russo-Japanese War, between Japan and Russia over a number of territories in Manchuria led to the devastation of the Russian navy. This left Japan as the major naval power in China, a major economic market that many world Japan as the major power in china, a major economic market that many world powers sought dominance over. Roosevelt helped bring an end to the war, leading the peace negotiations between the two nation.s For this he was later awarded The Novel Peace Prize, ironic since Roosevelt has been a championing voice for war war during the Spanish-American conflict, even going as far as to raise his won army of volunteers. Roosevelt, fearing the safety and security of the Philippines, send out the Great White Fleet on a world tour to show Japan that America's naval forced were bigger and better then ever.
      The Russo-Japanese War was only one of the many debacles amongst world powers over Manchuria, known as modern-day China. America feared that it was “late to the game.” Many other nations were already selling their goods on the Chinese market. They had even gone as far as to create sphere's of influence, designating which territories belonged to which world power. So America created The Open Door Policy, telling all the world powers that any nation should have right to trade their goods in China. Many of the powers would only agree to the policy if the other nations agreed to it.
      The Panama Canal was built so that America would have easy access to the Latin America economic markets. Also it served as another method in which to protect their territories from The Spanish-American War. The Panamanians wanted their independence from Columbia for a while. The Americans blockaded Colombian naval forces during The Panama Revolution. For America loyal support in aiding them in their effort to achieve their independence the Panamanians agreed to sign. “The Buana Verdua Treaty” giving the Americans the green-light to build their canal. The treaty was named after the Panaman Prime Minister.
      In order to secure America's dominance over Latin America, President Woodrow Wilson an anti-imperialist, invaded more countries then any other President in order to secure America's financial investments Nicaragua, who was facing military retributions for debts they owed to Germany, was rescued by America who paid off their debts. Officially Nicaragua had become a US protectorate. 
       A similar circumstance occurred in Venezuela when two of heir gunboats were sunk by Germany for debts they owed. America paid the debt and now the debt was owed to America. America, who had investments in Honduras, helped the government put down a rebellion in order to secure its assets. America bought the Virgin Islands from Denmark. America's power and influence in Latin America grew and grew and time and time again President referenced The Monroe Doctrine as well as the Roosevelt Corollary (a restating of the clauses put forth In The Monroe Doctrine) to justify their actions.
      Yellow Journalism, the over-sensationalizing of new stories, came to prominence during their Imperial era. William Randolph Hearst and Joseph Pulitzer, the heads of the rival newspaper companies, competed for sales by hyping up the atrocities being committed by the Spanish in Cuba and later the atrocities being committed by the Americans in the Philippines.
Dollar Diplomacy was a policy instituted under Taft to encourage American businessmen to invest in foreign markets to secure American dominance over the region. Examples of this; Taft encouraged Wall Street Bankers to buy Chinese railroads and then liquidate the assets and give them back to the assets, just so that other world powers wouldn't have control over these railroads.


      What justified Imperialism? Many thought that the Anglo-Saxon people had a duty to spread democracy and religion to lesser peoples. The doctrines of this white supremacy is clear in Social Darwinism, a philosophy stating that stronger people should rule over the weak.

Monday, January 18, 2016

The Entrapment of Enamorment


The World Thru The LaVeyian Lense

My God doesn't judge you for masturbating to boobies.
And sometimes, I like to I root for the villains in movies.

I hate institutionalized religion.
Because Anton taught me that burning homosexuals is a fucked up mission.

I've spent an entire lifetime listening to my Evangelical parents.
So I'm no longer offended by political in-correctness.

I believe that war balances out over-population.
And natural disasters take out the over-abundance of Haitians.

I know that there is no such thing as good and evil because morality is subjective.
And those who try to say otherwise have their own political objectives.

I don't care if my Gothic garb and my nose rings make me any more of less of a demon.
The opinions of the sheep mean nothing to the wolf and his magical load of satanic semen.

I don't hate Christians and I don't Muslims and amongst my social circle I have a few Jews.
Lose. Choose. Boo's. Cues. Ruse.

Sex is awesome.
microcosm.
Because I believe in indulgence.
But I don't believe in compulsions.

Without Him

I am a bastard.
Born out of disaster.
I was a mistake.
A mis-fortunate fate.
I was an affair.
And after I was born,
my sperm donor gave
little care.
And I use the term
sperm donor because
my mother found a
man,
soon after.
Who saved her and this
beautiful bastard.
And this poem is an
ode to him.
Who saved my Mother
from the darkness,
the abyss and the brim.
Without him.
She would have been
broken emotionally,
limp by limp.
And if angels like my
father did not exist.
My Mom would have
had a 1000 reasons to
slit her wrists.
In a perfect world,
she could have made
the decision to abort me.
And as silly as he was,
he made the decision
to court her,
you see.
So my life,
is a puzzle piece
of what if
legacies.
But the best road came
to be,
fortunately.
And it was so close to
being terrible,
this life I live.
But lucky me,
some of us in this
world have made it their
mission to give and give
and give and give.
And so I say,
every single day.
I raise a glass.
To a man,
who took on the noblest
of tasks.
To raise a child that was
not his.
But he made me his.
And told me that
blood doesn't mean shit,
son.
Because no matter what
anyone else says,
you'll always be my son.
And I wouldn't be half the
man I am today.
Without him.

Sunday, January 10, 2016

Jew-"ish"

I was born Robert mother fucking Gold
but my family might as well be the
Jewkikechristkillers because the label
would be the same. But I'm not fucking
ashamed of my name.

I wear a Star of David tattooed proudly
across my heart and I'm not even Jewish,
I was raised a Protestant. But my kike
heart is not made of tin.

I feel the stain of antisemitism thrown at
me in volatile spite. Prejudice and
Pre-justice, absent the knowledge to know
your wrong from your right.

And yet I myself have never touched a
Palestinian babe. Never smelt em. Never
felt em. Never held em.

I was born Robert Gold. Robert mother
fucking Gold. Not Goldstein. Goldberg.
And yet I might as well be Robert
Jewkikechristkiller. Because the label
would the same. But I'm not fucking
ashamed of my name.

And yet even when I'm Jewish enough to
hear every long nose joke in the book.
Every Jewish girl that I've ever laid eyes
on gives me the outsider look.

Such exclusivity within their closed door
ranks. Much reclusivity, FINE! They run
the banks!

Now sooooo many rejections by my Jewish
brethren have transformed me into an anti-
semite. And I'm ready to continue Hitler's
fight. And I'm ready to blitzkrieg, every day
and every night.

Oh why do I forsake the Fuhrer. For his mi-
ssion is pure.

And now the rain has fallen on me. And I
must continue Adolf's legacy. The Fourth
Reich shall be my history. My glorious
hegemony dynasty. Its not a self hating
fantasy. Because the Nazi in me. Is
unlocked and free. Its the Aryan truth that
was meant to be.

Many will die in my new Holocaust. And
soon the Jews will be gone and lost.

But why do I hate the Jews so much? And
why am I in such a rush?

A Jewish girl broke my heart, oh what a
bummer. But don't judge me, it was just this
past summer. And my heart still hurts because
she still has my number.

And she's texting me all the time. Love poems,
that intricately rhyme.

Why would you push me away? And yet still have
lovely things to say?

Its not the fault of the Jewish people, her manipulative
nature. But I have within me, a heart full of anger.

And the death of the Jews would suffice my pain. To
wipe away this kike DNA.

All my life I've felt the impact of antisemitism and
racism, on behalf of a people that will never love me
back. And the Star of David that I used to wear across
my neck, is a Christ killing heart attack.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

How I Became a Writer

         I've been a writer since I was 9. And back then I was just writing silly Star Wars fan fiction. And for years, all I wrote was silly Star Wars Fan Fiction. It wasn't until I was 11 in my 6th grade year when I met my English teacher, Ms. Axelson at Millikan Middle School. She changed my life and inspired me to become the writer I am today.
         One person can have a great impact on the life of another. Ms. Axelson doesn't know it but I think about her everyday and the influence she had on me and it gets me emotional and teary eyed just writing about it in a facebook post because I know that all of us, or at least many of us, have that 1 special teacher from our grade school years who we will take with us in our hearts and minds long after we've graduated.

Friday, January 1, 2016

The Chronicles of The Great War: Crown Prince's Palace

Shall conquer the West.  
We are Germans, none the less. 
I know we are blessed.

The Winds & Whistles of Love: She Keeps Me Warm

So he bends the knee.  
What future awaits thee?
We'll just wait and see.

The Winds & Whistles of Love: First Epistle to the Corinthians

Oh how love is great.
Oh how love is flourishing.
Oh how love is sweet.

The Chronicles of The Great War: The Fall of the Second Reich

The Kaiser is strength. 
And the Reich is empire.
The Deutschland is power.

The Chronicles of The Great War: Lions led by Donkeys

Hatred of nations.
Thousands of war-torn patients.
Lost generations. 

The Chronicles of The Great War: The Lost Generation

Germans and Tory's.
Of dead boys. Conquered glory.
This is my story.

The Chronicles of The Great War: Outbreak of the First World War

Lusitania. 
War engulfed America.
Drafts. Hysteria.  

The Chronicles of The Great War: Making the World "Safe for Democracy"

Idiocracy!
Dead for democracy!
War! Hypocrisy!

The Chronicles of The Great War: Tales from the Trenches

Trenches. Bodies. Led.  
Oh how they smell of the dead.
Rivers and rivers of red.

An Ode to Kirk Douglas

Pop culture knowledge. 
No! I am Spartacus! 
.....movie references. 

Fuck Blue Ranch Dressing

Eating a salad. 
Oh my god I hate blue ranch. 
This is really really gross. 

The Winds & Whistles of Love: Because You Loved Me

Because I love you.
I wrote this haiku just for you. 
I hope you like it. 

Holla to my Homos

I like big fat cock. 
Because I am a huge fag. 
Sorry lesbians. 

The Anecdotes & Allegories of War: The Vacant Chair

They called it civil. 
What is civil about war?
Whats it even for?

The Anecdotes & Allegories of War: The Faded Coat of Blue

Always triumphing. 
Always fighting for justice. 
Always for honor. 

Man, Myth, Legend

Hi my name is Smith. 
Consider me man and myth. 
I make the world blithe.  

Comic Book Kings

Comics, cards, figures. 
See I'm a nerd till the end. 
Like a star wars sith. 

The Winds & Whistles of Love: Why Do Fools Fall in Love?

Love is like a spell
No I’ll never kiss and tell
Till heaven and hell

My Mom is Gay

        After parents got divorced when I was 4, my Mom ended up in a relationship with a woman for 7 years. I didn't go to the most progressive School, so I kept it like a secret, a dirty detail of my life that I could never divulge, for fear of being ostracized.
       Its funny I'm not gay and I felt like I was the one in the closet. Few of my close friends knew my secret. That my mother was with a woman. Some people told me she'd gone Lesbian. Others told me she'd finally discovered she was a bi-sexual butterfly that just needed to stretch her experimental wings.
        I thought most people stretch those wings in College but my mother never went to college, so 40 it was, dating her first woman. I was 10, I didn't know whether my mother was gay or straight or bisexual. she was my mother, I didn't really care one way or the other.
        Though wouldn't it be crazy if the story took a crazy twist, like I turned out to be some nut job fundamentalist christian and I was the one wagging the finger at my own mother. It would be like some crazy role reversal. Maybe I got an Oscar worthy movie on my hands, who knows. I'll have the same guys who did broke back mountain direct it.  
        Remember when I said earlier I was good at fitting into social groups, well part of High School, is reinvented yourself into somebody that others like. Its funny, I'm not even gay and it felt like I was the one in the closet. You know how they always do all those videos for kids my age, telling us to stand up when we see someone being bullied, its not really as easy as they make it seem.
        Going to school, hearing the kinds of things people said, there weren't even always big things, you know? Sometimes it was just hearing people say the word gay as a synonym for doing something repulsive or grotesque,
        I remember in my Sophomore Year when I saw my first openly gay couple at my high School, my friends would say the most vile things about them when we all went out for lunch. We'd see them walking by, and it felt like the whole school was watching them. They'd whisper like cowards, making sly clever little comments About how they dressed, how they talked and all the disgusting things they must do when their alone. Once again, I just kept on eating my roast beef sandwich, just doing what I needed to do to survive in this social jungle.

One-Liners, Routines & Set-Ups

1. You ever look at Chinese writing. Its weird dude. Its just a weird series of random squiggly lines. Its like it was written by Michael J. Fox.

2. You know there are vegan parents, who live in on farms who wont let their kids have meat. They'll sneak into the barnyard late at night and naw on a cow's, and be like, "is this what MCDONALDS taste like.

3. Why is it that when Toby Magiuere gets bit by a spider he gets super powers and when I get bit by a spider I get a rash and have to go to the ER?

 4. Sends a picture of a cat. I thought you weren't the kind of girl who sent pictures of your pussy.

5. I don't wanna buy condoms in front of a bunch of people. Then people are going to know I'm having sex.

6. What? Are you afraid that people are going to think you're cool as fuck? You gotta keep that reputation of the weird Jew kid.

7. This whole performance is apart of my confessional. I've been a Catholic all my life. But that's just because I love molesting children.

8. Look all i want is a chance to waste your time, baby that's all I'm asking for.

9. This friend of mine told me that he knew this guy who could ask girls out left and right, he could literally stop a pretty girl on the street and ask her for her.number. n she'll give it him. Because he's just that good. N then my friend has the nerve to tell me that this after the fact that this guy hes talking about is french. I'm like, it doesn't count if he's french. That's like a performance enhancement drug in the dating world. That is an unfair playing field, ladies n gentlemen.

10. Before gay marriage was a thing, do you think that gay dudes wrestled each other to decide who got the coffee table during the break up.

11. You know I once had sex with a quadriplegic.,.and I know what some of you might be thinking. Robert...no arms....no legs..why would you even own a dog like that?

12. You know...Shia Labeouf has been in a lot of porno's over the years. Once of his early ones was a college girls gone wild sort of deal, they called it...holes.  His most popular adult film was a tranny porn called Transformers. He did another a couple years back where he dressed his penis up like Uncle Sam...they called it...Eagle Eye.

13. Pizza...you know....Davina and I can talk about pizza because its not a controversial topic. Pizza doesn't make 76 cent on the dollar. Pizza doesnt deal with thousands of years of institutionalized misogyny. Pizza doesn't have to worry about the street late at night, wondering if pizza is gunna get raped.

14. So i was out to dinner last week with this girl, and all of the sudden she sticks her hand under the table...and puts her hand...in my wallet.

15. And she uses my money to pay for dinner. Its like she knew I was going to ask her to split the bill. Listen...I'm not the one who ordered two things off the entree menu.

16. Transgender. You know getting that pussy implanted ain't covered under Obamacare. We ain't spending hard earned american tax dollars on your pussy. Were too busy invading Middle Eastern countries trying to get Muslim women to take their head gear off, while we got American women back here in the States trying to get new head gear put in. (gesture to crotch. Grasp air like a dick near your pants to insinuate a women getting her own dick)

17. And so after dinner...I go back to her place...and let me tell you...she had such a soft...couch.

18. So my father used to beat me as a kid...at every game of monopoly we ever played.

19. I was actually one of nine kids growing....to get molested in our neighborhood.

20. And growing up one of my favorite toys was those water guns...I think the one I owned was called a super soaker...which ironically is the same nickname OJ gave his cellmate.

21. So yesterday I raped my friend Mike...in a very competitive game of basketball.

22. A couple weeks ago Ex-girlfriend got stabbed...so if any of you know a good place to hide a dead body...I'd be very appreciative.

23. So yesterday my neighbor's super annoying little Boston terrier ran away from home...or at least that's what I had to tell the police officers. 

The Pumpkin & Pies

It was just as an other year would be.
If you were spending your thanksgiving with me.
Great feasting festivities.
Is all the eye can see.
But as the night grows old.
The room goes cold.
And mold,
is everywhere across the table fold.
As if ages have past,
the pumpkins and pies have spoiled too fast.
Now let the night end at last.
And yet even after I thought the surprises were done.
The turkey decided to have some fun.
And go for a run.
And as my dinner jumped up from my china plate.
It seemed not to hesitate.
As the resurrected turkey,
danced a little quirky.
And squawked like a little birdie.
What a holiday to remember.
I wonder what surprises await, in the month of December.