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Sunday, August 14, 2016

The Feminist Myth of The Wage Gap

When examining the feminist myth surrounding the wage gap we have to look at, what percentage of those women are reentering the labor force after 20 years of raising children. But rather when you compare women who have continuously stayed in the labor force since High School over the past 20 years to their male counter parts, the wage discrepancies disappear. Often times the women are actually making more then their male counter parts. 
---Dr. Thomas Sowell. American Economist. Social Theorist. Political Philosopher. 

Friday, August 12, 2016

Darkness Rising Prologue

"We die as we are born. In the arms of those that love us in ways that we could not possibly love ourselves.

Let me tell you a story about a day in the life of me, Lawrence Dubwa. My friends. My homeboys. My crew. Whatever you wanna call them.

Well we were driving one night, and that was the night that the masked assailants took me. Of where they came from and who they work for, I still do not know.

I woke up in a large cage. And in the dirtiest darkest most disgusting pits human depravity I was forced to fight against my fellow man in gladiatorial fashion for the entertainment of the rich entitled few.

In the cage I survived. And for the first time in my meaningless life I had purpose. To stop the injustices of these barbaric games of blood. And bring those responsible to justice.

And so in that cage I was reborn. And Lawrence Dubwa died. But from the ashes of his mortal remains, Theokules was born."

One-Liner Jokes

Stand-Up Comedy

One-Liner Jokes
1.      Why do men love to offer their dogs peanut butter? How else are they gunna get them to lick their balls?
2.      You know, I made love to a fine bitch last night. And the whole time she wouldn’t stop barking.
3.      Why do gay men love fishing so much? Because it’s the only fish their ever taste.
4.      You know some women do act like totally stuck up bitches. But I prefer not to refer to women in such derogatory manner. I’ve recently been made aware that they actually prefer the term property.
5.      I got a high pitched voice like Truman Capote. I jerk off to reruns of Zack and Cody.
6.      Does anyone here have kids? Okay…let’s talk about child molestation. Are we for it or are we against it?
7.      Do you know what they say about Jewish circumcisions? Once you get that first 10% off, you’ll want it for the rest of your life.
8.      Genghis Khan. If you know anything about Genghis Khan, you know that his armies raped and pillaged across China. He was basically the Bill Cosby of Medieval Times.
9.      As a child I remember being with my family during the summer. And it was so hot. And we used to play with these water guns. I think they were called Super Soakers. Which ironically is what OJ calls his cellmate.
10.  You know I’ve thought about this a lot. If Cardinals are tasked with spreading the Holy Father’s message, then God must be a child molester. Listen I think we know who’s getting the brunt of God’s love. And it ain’t the hungry, the tired and the poor.
11.  Welfare. I’m a racist Republican as I said, and I often times have trouble distinguishing between welfare recipients and the line at KFC.
12.  You know recently my credit score hasn’t been too great and I’ve had to resort to dating black girls. I know. I know. It’s awful. Don’t tell my Bubby, she might cut me out of the will. So anyways, just this past Tuesday I went on a date with a black girl for the first time and let me tell you, her lips tasted like melanin. Watermelon-in.
13.  Napoleon. Throughout history conquerors have been so last week at the illuminati meeting, Dr. Dre and I decided Bernie Sanders is gunna be president. You peasants be grateful we’ve given you an Argentinian Pope.
14.  The Republicans pretend don’t hate rap music because it’s a bad influence on our children. I’ve talked to fellow Republicans and that answer is farthest from the truth. We’re just worried that it’ll turn out children black. And it works both ways too, did you know that? How do you think Michael Jackson got vitiligo? That’s right, he was listening to much Mumford and Sons.
15.  God, I remember how gay my brother and I were growing up. Let’s argue about the rules of a game we just made up. Bitch, if your foot touches the lava then you’re out.
16.  Now, I have a controversial topic that I wanna discuss. I wanna tell you guys a rape joke. But I don’t wanna stuff it down your throats.
17.  You’re a towel, you get me dry when I’m wet.
18.  Don’t you dare raise your vocal inflections above a certain octave when your speaking me, mister.

Stand-Up Comedy
 One-Liner Jokes
1.      Reeducation. Teaching people that Asians are good at basketball and blacks are good at math.
2.      When I’m at family parties I get really awkward. I never know what to talk about and so you know I go up to my grandparents and whip out a photo of my dick. Their response “Wow! You’ve gotten so big since we last saw you!”
3.      If raising children is considered a full time by the Internal Revenue Service, then doesn’t it kind of make sense that women only make 78cent on the dollar? By those standards, shouldn’t women be making more like 38cent on the dollar? Shouldn’t we be paying women what we pay Chinese children?
4.      My grades in High School were pretty pornographic, I mean I’m talking double D’s running wild. I like my grades the way I way I like my women. Double D’s. Back in High School I had so many D’s you could have shot a girl’s gone wild video.

5.      You know someday when I’m married I need to have guy son. Who else is going to teach me how to dress? Who else is going to take my 70-year-old ass out to brunch on a Sunday?

A New Chapter of Your Life

A rumbled awakening in a new age new era.
Sweat stained stripes in the mirror.
For so long you have struggled.
In the rock and the rubble.
Blood, strength, and tears.
And now you stand here.
And maybe its fate.
That a prosperous tomorrow awaits.
Because now you’re on the cusp of your rebirth.
And you have a gallant place on this Earth.

The Comedy Roast of Lakota Wind

1.      Now my friend, Lakota has fucked so many black guys her pussy smells like a welfare line.
2.      Now my friend Lakota has fucked so many black guys she actually considers it rude not to talk in movie theaters.
3.      Now my friend Lakota has fucked so many black guys her wet dream is to be the next Monica Lewinsky.
4.      Now my friend Lakota has fucked so many black guys her nickname in the ghetto is oreo.
5.      Now my friend Lakota has fucked so any black guys her pussy used to be a salve port.
6.      Now my friend Lakota has had so many black abortions she’s considered a registered crime fighter.
7.      Now my friend Lakota has fucked so many black guys she uses their own 7 foot cocks to whip them to help them feel more in touch with their ancestry.


List of Awesome Things Homeless People Miss Out On, Because They’re Poor as Fuck

1.      Lines at the DMV
2.      Cigarettes.
3.      Pussy. I’ve never seen a homeless man who ever owned a cat. You know? And I’ve never seen a homeless man stick his dick in a pussy’s pussy.
4.      Taxes.
5.      Having a kid with Down Syndrome. And then you have to go through the whole process of getting it euthanized. You know I always hate that awkward ride home from the doctor’s office. Trying to get that down syndrome child smell out of your car.
6.      Having to wash dishes.

7.      Oh yah. Having to always talk to your parents on the phone. I wonder, do hobos even have parents. 

The Comedy Roast of Emmanuel

1.      When Zack asked Emmanuel, you want these genital that hang like two big black bowling balls begging to bang those while pins at the end of the alley. Emmanuel replied, this nutrition cavity. I mean come on. Do you even have to ask? Like bro, is the pope a pedophile? I’m just kidding Emmanuel I shouldn’t make jokes about the People being a child molester. That would be offensive to child molesters. I mean priests. But anyways. But anyway. Emmanuel said the opposite. Because he’s as straight as Tiger Woods and 18 holes. And when I say holes, I mean vagina. Just in case we have to dumb it down for out African-American listeners. Oh geeze, oh gosh. Oh golly. That was racist, wasn’t it. My white side isn’t coming out pretty strong today. Wealth. Power. Sorry, I got a little Jewish in me. Anyway a better thing Emmanuel might have said to protect his heterosexuality. Like bro, come on, is the Pope Jewish? Oh I’m just kidding guys, everyone knows Jews are as gross as Catholics.
2.      What’s the similarity between Emmanuel’s mouth and my bed sheets? They’re both filled with cum stains.
3.      Emmanuel I know how obsessed you are with the zombie genre because you’re a necrophiliac and all, but besides the fact that the Jigsaw film series is your go to jerk off video. I want to talk about the Saw films, or as Emmanuel likes to call it, Porn.
4.      Emmanuel is such a conceded fucking prick. I mean, just the other night Emmanuel’s girlfriend asks him, “Can we work towards my orgasm tonight?” and Emmanuel, like a douche replies, “Honey lets focus on what’s important here.”

5.      Like bro, does the pope shit in the woods? More importantly, does the Pope shit on little boys?

Stand-Up Comedy

I’m a registered Republican. And I know that’s not a popular thing to say in Los Angeles, were a very liberal city for the most part but please do not think ill of me, I’m not one of those types of Republicans who wants to invade every country and spread American democracy around the world. And I’m not one of those types of Republicans who wants to censor our television programs because I think that Rock n Roll is corrupting our children. In honest truth, the only reason I’m really a Republican is because I hate black people. I think it’s been far too long since we had a white man in the oval office. Soon enough we’re not gunna be able to call it the white house anymore. We’re gunna have to start calling it the cotton club. No, being serious for a moment, the reason I’m a Republican is because I’m fiscally conservative. I don’t believe that rich people should have to pay all the taxes. I think that poor people should have to pay all the taxes. Let me put it to in a slightly different context, should Donald Trump be able to buy himself a brand new 747 commercial airliner or should little Cindy be able to have her Quinncera? Fuck little Cindy! Her Dad makes plenty of money standing outside of Home Depot all day. Listen Mama’s got a sweet hustle too. She sells her plasma to Kaiser Permante. She sold her eggs to. I mean Cindy’s Mama is a straight hustler, she works a double shift at Wendy’s as a fry cook and she still has time to sell bootleg copies of Star Wars at Macarthur Park. I mean, Cindy and Trump are neck and neck people.


Now, I have a controversial topic that I wanna discuss. I wanna tell you guys a rape joke. But I don’t wanna stuff it down your throats.

You’re a towel, you get me dry when I’m wet.

Don’t you dare raise your vocal inflections above a certain octave when your speaking me, mister.
When I’m at family parties I get really awkward. I never know what to talk about and so you know I go up to my grandparents and whip out a photo of my dick. Their response “Wow! You’ve gotten so big since we last saw you!”
If raising children is considered a full time by the Internal Revenue Service, then doesn’t it kind of make sense that women only make 78cent on the dollar? By those standards, shouldn’t women be making more like 38cent on the dollar? Shouldn’t we be paying women what we pay Chinese children?
Reeducation. Teaching people that Asians are good at basketball and blacks are good at math.

The Roast of Israel Galvez
1.      Israel is so Mexican that his sign language name is [hand jumping over other hand].
2.      Israel is so Mexican he can fit 12 coal miners inside of his gaping vagina.
3.      Israel is so Mexican his summer vacation home is the Home Depot parking lot.
4.      Israel is so Mexican he thought his girlfriend’s period blood was Cholula sauce.
5.      Israel is so Mexican he thinks that Speedy Gonzalez is his real Dad.
6.      Israel is so Mexican he nursed his sister back to health from the swine flu.
7.      Israel is so Mexican he stays in the Home Depot parking lot until 3am just to make a few extra dollars to feed his family. God, there’s nothing I hate more than a struggling immigrant with a hard work ethic.
8.      Israel is so fucking Mexican his family helps maintain the backbone of the American economy.
9.      Israel is so fucking Mexican he once invited me to his house for dinner, what a fucking asshole.
10.  Israel is so fucking Mexican he works over-time on Holidays just to feed his family. God, poor people are so gross. Am I right?
11.  Israel is so Mexican he’s getting a full ride scholarship to Stanford. What a fucking monster. Trying to make a better life for himself. What a cunt.

The Roast of PETA
1.      PETA hates corporations so much there opening up their own fat food burger joint to rival McDonalds. It’s called McCunties. Oh I’m sorry guys. I read the article wrong, it’s not a burger joint. It’s gunna be a fish market. So I don’t know, enjoy.
2.      PETA hates government medical research so much they shut down an agricultural project that was gunna give everybody in America their own personal robot slave. Yah, how cool would that have been? The project’s first product on the market was going to be the Beaner Bot. Sounds frikin awesome by the name of it, am I right? Am I right? No seriously, am I right?
3.      Not a lot of people know this but PETA was actually responsible for Michael Vick’s conviction. Actually, matter of factly, PETA is responsible for hundreds of convictions against animal abusers. So I guess you could say, mind you. This might be a stretch, but…PETA is responsible for a lot of anal rape. Hey, I guess PETA and I have more in common than I thought.

My grades in High School were pretty pornographic, I mean I’m talking double D’s running wild. I like my grades the way I way I like my women. Double D’s. Back in High School I had so many D’s you could have shot a girl’s gone wild video.

Roast of Geoffrey Elbaz
1.      Geoffrey suffers from a disease known as Asian Penis Syndrome. Let me explain. Santa Claus, every year goes around the world with his nice list and his naughty list. If Santa Claus decides that you were naughty, he cuts off 3inches from your penis. But on your 18th birthday he gives you an option if you suck his candy cane and curdle his snow globe just the way he likes it then on your death bed and he dangles your little huevos over her head while he sings Silent Night. Then he has his reindeer nibble on your frozen balls that he keeps in his personal naughty boy freezer. And all Geoffrey would have to say would be, *British Accent* Robert, please. You uncultured swine. It is not penis…its peni.

You know when I was younger I was diagnosed with AHD, and I was told that I makes it hard for you to focus but when you do focus to the point where your obsessed. And so I ask my parents do I have a mental superpower or am I mentally retarded? Cuz you here so many stories about famous people who changed the world and maybe they had some form of ADHD. Like instance Albert Einstein. Einstein might have had ADHD. Now was what he had a mental superpower or a mental retardation? Because some people say he created E=MC2, which I believe was the formula that we used to create what we know today as thermos nuclear energy. Now that fuckin great and all, thank you for the invention of the light bulb Mr. Einstein and thank you for giving me fresh toast in the morning, Mr. Einstein, that’s so sweet of you. Breakfast in bed, oh my God Mr. Einstein that’s so adorable. I didn’t know that people Could make breakfast.t. Okay. Okay. Okay. Back to my original point. And so he created E=MC2. But are we talking about the same guy who created the fuckin A-Bomb. And yet he gets no blame whatsoever for what happened in Hiroshima and Nagasaki. You can’t blame Truman for using the product that Einstein gave to him. I’m serious! You can’t blame the user of a product, that was given to them. You have to blame the inventor. That’s like someone saying, “You know thinking about Auschwitz really grinds my gears. Those fucking asshole Jews. Using that facility for 4 years, rent free.” Using that fine piece of real estate, the Nazis gave to them. Those fucking Jews. Oh my God, if you had seen the interior work done on those showers, to die for. Literally, you’d walk into one of those Nazi showers and you would just keel over backwards.” So anyways, back to Einstein guy. That guys a real A-Bomb if you ask me.

The Comedy Roast of America
1.      What’s the similarity between America and Kim Kardashian? They’ve both fucked a lot of black men.
2.      What’s the similarity between America and the Home Depot parking lot. There both filled with unwanted Mexicans.
3.      I’ve always had a problem with the American School System. I don’t think that it prepares us for the real world. When the hell am I ever going to use Chemistry in my life. Sure, when I’m feeling down after a bad break-up and want to cook myself some meth but besides that, it’s a useless class. What’s the similarity between a Gay Guy and a good English student? They both give great oral presentations.
4.      You know everyone’s always going on and on about how the American Film Industry is the best in the world. But I’ve watched my fair share of America, Cinema, it’s not all that great. I mean, No Country for Old Men. I saw it. It’s ridiculous. It’s this sci-fi dystopia film where the American government outlaws Viagra and all the old fucks go hunger games on each other.

So my grandfather n my mother’s side is a very religious man. He raised my mother catholic, and she in turn took me to a protestant church growing up, but that’s just because she didn’t think I could handle being molested. Guess I’m not as strong as my grandfather was. She says I’m a tattle tail. But anyways, I did visit my grandfather in Florida recently. And we watched passion of the Christ. I haven’t seen someone whipped that badly since I watched 50 shades of grey.

I had bacon, eggs and hash browns this morning. And let me tell you, I really think Aunt Jemima out did herself this time.

My job at the call center is like being awkward gay bullied kid in High School, all I can say is…IT GETS BETTER.


Sometimes when I’m on dates I like to play this game I like to call…” Let’s convince this girl that I’m on a date with, that I’m a good person.” Mind you I’m very bad at this game. And so she might say something like, “Why is our food taking so long, and I’ll say…because it’s being made by Mexicans.” And she’ll say “That’s racist.” And I’ll say, “I’m not racist. I’m a realist.”

1.      Why do men love to offer their dogs peanut butter? How else are they gunna get them to lick their balls?
2.      You know, I made love to a fine bitch last night. And the whole time she wouldn’t stop barking.
3.      Why do gay men love fishing so much? Because it’s the only fish their ever taste.
4.      You know some women do act like totally stuck up bitches. But I prefer not to refer to women in such derogatory manner. I’ve recently been made aware that they actually prefer the term property.
+

I got a high pitched voice like Truman Capote.
I jerk off to reruns of Zack and Cody.

“A New Chapter of Your Life”
A rumbled awakening in a new age new era.
Sweat stained stripes in the mirror.
For so long you have struggled.
In the rock and the rubble.
Blood, strength, and tears.
And now you stand here.
And maybe its fate.
That a prosperous tomorrow awaits.
Because now you’re on the cusp of your rebirth.
And you have a gallant place on this Earth.

Wide and Thick. Which ironically is what OJ calls his cellmate.

This is what my childhood with my brother was like. Let’s go argue the rules of a game we made up.

You know someday when I’m married I need to have guy son. Who else is going to teach me how to dress? Who else is going to take my 70-year-old ass out to brunch on a Sunday?

You know sometimes my Mother cries because she thinks I don’t love her. And I have to say to her, calm down Mom. In the, which parent do I love most contest? You came in 2nd place. You were the runner up candidate. You know it was a competitive season. And all the teams brought their A game. But Dad’s Six Flags season passes really put him over the edge this year.

Back in 1800s the government encouraged people to uproot their lives and settle in the west. 160 acres of free land per person. Sounds awesome, in theory, in actuality, it’d be like if the government paid for your luxurious 3 story mansion in the middle of Antarctica. A huh. A huh. Pretty shitty, right? Don’t think it can get much worse?
Don’t worry. I’m about to blowjob your mind. Your only neighborhood in this God forsaken land? Sarah Palin. Sarah fucking Palin. And you have to raise her down syndrome baby. And you have to teach that down syndrome baby to hunt polar bears. And I don’t mean those cute little dying polar bears, the ones in the coca cola commercials, that are like, “Oh. Global Warming. This sucks. We’re all going to die.” No, not those polar bears. Those are pussy bears. I’m talking about a big…ferocious…polar bear that’ll bite your dick off and chew on it like it’s an Italian sausage.

Roast of Birthright Israel Trip
1.      So many of you are aware that there are a lot of Persian guys on this trip. But few of you are aware that I actually speak a little bit of Farsi myself. Now let me try and speak to the Persian in its mother tongue. Persian standard time. Sports car. Axe body spray. Hookah. Body odor. Job application. Okay, many of you are familiar with the WW2 concept of a Second Front on Germany’s Russian border. But very few of you actually know that “second front” is what Vlad calls it when he takes two dicks in his mouth at once.

Do you know what they say about Jewish circumcisions? Once you get that first 10% off, you’ll want it for the rest of your life.

You know I’ve thought about this a lot. If Cardinals are tasked with spreading the Holy Father’s message, then God must be a child molester. Listen I think we know who’s getting the brunt of God’s love. And it ain’t the hungry, the tired and the poor.

Does anyone here have kids? Okay…let’s talk about child molestation. Are we for it or are we against it?

Welfare.
I’m a racist Republican as I said, and I often times have trouble distinguishing between welfare recipients and the line at KFC.

I went on a date with a black girl for the first time, just this past Tuesday and let me tell you, her lips tasted like melanin. Watermelon-in. (but that’s only because my credit scores not too great)

Napoleon
Throughout history conquerors have been so last week at the illuminati meeting, Dr. Dre and I decided Bernie Sanders is gunna be president. You peasants be grateful we’ve given you an Argentinian Pope.

The Republicans pretend to hate rap music because we claim it’s a bad influence on our children. When John Bayner and Newt Gingrich and I are at the Klu Klux Klan meetings, all we talk about is how much we hate Jay-Z and Snoop Dog.

Genghis Khan
If you know anything about Genghis Khan, you know that his armies raped and pillaged across China. He was basically the Bill Cosby of Medieval Times.

Adolf Hitler
Listen, this is a city of ambitious people trying to make in Hollywood, were all just 1 art school rejection letter away from killing 6 million Jews. Just to admit to all of you, I have a bit of a Nazi obsession. Hitler gets me more excited than Caitlin Jenner at San Quentin. I mean, you’ll have my dick exploding faster than the NASA Space Challenger. Hitler gets me uber hard. Hitler and I have a lot in common Similar to Hitler I also tested out my suicide attempt on my dog first. And yes, it was kind of a bonding experience wrapping a rope around my dog’s neck as I furiously masturbated him to completion. But you know, suicide is no laughing matter. It’s something I take very seriously. I mean, are you going around testing your theories of auto-erotic affixation jerking off cocker spaniels? Didn’t think so.

I recently went through a break-up this past December. My girlfriend broke up with on December 23. And I don’t know if it was her intention to ruin my Christmas but I have a strong suspicion that she might be a Jew. But it’s better that we broke up. We had the social chemistry of Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman.


National Association for the Association of Colored People. Well, I got a secret for yah black people you’re not very colorful. Now if you got yourselves some rainbow flags like the faggies, then colored people might be an appropriate name for yah’ll. Well I got a secret for yah black people, you’re not very colorful. When I’m drawing a rainbow flag for my gay orgy parties on Sunset/La Brea Thursdays @ 9pm… (speed up when you say address/time) I never use the color black in my rainbow, black people, I don’t know you guys started calling yourselves colored folk, your very dull as far as color goes. If I was having a tye-dye party, I wouldn’t invite any black people…I mean I wouldn’t have any black on tye-dye. 


Stand-Up Comedy
1.      *Mimic Holding a FireArm to a Child’s Head* “I’m holding an African-American child on my lab and if you don’t give me tax-deductible monthly gift of $25, I will blow this fucking kids brains out?”
2.      My history teacher gives me a boner. Going on and on about how the big strong powerful l Pharaohs took the Jews into bondage. Oh fuck, did the Jews where nipple clamps as they were building the pyramids? Did the Jews build the Sphinx with a rope tied around their balls? Oh fuck, I think I’m about to have a Jewgasm.
3.      It literally feels like a zombie apocalypse every time I drive into a Home Depot parking lot. And the hungry people looking for work, crowding around my car. *Bad Cholo Accent* “Hey man, you need any sorta work done. Window washing. House painting. Piñata Installation. Piñata Removal. Rubby rubby. Tuggy tuggy.” And I know what you guys are all thinking right now. That was the worst Filipino accent I’ve ever heard.
4.      Some people have suggested that we build Obama’s public library in his birthplace, but Obama said that he’d rather build it in the United States.
5.      I’m so unemployed, I have masturbation written on my to-do list.
6.      I was about 4 or so when my parents got divorced so I don’t really remember a whole lot of the intricate details of how it went down…but thankfully my Mother does so she’s done well to help me remember.
7.      I go around town slashing tire prices.
8.      My brother is addicted to prescription glasses.
9.      I love lying in bed next to my black girlfriend, stroking her weave, whispering in her ear, “Do you like it when Daddy parks his steam boat in your slave port?” We’re both PoliSci Majors so she loves it when I make historical references.
10.  80% of people I’ve been meeting lately have college degrees that in no way whatsoever relate to their current careers. That’s more retarded then watching Helen Keller ride a bicycle. That’s more retarded then an autistic child’s scrabble board. That’s more retarded then my favorite Alaskan Governor’s least favorite daughter.
11.  *Angry & Disgusted Voice* “ISIS is beheading people and posting it on YouTube? Well I at least I have something to jerk off to tonight.”
12.  Black Republicans? Are you serious? Black Republicans? I find that more disgusting then Rosie O Donnell’s last triple bypass surgery.
13.  So crowd, I know you guys probably heard that Paul Walker died recently. I guess now we know how God feels about The Fast & the Furious franchise.
14.  What does sex with your Mom have in common with a Michael Bay film? There are gunna be explosions all over your face.
15.  Why was your Mom such a horrible student in High School? She was never really good at oral presentations.
16.  Miley Cyrus has wrecked more balls then testicular cancer.
17.  You know, I don’t see race, I’m very progressive. I just see everyone as white.
18.  I want Jessie’s job.
19.  So one time, my Mom walked in on me…dancing…And I had a bottle of…Gatorade…right by my bed. Because “dancing” is a very sweaty endeavor. And there were just tissues everywhere from where my sweat had perpetrated from my…*look down at crotch*…head.
20.  The difference between Jews and Christians? Christian enjoy their time at camp.
21.  Taking away soccer from a Mexican is like taking away Starbucks from a white person.
22.  Kim Kardashian has fucked more black guys then the 3 Strikes Law.
23.  Knock. Knock… [Who’s There?] … Interrupting Doctor… [Interrupting Doctor Who?] …you have cancer.
24.  Things the forefathers would say if they were alive today: Who is that in the White House? Is that one of Thomas Jefferson’s kids?
25.  I had sex with this girl turrets last night and there was spitting, and kicking and cursing and yelling of racial slurs and honestly she didn’t seem to mind.
26.  I got pulled over by a cop the other day and it was very stressful but I was able to weasel my way out of it. And I couldn’t stop crying. But that’s normal. I usually cry after sex. And I think he liked it. You know what they say folks, lick it or ticket.
27.  I used to date this girl who owned a parachute. The damn thing would never shut the fuck up. But the bird was cool.
28.  You know getting divorced was a crazy transition for me. You know, I was married for over 15 years, and I hadn’t been with another woman in over 7 years.
29.  You know, I’ve always been a history buff, all my life, since my early academic years, history was always the subject that drew me in. and you know recently, I’ve reading a lot of books on early 20th century history and at that time there was a lot of military conflicts. And the thing that everyone comes to realize is that, a man like Hitler was not a good man…he was a great man. And you know if there are anti-Semites in the audience tonight, I say to you, I’ll see you next Wednesday. I heard John’s bringing cookies this time. And my girlfriends in the past have judged me for my strong fascination with Nazism. And I always have to be like *Nazi salute. Slap her in her face with the backhand of the Nazi salute*.
30.  If the pharmacists at local CVS run out of Viagra pills, is it inappropriate if I refer to them as Doctors without Boners?
31.  So I have a tattoo of this guy on a cross. He’s this really cool character from this science fiction novel I’ve been reading.
32.  My favorite ethnic slur against whites is honky. Because I’ve always secretly wished that I could insert a horn in my testicles so that whenever my dog is licking peanut butter off of them, it sounds like rush hour traffic.
33.  I don’t get offended when a black person calls me a cracker. Because you know what, he’s right. I do taste delicious when you smear butter on top of me.
34.  I wonder if the black people at work know that I’m scared of them.
35.  The former owner of the Clippers, Rodger Sterling and I have a lot in common. We’re in open relationships. We’re all cool if our girlfriends decide to go around fucking black guys. We just don’t wanna see it advertised all over social media. The world doesn’t need to know that my girlfriend goes around fucking black guys. That is personal information about my life that stays between me, my girlfriend’s lovers, my girlfriend and our marriage counselor, Reverend Al Sharpton. Who also happens to be one of my girlfriend’s lovers.
36.  So I started watching this new show called Vikings. It focuses primarily on the historically volatile use of pillaging and rape. Sorry, enough about Jerrod from Subway’s personal day care service.
37.   Obama is just like every other lazy black man. He just sits on his ass expecting people to give him change.
38.  Let’s talk about the differences between men and women for a second. And some of the double standards we see in society. If I go up to a fellow employee, you know a dude, at work…and out a hand on his shoulder, it means “good job buddy. You’re doing great work.” But if I were to go up to a female employee, and I put my hand…on her breast, all the sudden its sexual harassment.
39.  Do you think prisoners judge each other based on what there in for? “Hey! Should we put Joey on the baseball committee?” …No, no. He’s in for attempted murder. I feel like he’s the kinda guy who really see things through.
40.  I wanna make a lot of money someday so I think I wanna open up a optics store and just make the sign really blurry.
41.  I think Jesus was probably one of the first scarecrows.
42.  Would I fuck my Mom? Of course, I would. Its ever young Jewish boy’s dream.
43.  I remember the first time I ever flew first class on an airplane. And was self-conscious about the fact that I wasn’t as nicely dressed some of the other patrons. And when I needed to fart, I knew I couldn’t possibly fart in first class. Rich people don’t fart. Everyone knows that. So I walked back towards coach. I thought it would be better to fart on the poor people. They can handle it. They know what’s it’s like to suffer. They’ve been living with the smell of ass all their lives. But the people up in first class, their farts smell like roses and white wine, if they smelled one of my poor people farts, it could shatter their whole world. They might not be able to play a game of croquet ever again. Fondue would never taste the same. All those yachts would just sit in the harbor, unused, unloved. If the rich people are too depressed to spend time in the water, who’s going to pollute our oceans? You see, we need rich people more than you could ever possibly know. If we didn’t have rich people, who would donate money from the NRA to lobby against a gun rights bill every time there’s a mass shooting? Guys, think about it. It’s such a scary possibility If we didn’t have rich people to rig our democratic elections and buy off candidates, we’d have comprehensive gun legislature in this country by now. But…but…*crying*…if there are no rich people to donate to NRA supportive congressman, how is little preschool Johnny gunna know what a 9 millimeter to the throat feels like? If little Johnny doesn’t die choking on his own blood, how are we going to know if our political system is secretly run by gun manufactures and other various corporate interests? *crying* It’s just…*crying*…it’s just so fucking painful to think about.
44.  When you’re a baby things are awesome. You take a nap wherever you feel like it. If you have to the bathroom, you shit yourself. Your thirsty, you get to suck on a titty! You know, sadly, the only titties I’ve ever gotten to suck on, were my mother’s titties. I don’t know, it’s just, I needed something to drink while I watch Trump in the Republican primary.
45.  One of the great things I love about America is that were a melting pot. In Los Angeles for example…we have Hispanics, White People, Blacks, Hispanics, Chinese, Japanese, Koreans, Vietnamese, Hispanics, Arabs, Armenians, Jews and of course, Hispanics.
46.  Do you think that blind guys can cheat on their wife and claim it was an accident?
47.  Wouldn’t it be great if your balls gyrated every time someone masturbated to the thought of you? Listen…as weird as it sounds, it would make your day. Your walking down the street and all of the sudden [gyrate], Hey! I gotta where this shirt more often.
48.  I like to slip the morning after pill into girl’s drinks, when she wakes up after a night of sex with me. And it’s not a form of drugging or roofie-ing because it’s a positive decision for both our futures.
49.  *Crowd Work* [For a Tall Asian, use Josh Escopete] How tall are you? And do you have siblings? How tall are your siblings? Jesus Christ, did your mother fuck the Harlem Globe Trotters or what? No, but seriously is your dad Yow Ming? Are you from the Philippines or the Philistines?
50.  If midgets work as elf’s during Christmas time, what do midgets do for the other 11 months out of the year? Is there massive employment in the midget community? Why aren’t there more homeless midgets? Why isn’t midget homeless an issue we’re dealing with? Forget about the Mexicans, what about the midgets?
51.  So a friend of mine showed me a picture on google images of a squatty poddy. I guess the Japanese miss their days at the internment camps.
52.  Did you guys know that Christ wasn’t actually Jesus’s real last name? Christ actually means “The Anointed One” in Greek. Jesus’s real last name was Goldenmoneysacksutensteinberg. Very traditional Jewish last name. but unfortunately, Christianity sounds a lot better than Goldenmoneysacksutensteinberganity. Listen I’m not going to make any presumptions that Jesus had a great marketing team. I wasn’t there. But as far as I’ve been told, he did keep a council of 12 Jews around him at all times.
53.  I’d like to hear a new redneck version of Jerry Seinfeld. “What’s the deal with all the niggers?”
54.  One of my girlfriend’s choked to death. It was a terrible blow.
55.  I’m really bad with the pick-up lines. I’ll go up to a girl and I’ll be all like I have clinical depression and a diagnosed bi-polar mother. I mean…I think you’re really pretty. I’m so bad as talking to women, here’s what its gunna sound like when I proposed to a woman. [Get down on one knee and stick arm into the air, like I’m opening a ring. Put head straight down, like your nervous.] How about a well-constructed contractual obligation that’ll bound our financial assets for convenient tax purposes? I mean…will you marry me?
56.  I’ve created a foundation for battered women. It’s very thick to hide the bruises.
57.  Do you wanna know why so many kids die in high school massacres? Because they’re not allowed to run in the corridors.
58.  Rape is such a terrible word. That’s why I prefer to call it, a struggle snuggle.
59.  I hated Catholic School. So many rules. I was always being told to sit here. Sit there. stand up. Sit down. I wish the priest could just pick a position and fuck me.
60.  Every time I eat at Taco Bell, it’s like an animal died in my asshole.
61.  You should just have sex with Vanessa, come on man, do it for me. Just think of me, when you’re doing it. You know, let me vicariously live through you.
62.  You have what we want. You have it. You have the X-Factor. That beautiful chin. It’s perfect. They told me a man this beautiful didn’t exist.
63.  Ae my white people being well represented in the kitchen.
64.  Those guy’s ears are so big he could be an Obama impersonator.
65.  I once dated this airhead chick. And after my excitement over her looks wore off, I realized every time our clothes were off, I was bored.
66.  Don’t you hate it when people star at you while you jerk off in the street. God, it’s the worst! It’s always been one of my biggest pet peeves I’m like, jeeze, peeping tom much? I’m trying to have some alone time here, and your dead panning me in the face. I’m just trying to express my God given rights as an American to jerk off where I please. It’s the 20th amendment right after the one about giving white dudes the right to sell their Mexicans across State’s Rights. People have no respect nowadays. I mean, here I am, trying to enjoy a good old fashioned rub and tug, and people have the indecency to move their children away from me like I’m some kind of monster. I’m like, you try and find a peaceful place to jerk off when you share a bunk bed with their 15-year-old brother. Judgmental pricks, is what I call em.
67.  One of my biggest pet peeves is when you see these families preparing for a trip and half their luggage is snacks for the road. Like, are we preparing for the apocalypse. Is it 2012? Like, who needs 4 bags of cheeto puffs. Like…I was going on a trip with my people…my people? I meant to say…my family. My people sounds like all the non-denominational Jews got together and said; (Southern Accent) “Okay let me here yah say hoorah if your Gods chosen people, okay chosen one’s time to head up to big bear for the winter. We’re gunna be hunting for some wild humans.” I don’t know my Jewish Rabbi sounds like a honky from Alabama. You know one of these guys who saves money on anniversary cards to his siblings. You know the type of redneck kids who would be like, can I have another bowl of cereal, Auntie Mama?
68.  You know I don’t think I have any gay people in my family…unless you count my Uncle whose been in prison for the past 15 years.
69.  My Mom told me I have an unhealthy fascination with Hitler. I told her to stop reading my diary.
70.  I have no quarrels with homosexuality but I do wonder who likes fisting more gay dudes or puppets.
71.  I used to think that gay sex was when 2 dudes hugged their dicks together. And it looked something like a penis pretzel.
72.  I think it’s awful that babies in Africa have aids. But boy do some of us wish we were that skinny.
73.  If you’re a woman whose so old she can’t have sex anymore, I think by law we should all be required to call her a vagina-saurus.
74.  Men are disgusting creatures, can we all agree on that? Like earlier today, I went into the bathroom stall at work, and I masturbated…[pause]…to a picture of two girls giving a blowjob to a horse. Guys I know, I’m awful. But it wasn’t my fault. I didn’t mean to see it. I was innocently just browsing the internet on sites like yahoo, Facebook, chickslovehugehorsecocks.org. And yes, it is “org” people. It was a very educational site if I do say so myself.
75.  I think Abortion and Stem Cell Research should both be legal. What else are we gunna use to kill the babies?
76.  My Mother once said to me. *Old Man Voice* “A Feminist? I thought that was one of those angry lesbians.” I don’t know why I just did that voice. My Mother is 42. If 42 sounds like that then her conversations must sound pretty ridiculously silly. *Old Man Voice* “I remember back in the 1990s when Clinton was in office. They had to rename his workplace…The Oral Office.”
77.  Guys…Gals…I think be in love…with the McDonalds Dollar Menu, with Olive Garden’s Unlimited Breadsticks policy. Ladies and Gentlemen…I think I might be in love. She’s a Persian Jew…so her family is not very accepting of me. There was this one time, I made her cry. Because I inadvertently called her overweight. We were at Castle Park, looking at prizes we could get with our tickets and I said…” You can get the jump rope for 300 tickets, maybe you can use it to start working out.” So what I’m thinking is…I fake my own death…collect a life insurance policy I put on myself…and come back into her life with a sports car and a new surgically implanted harry chest.
78.  You know I don’t like to look at the racial divides that exist between us. But there is one main difference between me and black guys. Black guys use the n word in public. Whereas I prefer to use it in private.
79.  President Penis. I like that. It makes it sound like Obama dresses his dick in a little penis suit every morning, so it looks like a little black sock puppet. And by the way, if you’re a woman and you would even consider turning down President Obama, what kind of un-American terrorist are you?2 years into that man’s presidency, his hair was grayer then my grandfather’s testicular cancer-ed nut sack.
80.  Child Molestation…or as I like to call it, my favorite meal of the day.
81.  I think that a tough and authoritarian parenting style is the only way to raise a child. Which is why, I spank my children. And because it’s the only thing that gets me hard.
82.  I think when I was young, I was a very adorable kid. I’m actually a little offended that nobody tried to fuck me.
83.  So, the other day, I’m sort of half listening to my friend tell this whole story about his Dad. And I’m tuned out, not really listening and then he starts talking about his dog. And now I’m hearing all this weird stuff, cause I still think he’s about his Dad. And he’s like, “and then I couldn’t get the leash off of his neck. Because I tide it too tight. I like it tight. I wouldn’t want him to be able to get away.” And in my head I’m thinking, what sick fucking 50 Shades of Grey shit does this guy got going on with his Dad? And of course, as he continues his story, it gets weirder and weirder. “And he wouldn’t let me take the tennis ball out of his mouth. He loves playing with his balls. He’s very over protective of them. “Of course, some time afterwards I got it all sorted out, and I realized he was talking about his Dad. But just to be safe, I don’t hang out with him anymore.
84.  Oh so what, now all of the sudden I’m the monster just because I masturbate to videos of puppies being euthanized?
85.  Hating Jews is so unpopular these days. Does is make me a hipster if I become a Nazi? Oh my god, I’m gunna be the first nipster ever! Or hazi, whatever you prefer.
86.  REPUBLICAN NATIONAL DEBATE: CORRESPONDENT: Mr. Marco Rubio, your pro-choice in cases of rape and incest. This sounds dangerously liberal, how do you respond? MARK RUBIO: Nooooo! I love rape babies, please don’t kick me off this panel!!!
87.  REPUBLICAN NATIONAL DEBATE: Borrowing money from China and giving it to Israel. Gosh, he said sarcastically, I wonder why were in 7 trillion dollars of fucking debt. You know in this situation, I feel like china is our Mom, and Israel is our super expensive girlfriend. ISRAEL: (gesture Israel grabbing America buy the balls) “Who the hell is Palestine? Huh? I see this bitch has been texting you pictures of her nuclear ballistic missiles [or burka] all day. And I see Iran has been blowing up your phone? You fucking hoe, you been giving out nuclear deals, like a fucking hussy. I hope you wore a condom when you fucked her. Oh, no? you took off your economic sanctions. You just went balls deep didn’t you?
88.  REPUBLICAN NATIONAL DEBATE: if I take a shot every time these candidates say Ronald Reagan, I’m going to fucking hammered.
89.  REPUBLICAN NATIONAL DEBATE: I bet you these candidates can’t say Ronald Reagan without getting a semi.
90.  You know how people say stereotypes like black guys are great athletes, they’re great dancer and they have big dicks. Well those are still stereotypes. Even if they are compliments. Like when someone says to me that because I’m a republican I must be racist, homophobic and sexist. Well just because those stereotypes are compliments doesn’t mean they’re not stereotypes.
91.  I’ve started my own charity group. It’s a BDSM non-profit. Just go to Toys for tits .org and please support the cause.
92.  I’m a big fan of the pro-LGBT npr radio show, words for wiener, which is coincidentally was also the name of Michael Jackson’s charity group.
93.  It’s crazy that every make a wish foundation kid that Michael Jackson helped wished to get laid by the king of pop. It fucking figures. Sex is always on the brain for these fucking cancer kids.
94.  It was so amazing that Michael Jackson spent so much of his time with make a wish foundation kids. Because as they say, dead men tell no tales.
95.  When I was in Israel, I went up to a soldier and was like…” My Kike.” Because that’s like a thing I’m trying to start. I want kike to be the new nigga. Think about it. Your talking to your fellow Jews at the bank…your all like…” Hey hey hey whazz up my kike, you sell any more of dem ignorant lower middle class families homes with high interest mortgages rates?” yah, yah, yah, that’s my kike right there, son.
96.  You ever find yourself sitting around watching one of your favorite sitcoms when one of these sad commercials comes on. You know the ones where they want you to gib money to kids in third world countries. You know the ones I’m talking about, where they get all of Angelina Jo Lee’s kids to look all sad and starve as ominous violin music plays in the background. “for just 5 dollars a day you can help Moomba buy a fly swatter to keep the gnats away from his dying frail face.” If only there was a CVS in Moomba’s village. Dude that just made me think, I bet it would be so easy for a corporation to go in there and take over. Like too legit conquer at and put the imperial McDonalds flag in the heart of Zimbabwe.
97.  Is it wrong to bring up MJ’s pedophilia how that he’s gone? I mean, when we die, to all of our sins really get absolved. You think Saint Peter is really at the Pearl Gates like, “I don’t know Michael, you did make Macaulay Culkin butt head bleed for a week, and he had cotton mouth like you couldn’t believe.”
98.  You know I’m a Republican…but I’m not going for Trump or another Bush this time around, I’m actually voting for Mark Rubio, Cuban Senator from Florida. I’ve always thought that we needed same Latin flare in the white house. What, you don’t think Obama ever just sits in the oval office with his feet on the desk and his head resting against his arms like, you know what this rule needs…a piñata. Oh my God, it seems so obvious now, when Vladimir Putin came to visit he said he loved beating small animals. He would have loved a piñata. Wait, here’s my Trump impression…we are 14 trillion dollars in debt, we got troops in the Middle East but you know we got war in the middle east, but you know what’s really ruining this country…. Mexicans. taking all the jobs no one else wants, how dare they! How fucking dare, they wait outside Home Depot for 15 hours to feed their little brown babies. Crowding around my pick-up truck like a bunch of walking dead zombies, I’m like Dad, you have to shoot em in the head, and my Dad’s like, theme Mexicans not zombies Robert. One of them is hungry all the time, the other one is just hungry, most of the time. You know I work at a callcenter where I fundraise for a number of different organizations. And then I actually wen.t and now I’m all like, “GIVE ME YOUR FUCKING MONEY” and the donors are like, “WHO IS THIS.” ……” IT’S THE ASPCA, MOTHERFUCKER. AND IF YOU GIVE JUST $10 A MONTH.” ….” YOU CAN SAVE THE LIFE OF THIS PUPPY.” ….” WHAT PUPPY?” (holding a gun to a puppy’s head) ……” MA’AM, I HAVE A GUN TO LITTLE FUCKING PUPPIES HEAD.” ……”AND FOR A $10 AUTOMATIC MONTHLY GIFT ON A VISA OR MASTERCARD YOU CAN SAVE LITTLE BIGSY’S LIFE.” ……. “OR ELSE, IM GUNNA HAVE TO ADD LITTLE BIGSY HERE TO THE REST OF THE PUPPY BODIES.” ……. “HOW MANY PUPPY BODIES ARE THERE?” ……. “OH THERE’S A LOT MA’AM. IT TURNS OUT STASTICALLY MOST AMERICANS OVER THE AGE OF 65 STILL PAY ALL THEIR BILLS BY CHECK. SO LET ME ASK YOU MA’AM, ARE WE GUNNA PUT HIS TRANSACTION ON A BANK CARD, OR IS LITTLE BIGSY HERE GUNNA LEAD? (Bite the Bullet) Anyways, so…today was my 1st and last day working there. [or alternative ending] anyways, say yah, that’s what I do for a living.
99.  You know those girls who are always who really wanna show case their talent but they want someone else to be the one to announce it. Like, they’ll be dropping subtle hints to their friend when they’re in a little social circle, “Like Debbie, remember that time I did that stupid karaoke rendition of Firework by Katy Perry. Gosh so stupid.” …… “Oh my God, Silvia you have to do it, you like, have to. Oh my God.”
100.                      My girlfriend and I were arguing about who was more attractive. You see, she’s Latin enough to get a little affirmative action thrown her way when she’s filling out her college apps, what she’s also still whose enough that she can ask for a she or me police officer’s help when in need of differences. And she was winning this argument, as usual, and I said to her, I have 10 female friends in my phone that would have sex with me. And she said, fat girls don’t count. And I started laughing, because she’s right, fat girls will suck a wiener off a corn dog stick if their feeling horny. And I don’t know about you gentlemen, but the fat girls that I’ve ran into over the years are very horny. I have a Mexican girlfriend. She only cost me 15 pesos. But you know she doesn’t look Mexican. She looks white. Which is an added bonus. All the affirmative action college benefits of a Latin girl, but all the friendly police officer smiles of a white girl. Is it just me or do fat girls have a raging sex drive. I wasn’t aware that McDonalds was an aphrodisiac. My girlfriend is one expensive hoe. CROWD WORK: “Ma’am have you ever rewarded your husband with sex after he took you to a nice dinner or got you a nice birthday or Christmas present…. ma’am your husband is your pimp…
101.                      All I’m saying is, hell yeah, I’m a fucking feminist. I’m all for equal pay because I’m tired of getting out my God damn credit card. She may make 70cent on every dollar that I make but it’s not like that 30 cent doesn’t go to her anyway. When I’m alone I eat off of the dollar menu at McDonalds. I live on 7/11 hot dogs. It was only until I met this current girl, I discovered the unforeseen creative manners in which one might spend a paycheck. New sweatshirt from H&M. I was like, but babe, goodwill is having a 50% off sale.
102.                      A female friend of mine tried to explain dating in a few single simple words. She said it’s like being trapped in a sea of cum. That sounds like a place you would visit at Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Like, come in to the sea of cum, feel free to grab yourself a glass, but remember even if you don’t like it, remember to swallow, not spit. And all the mothers won’t let their teenage daughters near it, and teenage girl is like: “But mom Wonka told me it’s really good for my skin.”
103.                      Guys, when it comes to Bill Clinton, who can blame a man for cheating when you have Hillary Clinton for a wife. I mean, even in her prime she was fugly. Now she just looks like Cruella De Vil. So it’s like what was Bill thinking.
104.                      So once I was trying to become Rebecca Black’s manager and she asked me what I bring to the table and I said that I could organize nap time at her concerts. She didn’t like that joke very much. It makes her cry more than one mean YouTube comment (imitate typing hands) “I think Rebecca Black should go die in a hole.” Oh here comes the water works. Cruel cruel world. I become world famous and this is what I get. Mean YouTube comments. The world is so evil. I don’t think I can make it one more on this earth.
105.                      So were all familiar with how the animal kingdom works right? Predator eats pray.  You know, lion eats, eats zebra, cat eats mouse. Fox eats rabbit. Do you guys know what a fox’s favorite type of rabbit is? The slowest one.
106.                      A friend of mine was really surprised when I told him that I do my own laundry and I was like, dude of course I do my own laundry, can’t you tell? I’ve been wearing this shirt for like 3 days.
107.                      So I have this gay friend and he always asks me how I could possibly like vagina. But how could he understand. I mean he’s not into that kinda stuff and he’s always calling me things like carpet muncher, yah, so I call him jungle bunny.
108.                      I firmly believe that women are attracted to powerful men. And someone like president Obama for example could have any women he wants. If you don’t think that Obama fucked Beyoncé at his inauguration after-party. Because ladies, if you meet a guy at a party and you ask him what does for a living and says “I’m the leader of the of the free world.” If that doesn’t get you wet, I don’t know what will. You know I would actually be surprised if Obama didn’t fuck, Beyoncé at his inauguration after-party. Come on, someone’s gotta punish that pop star’s mouth for lip singing star spangled banner to the nation. And I think the only little man up to the tank, is a presidential penis.
109.                      What’s the similarity between dogs and gay men? Neither of them like pussy. You know, my father is actually allergic to cats, so there’s a good change he might be gay.
110.                      If Donald Trump wins the Republican Nomination, I think I’m going to vote for him. If only for the fact that I want American Foreign Policy to be run like Celebrity Apprentice. Imagine President Trump (yah, deal with the sound of that, president trump! It might be a thing soon!) has Bashar Assad on the phone. “Mr. Assad, you’re fired.”
111.                      I think a man’s virginity and a women’s virginity are two very different things. A man’s virginity is like a stray dog…like please will somebody take this from me. A woman’s virginity is like…a book you lent to someone. Like, can I please have that back…it’s been like 2 years and I’m really regretting letting you have that. [Transition] You know, I think sex addiction, as a disease, is only for ugly people because if your really attractive, and you’re having sex all the time, no one’s gunna think that’s out of the ordinary. Perfectly symmetrical cheek bones. Nice glutes. Smooth skin. Kinda resembles a young Johnny Depp. Now there’s a man that deserves to get laid. He doesn’t have a disease, just the love of a plethora of women. Which brings me to my next point. I think God hates ugly people. God truly hates ugly people. Now, you can say a joke like that because who out there is going to come to you afterwards and be like, excuse me I’m extremely ugly and that joke you made about my people was really offensive. We the ugly community are a very proud and loving community, so please show us the same respect. You know as a really attractive man, I’m afraid of going to prison. I mean, look at me, I’m like a banana fudge sundae in the penitentiary. They would tear this ass up in prison. And I’m not a fighter so even though I’m tall it’s not gunna help. It’s gunna be more for my cellmate to love or shower buddy. Or laundry folding friend. Whoever gets to taste these those tender boney chicken thighs first. But if its gunna happen I’m gunna want him to romance me a bit. I mean, I deserve some dignity like he should sneak me some cigarettes a wine cooler or even just sharpen me a nice shank out of a toothbrush, I’m not that picky.
112.                      I was recently on a cruise to Mexico and we stopped off in Ensenada. And you know the prostitutes there and have…uh…they’ve been with a lot of guys. So when they tell you, you’re the best they’ve ever had…it’s quite a compliment.
113.                      You know, it’s interesting where a lot of people stand on the Abortion Debate. I myself am Pro-Life. Even in cases of rape. Because I think that every child should have a fun story about their parents met.
114.                       Okay…okay…what other controversial things can I say to upset you guys. Feminism. Feminism is interesting. But modern -day Feminism is a lot different than the feminist movements of the 1970s and the 1920s. modern-day feminists complain about how men are oppressing women by denying them equality. While at the same time complaining about how chivalry is dead. I remember I went on a date with Jung-ho, militant feminist, whole time couldn’t derail her from the political conversation. Then the check came. Quietist I’d ever seen her.
115.                      Do you know what kind of shit I can do as president? I can invade any country any time I feel like it. Let’s say, I don’t like the way Italy is shaped like a boot. FUCK ITALY, GUYS, FUCK ITALY.  Fuck those Guido’s in their little grimy pasta filled assholes. And if you didn’t know that Italian guy’s assholes are filled with pasta, then you obviously were not inviting to Chris Christy’s anal sex party last month. It was off the hook guys. Ryan Seacrest was there. Tom Cruise was there. Tom even agreed to shoot a little porno with us, we called it…A FEW HARD MEN.
116.                      When monkeys first discovered they had opposable thumbs, it was an amazing discovery. I mean, let me find an equal comparison. Do you remember when you found out that you break up with someone by just refusing to answer any of their text messages? It was like. They got the message. Awkward conversation avoided! Yah! Yah! Yah! Let me tell you…when monkeys first discovered they had opposable thumbs a lot of great things came about. It was like… (monkey impression) …Monkey Voice: DUDE! 4 FINGERS LAME. 5 FINGERS COOL. Monkeys also learned how to speak American English around this time. But most of all opposable thumbs came with a lot of monkeys learning how to masturbate. It was, an ejaculative time in the history of Ape Civilization. These monkeys spilled more seed then a botanist with Parkinson’s. I don’t even know if there is a stage three Parkinson’s but just imagine a boat load of monkey cum seeping through the pours of the jungle. Just imagine if Ron Jeremy was starring in a King Kong film. That’s kinda what we’re dealing with here.
117.                      You know, that moment, when something suddenly is about to go wrong and you don’t have enough time to warn someone. You try to say something like, “Hey watch out for that car.” But it comes out more line (mumbling). Yah, it’s silly, I had something like that happen to me last week, and the words just sort of stumbled out, and I got all tongue tied. “Hey watch out for the car (mumbling) and well. Unfortunately, the guys dead now. Don’t worry he had all of his proper identification in his wallet, so we were able to contact his family. And fortunately enough, I was able to get a bagel at the Starbucks down the street with walk down the street and get a bagel at the Starbucks with the money from his wallet. And you know…I think is what’s he would have wanted. You know, when, you’re walking the street and your about to head on collision with another pedestrian, so you both try to move out of each other’s way, and instead you two keep accidently trying to go the same way. And it becomes like a little dance. There’s a certain point, amongst the confusion where it just feels like a bouncer at the club, and I’m just like…nope, nope, nope…but I don’t know, that joke doesn’t even make sense, I could never be a bouncer. I’m not a big fat black guy. You ever see someone you know in your neighborhood or out in the city, and you think you’re really excited to see them and then you quickly realize that the two od you have nothing to talk about. Yah, so the next that happens, instead of being all like…” What’s new with you?” …” How are the kids?” (whiney voice) Just say something that’s deep man. Something that’s gunna get them to open up. So that the two of you can have a real moment. Everyone always has something they wanna get off their chest so just be all like…” Hey I’m sorry to hear about what happened.” (put a hand on their student) And listen if there’s no readily available shoulder, just put your hand on their genital region because there’s always a chance that that’s the thing they wanna talk about. What I there transitioning, and by you grabbing that man’s new vagina, he’s gunna be more confident the next time he tries to pass to pass himself off as a woman so that he could fuck a straight guy. If your fat…and you have a cute face…then you’re okay. But if your ugly. And your fat. Then your shit out of luck. Then I don’t know what to tell you. You’re never getting laid. And as hard as it is for me to say…this only applies to men. Because if you’re a woman, you can have any guy you want. Ladies don’t play the game the way men do. Ladies you could be a complete disaster up here (hover hand around the face) and down here (hover hand around the crotch) and the Bradley Coopers of the world will still fuck you. Think of all the adorable little terms we give women to make them feel better about themselves, muffin top…love handles…with a guy it’s just like…oh yah that guy’s fat. No question about it, that guy is definitely pushing 350. And when he walks, he sounds like a trumpet because his ass cheeks are sliding together. So it like he’s farting to wherever he needs to go. Like the wind propellant of the gas propelling him forward. Oh, you see those bat wings hanging off the side of his waist, yah I think that’s called that. Have you guys ever seen that movie with Ryan Reynolds…called JUST FRIENDS? Ryan and Jessica are best friends, and Ryan has always wanted to fuck Jessica. He starts out fat in the beginning. And he thinks he can’t fuck her because he’s fat in the beginning on the movie. So he loses a lot of weight and comes back into her life. But it turns out, she totally would have fucked him the whole time. So what I’m trying to say is…gentlemen…if you’re thinking about losing a bunch of weight on behalf of a girl, just try to fuck her at least once while your fat…because otherwise, what? You just greatly improved your health and dietary balance…for what…for some pussy? Don’t go trying to impress a girl by adding 10 years onto your life. It’s not fucking worth it. Stick those chocolate ding dongs in your mouth, until she lets you stick your ding-dong in her mouth.
118.                      You know I recently got into an accident with an Asian driver. But I was totally able to convince her that it was her fault.
119.                      Listen…if it wasn’t so hard to break into Hollywood, Hitler would have a successful artist and 80 million people would still be alive. At least that’s what I tell my literary agent every day. Listen I’m not saying I’m Hitler, but if I don’t make it in this industry, I might have to kill a few Jews just to blow off some steam.
120.                      How many men does it take to ignore pedophilia the catholic church? One Hitler Youth with a billion followers.
121.                      What do Catholics and the Hitler Youth have in common? They both love pedophilia.
122.                      So I was thinking about asking out this cute German girl from my Economics class and I was trying to work out some opening lines that I could use on her. You know little cute things like, “I hope you have members you died at Dresden.” …or…” I’m not sorry about Dresden.” …. or even…” I masturbate to pictures of Dresden every morning.”
123.                      So you know how people are always saying, “I don’t mean to be racist but…and then they say something super doper racist.” Well I just want you to know I experienced this earlier today with my girlfriend, she says, “I don’t mean to be sound anti-Semitic and insinuate that your cheap but do we have to use the same condom every time we have sex? And I’m like…it’s not cheap, it’s called be fiscally responsible. You think that pinball machine I just installed in my man cave was cheap? I’m like babe, we’re on a budget here. And I know that’s hard for your little lady brain to understand but leave the big grown up decisions to the people with the big strong penises. And I said, listen girlfriend that I just made up for the purposes of this joke, you don’t get to talk to me like that.
124.                      Okay, so tell if this confuses anybody else. If midgets work as elf’s during Christmas, what do they do for the other 11 months out of the year? Obviously they have to have real jobs, right? You imagine they work as lawyers, doctors, teachers. So then, why would they work as an elf for a month out of the year? That sounds super degrading. What If you had teacher that was a midget and then you saw him working at the Westfield Mall beside Santa Claus, your like…Mr. miller? Wha…? Why? You’re a part of the teacher’s union. You have a pension. You have 2 kids and wife how could you degrade useful like this?
125.                      A friend of mine just told me the other day that she thinks that incest is natural. I guess home is where the heart is.
126.                      There is no greater pleasure in this world, then to feel the sensation of fucking an old woman.
127.                      Women think men just want a woman who will fuck him whenever he feels like it…but that’s not true. We also want you to us a sandwich afterwards.
128.                      I’m just saying that statistically the French all little bitches. Just look at WW2. France has more pussies than a Petco.
129.                       I guess what I’ve learned is that if you slap on a vagina and a pair of tits and you’ve summed up the entire female experience.
130.                      If I was in an assassin priest film, I’d be all like. *Nerd Voice* “Excuse some of us are trying to pray here. Can you keep the murdering to a minimum?”
131.                      That awkward moment when you realize your mother stole your condoms from your Mom because she has a more active sex life then you do.
132.                      I once was dated this girl who said…” I think a boob job would be a really good idea.” And I was like…” but babe I thought you liked my tits the way they were.”
133.                      A friend of mine thought I didn’t know any mainstream music because I refuse to listen to the radio.
134.                       What’s a Flo Rida? Is that one of those new Segway machines.
135.                       JOHN WICK. Every dog’s death deserves a genocide.
136.                       JOHN WICK. This movie was written by PETA.
137.                       I got rid of my husband, because my cat was allergic to him.
138.                      If my if doesn’t like the Star Wars movies, can I give him up for adoption.
139.                       Hey! Listen, I don’t need racist humor to be funny, I also have a lot of really great poop jokes.
140.                       Oh yah dude her powdered milk tastes delicious in my morning cereal.
141.                       You don’t need to go see Jurassic World, I have a dinosaur right here, in my pants.
142.                      You’re not first woman to call me little willy.
143.                      “Get Out of your Mind.” I think this is a song for children who have had lobotomies.
144.                      You know, as any young performer hopes I wanna imagine what it would be like if I ever made it big.
145.                       You know someday I wanna get my own show, so that I can say all the stupid and funny things I wanna say on TV.
146.                       So I don’t know whether I wanna be a successful comedian or the next Donald trump. Listen. Listen. Both avenues will give me the ability to say stupid and funny things on television. But in one scenario I’m Seinfeld, with a sitcom that goes for 9 seasons, in the other scenario…I’m the leader of the free [fucking] world.
147.                      My father used to beat me…at every game of monopoly we ever played.
148.                       I have a friend who really doesn’t like being touched. Every time I even try to put a hand on his shoulder, he deflects it, like this. (show Kung Fu) I’m like, who raped you at karate camp.
149.                      Have any of you ever thought about the fact that maybe God’s not listening to your prayers? You’ve never thought, maybe God doesn’t have time to listen to your evening voicemails. Giving aids to babies in Africa is a full time job for everyone…God doesn’t have time to help you get through your divorce.
150.                      For a long time, I followed the Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman case. And I know that night Trayvon, allegedly attacked Zimmerman. And just like a teenage boy with a serious case of premature ejaculation, he shot off a load.
151.                      You know the 60s were also a pivotal time for blacks. And just like any good German porn star who likes a big finish, we took a shit in their mouths.
152.                      You know there are eleven atrocities being committed in this country today. At Guantanamo Bay, we hold POWS from Afghanistan indefinitely and without a trial. And just like a Chinese girl who can’t carry on the family name, we stick their heads under water.
153.                      From what I’ve been told, Muslim people pray 5 times a day. and just like a fat ugly penis’d gay man at a Turkish bathhouse, the praying Muslims put a towel over their head.
154.                      Like, a good Jewish porn would be like: “you wanna me to file that tax return? Oh yah I’m gunna ask for father before we agree to a lifelong consenting relationship.” ……” your latka is the tastiest.”
155.                      I always notice in the pornos with the black gentlemen (ridiculous British accent) the gentlemen the black of skin. That they always make it about the booty. Like, is that even a real thing? Like is the black baby’s father is like (cradling child) “hush little baby don’t you cry. Mama’s got a big booty. That’s no lie. And when bankers come to take our away, Mama. And when the bank comes to with bills to pay. Mama’s gunna shake that booty on stage.” Hush Little Baby Lyrics
156.                      The relationship between America and African-Americans can only be described as a marriage ravaged by domestic violence. Sure the African Americans came to this country in shackles ready to make America a sandwich. But years of cooking, cleaning and doing America’s laundry all came to an end when Lincoln came around. Oh sure, they could have gone to stay at Auntie Africa’s house, but she can’t help but love America. Turkey on rye extra mayonnaise with the crust cut off. Oh you sweet Africa Americans, you always seem to know exactly how daddy likes it.
157.                      Me and the ginger bread man don’t really get along. It’s really a feud that goes way back. I slept with his wife and he never really forgave me.
158.                      What’s the similarity between polar bears and Jews? They’re both persecuted minorities.
159.                      Mexicans are like lions. The majority of them are violent and should be put down.
160.                      Aids and Mel Gibson have so much in common. Nobody wants them around / it really sucks when they show up at your Hollywood orgy party.
161.                      I wanna do a one man show but I’m afraid someone else is going to show up.
162.                      Have you guys seen the shit they put in fertilizer?
163.                      College…it’s the only place in the world where your expected to get through and get off at the same time.
164.                      So I’ve always had a problem with smoking in front of little children…but my psychiatrist and I worked through it and how I do it all the time.
165.                      My phones taken so many beatings and bruises, I might as well nickname it Rihanna.
166.                      I was one of 9 kids growing up…to get molested in my neighborhood.
167.                      What do you say to a young pregnant Mexican girl? Happy Quinceanera
168.                      It’s interesting how people of every different profession have so much in common with one another. When I asked astronomers which was the smallest of the gas giant planets? And I asked a drug dealer where he hides his drugs? They both said Uranus.
169.                      So I was in a Jewish deli the other day and I thought I saw some of Pinocchio’s family members working the front desk.
170.                      So I was feeling really anti-Semitic the other day and in a fit of rage I fired my lawyer, my accountant and doctor.
171.                      How do separate Greek men from boys? With a crow bar.
172.                      Are you guys familiar with the term pigs in a blanket? Or as I like to call it, walking in on your parents having sex.
173.                       Joseph married a woman who was 14 years old. And he assured Mary, I’m not going to rape you. That’s what God is here for.

Roast of Simon Fields
1.      What things can I say about the man of the hour. That haven’t already been said. Oh he’s smart, he’s funny, he’s handsome. He’s politically minded. He’s very tall and proud of his Jewish heritage. But enough about me, today is Aunt Simon.
2.      As I said I’m a tall guy. And Simon’s a tall guy. And he’s always bumping his head. And it explains the liberalism. I mean the brain damage.
3.      But no matter how tall Simon is I still thick I got a couple inches on him. And I think I might be taller.
4.      Oh my god Simon I don’t think I’ve seen you laugh this hard since you got a load at yourself in the mirror this morning.
5.      Last Saturday Simon took a shit on Michael Moore’s doorstop, not because he doesn’t like Michael Moore’s movies, he just thought he could use some inspirational for his film.
6.      I know that Simon has been working out recently. And when I say work out I mean he hasn’t been able to find the television remote. So he’s been forced to go change it manually.
7.      Anyway, over the years I’ve known Simon he’s put on a few pounds.
8.      Not to say Simon’s fair or anything but he was a little disappointed when The Hunger Games turned out to just be a movie about teenagers killing each other.
9.      Ah, the beauty of watching a bunch of kids just constantly being at each other’s threats. They should call that movie, High School.
10.  I’m not saying Simon’s far but the documentary about Simon Fields life is called The Hunger Games. And let me tell you it’s going to be a uphill battle as long as ding-dongs stay in business.
11.  Simon, like myself, is a political kind of guy. He has many heroes who he looks up to. Barrack Obama, John F. Kennedy, Karl Marx.
12.  I’m not saying Simon’s a communist. But if you ask him personally he would say what’s yours is the states. And what mine is the states.”

The Roast of Women
1.      Why do women have boobs? So you have something to look at while you’re talking to them.
2.      What do you say to a woman with no teeth? You should listen to him next time.
3.      What do you say to a woman with two bruised eyes? You don’t tell her anything, she’s already been told twice.
4.      Why do women make such good Lumberjacks? They always know how to deal with morning wood.
5.      What do women and dogs have in common? You always have to remember to reward them with a treat when they do something right.
6.      What’s black and blue and red all over? A victim of domestic violence.
7.      What does the crazy cat lady have in common with feminists? They both have harry pussies.
8.      What woman and corporate stock have in common? They bounce up and down if you give it a little money.
9.      How many diamonds does it take to make your wife happy? None. The diamonds are for the chick your banging on the side.
10.  Do you want to know why the Chinese are so much smarter than us? If they have a daughter, they drown her.
11.  Why did men choose dogs to be their best friend instead of women? Because you can train a dog to shut the fuck up.
12.  Why do fat women have to be so jolly? How else are they going to get laid?
13.  Why are gay guys smarter than straight guys? They realized sausage is a lot tastier then fish.
14.  Why do married men and cancer patients have in common? They both have something in their life that’s slowly killing them.
15.  Why are Asian women the best? Their quiet, because they know men hate it when women speak.

Famous Movie Lines
1.      “Doc, you built a time machine, out of a DeLorean?” --- Back to the Future
2.      “Someday I may call upon you to do a favor.” --- The Godfather
3.      “You were the chosen one. You were supposed to bring balance to the force not leave it in darkness.” --- Springtime for Hitler
4.      “Were gunna need a bigger boat.” --- Amistad
5.      “That’s a…that’s a dinosaur.” --- Magic Mike
6.      “Frankly my dear, I don’t really give a damn.” --- The Diary of Anne Frank
7.      “I’ll be back.” --- Passion of the Christ
8.      “I don’t know how to quit you.” --- Trainspotting
9.      “Click your heels together three times, and you can go home.” --- Hedwig & the Angry Inch / Brokeback Mountain
10.  “Oh my God. That’s the sword of Excalibur.” --- Magic Mike
11.  “To be…or not to be.” --- Philadelphia
12.  “It was beauty that killed the beast.” --- Super Size Me
13.  “Hey dude, where’s my car?” --- Grease

Roast of George Lucas
1.      George at least Star Trek’s shoot-outs made sense. George you all the least credible action film maker in Hollywood. George if Greedo shot first then Hillary Clinton is a marine sniper.
2.      George your oldest character is a midget with leprosy. George, Yoda looks like Kermit the frog on crystal meth.
3.      Hey George I have a very serious question. Did the Indiana Jones Franchise scream before you raped it?
4.      So in 2001 George Lucas was having stomach problems and he was stuck on the toilet until he let out the biggest dump he had ever taken. He called this piece of shit, The Phantom Menace.

Roast of Israel Galvez
1.      So Israel told me he plays a lot of video games, which tells me that he doesn’t get laid a lot. Well that he doesn’t get laid a lot. Well that’s not accurate, I shouldn’t say “not a lot”, what I meant to say was never. I bet this little bitch won’t ever be able to handle all my jokes.
2.      Israel is so fragile, when people t-bag him in Halo the testicle slaps leave bruises on his face.
3.      Israel is so fragile om Cruise actually split his asshole in two whether were having cowboy butt sex behind the Arbys dumpster at 3 in the morning.
4.      Israel, honestly, I hate Mexicans because they give me wedgies on the playground and sexually molest my pooper hole with their big hard piñatas and when they’re piñata broke they’d sprinkle candy all over my face. It was awesome…I mean awful.

Comedy Roast Jokes
1.      What’s the similarity between witches and blacks? I don’t like inviting either of them over to my house.
2.      And Zack, stop trying to turn me gay with all your muscle man pics. Okay. I want to go into politics someday. If you turn me gay, my political career is over. So stop being so sexy, you fucking inconsiderate piece of shit.
3.      Emmanuel, since taking up the Macklemore look has become quite the gangsta. Last time we met up for cowboy butt sex I nicknamed his penis the cholo chode.
4.      You know what Trayvon and Rey’s appendix have in common? I’m glad they’re both gone.
5.      So there’s this new tradition, its God awful terrible. People have started dressing up like pedophile for Halloween. You know for the attention and the infamy. So Emmanuel ended up dressing up as Sandusky and Sandusky dressed up as Emmanuel. Emmanuel’s a catholic so the whole time he was watching the 6th sense, he was just sitting there wondering when Bruce Willis was gunna just stick it in that little boy. But then it all made sense if the end when Bruce Willis turned out to be dead the hole time. Because Emmanuel’s not really into necrophilia. But that’s not true because I’ve been to McDonalds with Emmanuel and the places he put those chicken nuggets should define the be considered a form of necrophilia.
6.      And Sahak, what are you gunna be for Halloween? A Wookie I’m not saying Armenians are harry but not even Oprah Winfrey’s vagina has to deal with that much hair.
7.      Now more jokes about Emmanuel being a pedophile. What’s the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead baby bones? Emmanuel doesn’t have a Ferrari in his garage.
8.      What do Emmanuel and swine flu have in common? They both kill innocent children.
9.      What’s the difference between a delicious pepperoni pizza and the little 8-year-old sally? Emmanuel doesn’t have any desire to fuck a pepperoni pizza.
10.  What do Angelina Jo Lee, Madonna and Katie Holmes have in common? Every month each of them send 15cent to Zack’s village so that he can have running water.
11.  Emmanuel they ought to call you a German Porn Star’s mouth cause you full of shit.
12.  Emmanuel you’re like a bowling ball cause you get fucked and thrown in the gutter 20 times a night. But I’m not trying to insinuate that Emmanuel’s a gay prostitute or something. Though many of his friends have come to that conclusion. I’m just saying Emmanuel’s taken more sausages in the mouth then Chris Christy.
13.  And you could use a tan you look like just escaped ground zero.
14.  Emmanuel tells people around school that jizz moistures your skin. But like all great scientists, Emmanuel had to test the product on himself first.
15.  So have people missed since I left grant, answer one that Emmanuel? Oh what am I saying, of course they do. They outta call me black daddy, cause I’m never around anymore.
16.  When an ugly little bitch. But let’s stop talking about Emmanuel’s baby pictures.
17.  Jeeze, I’m getting too old for these roasts. Guys I think I’m so old I’m going to have to take a nap every time I rub one out…. but thank god Emmanuel mom’s bed is so comfortable.
18.  Emmanuel I’m sorry I keep brining black people up. I know there your least favorite animal.
19.  So Emmanuel I know you’re a catholic. And I think if you were alive during the time of Holy Rome you’d be a chariot. Cause men are riding you all day.
20.  But you know what I shouldn’t make jokes about Emmanuel’s manhood and what not. I mean, I’ll admit it. My penis is the size of a tic tac. But thankfully your mom likes the taste of hard candy.
21.  I never thought that I would have a talent for comedy. But then I met your face.
22.  I could never wrap my head around the idea that Emmanuel was a pedophile. But I guess now it all makes sense why you kept insisting that there was a buffet at chucky cheeses.
23.  I’m not saying Mykie’s dumb. But gay Mykie here has been running from double d’s all his life.
24.  Zack, you fuckin nigga, you had to go and get himself looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Now what the fuck am I gunna do with all these fat jokes that I wrote? Why’d you have to go and get yourself all looking pretty Zack. Well, I guess that’s what happens when they stop making Twinkies.
25.  Going to school every day with Zack was like going to SeaWorld to see Shamu.
26.  When Mykie has sex with people, there always giving him these weird requests like kiss my neck more or bring a friend, or don’t take the bag off your head. Or put a second bag over your head. Or please stop taking the bag off your head.
27.  Simon fields, I’m not here to hurt your feelings. That’s what the mirror’s for.
28.  I’m not saying Simon’s an ugly guy. I wouldn’t go and compare him to some disgusting creature like Jabba the Hutt. That would be an insult to Jabba the Hutt.
29.  And I’m not immune to the feeling of many right wingers here in Los Angeles. And that’s right, you guessed it, it is a feeling of miserable heart reckoning loneliness. But enough about Simon’s social life. People, people please. I’m not saying that Simon doesn’t have any friends. (that would be mean) but if you try looking for Simon’s friends it may end up like that time we all tried to look for Simon’s athletic abilities.
30.  Simon on the basketball court is like watching the congress and Obama agree on something. 

“Nazis Deserve Respect” Episode 1 - Comedy Sketch
MAN#1: I may have allied with the Japanese so that they would do my math homework.
MAN#2: And I may have allied with the Italians so that they’d make me pasta.
*Holding a Nazi salute and a Hitler moustache.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
MAN#1: I may have thought Uber was a train station.
MAN#2:
*Holding a Nazi salute and a Hitler moustache.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
MAN#1: I may have golden statue of Hitler’s head sitting above my toilet.
MAN#2: And I masturbated to pictures of Eva Braun and the Fuhrer making love.
*Holding a Nazi salute and a Hitler moustache.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
End of Scene

“Nazis Deserve Respect” Episode 2 - Comedy Sketch
MAN#1: I may have killed 6 million Jews.
MAN#2: And I may have killed a million gypsies.
*Holding a Nazi salute and a Hitler moustache.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
MAN#1: I may have killed 300,000 British civilians.
MAN#2: And I may have killed 2 million Russian civilians.
*Holding a Nazi salute and a Hitler moustache.
MAN#1: I may have read Mein Kampf 4 times. 
MAN#2: And I may have masturbated to Mein Kampf 4 times.
*Holding a Nazi salute and a Hitler moustache.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
End of Scene

Roast of Jack Pretti
1.      Jack has spilled more seed then an elderly bird watcher with Parkinson’s.
2.      Jack masturbates so often he’s the spokesman for Kleenex tissues.
3.      Jack is so lonely he’s degraded himself to the point where he has to befriend people like me. [*start to cry*] People like me.
4.      Jack is so lonely he’s almost put the razor blade companies out of business.
5.      Jack is so Brazilian his testicles feel like a freshly pumped volleyball.
6.      Jack is so Brazilian he refers to his XBOX Fifa games as his personal porn collection.
7.      Jack is so lonely he listens to Marilyn Manson when he sticks his Uncle’s gun in his mouth every night.

WHAT THE BOB? Episode 1 – Comedy Sketch
Robert: Okay, and were back for another episode of “What the Bob?”
Cole: And I’m your co-host, Cole Giannola.
Robert: God, you have such a sexy last name. I kinda wanna fuck your last name.
Episode 2
Cole: And were back for another episode of “Bob in the Mouth.”
Robert: Bob in the Mouth? That’s kind of a gay title for a show.
Cole: Oh well that’s perfect. Gay show. Gay host (points to me) Its perfect.
Robert: Hey, I’m not gay, okay? I love Jesus.
Episode 3
Robert: You know what, I ain’t! I don’t know what to call the show. Let’s just call it, “Politically Incorrect Cole!”
(walks away)
Cole: Okay so, wow this is awkward. Politically Incorrect Cole here…so…them blacks. Those guys are something.

GRANDMA SKETCH – COMEDY SKETCH
I heard grandmas have really big dicks.
I heard grandmas are really good dancers.
I heard if you see a grandma walking down the street late at night, you should cross the street.
I heard grandmas like to do anal.
I heard grandma’s steal.
I heard grandmas like big butts
I heard grandmas love watermelon.
Grandmas Lives Matter

COOL HISTORY TEACHER – COMEDY SKETCH
Test Question: “Who would you rather bang, Joan of Arc or Margaret Thatcher?
Test Question: “Did Joan of Arc have a tighter pussy because she was 16 or because she was French?” [ Please Examine the Diagram of Joan of Arc’s Vaginal Canals provided on Page 12 of your Textbooks]
Test Question: “……”
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COMEDY SKETCH
*On the Phone*
Hello?
Oh hey. What’s up?
Wow. Sounds like you had a pretty wild vacation.
Oh my God. Why didn’t you make him use protection?
No…I’m not driving you to the clinic.
I don’t even know how I feel about that.
Like morally and stuff.
No, it’s not a really good time for me right now.
I’m kinda in the middle of something.
Yah, it’s like a place where people go when they don’t have enough funny people in their own life. So they come and pay to see strangers make them laugh.
Okay…goodbye.
I love you too, Grandma.
Don’t you guys hate it when your grandma for a ride to the abortion clinic. God, so annoying, right?
Gosh. It’s just like that gosh. Awkward when you have to decide whether to give your Uncle an abortion or not.
THE END

Anchorman John and Anchorman Barbara - COMEDY SKETCH
“Okay hello folks with is your CNN anchorman Barbara, now with the recent updates in Syria we are seeing malnutrition, mass starvation and massive hunger strikes. And now back to you John…Thanks Barbara. Were here at Target as black Friday sales are going through the roof. I mean, we have people throwing elbows, stomping on toes and an epidemic of customer on customer shoving. I mean it’s an absolute nightmare out here. Okay back to you Barbara…Thanks John. I don’t know think situation is as intense as what you have going on there, but…in the past 3 weeks, 4.2 million children have been displaced from all out civil war in the capital of Dubai.

GAME OF THRONES – COMEDY SKETCH
Does anyone hear watch Game of Thrones?
Okay so for anyone who doesn’t have HBO, (poor people) just take a nap for the next 2 minutes.
Here’s the thing about Game of Thrones.
It’s not the audiences fault that there’s so much grotesque content, on the show.
Because that’s not why we watch it.
We watch it for the dragons!
Give me a little holler if you’re on Team Khaleesi!
Yah, all we want is dragons, and this is what the show does to you.
Were all like…we wanna dragons!
Rape!
Dragons!
Incest!
Dragons!
Brother Sister Incest Rape!
Dragons! (crying) [jumping up and down]
Listen there are so many great shows on television for African-Americans right now. Does anyone watch EMPIRE? Okay for any of who don’t know, it’s a show about an African-American family who own a record label called Empire Records. So it’s basically…you know what…fuck it…it’s like the black version of glee. Okay? So I’m not gay but Terence Howard is my fucking freebie. God, I would take that chocolate daddy as my cellmate any day. I don’t care if his character does have ALS in the show, fuck dude, I’ll straddle that wheelchair like I was banging Stephen Hawking.

FOX NEWS DESERVE RESPECT – COMEDY SKETCH
MAN#1: I may have peed on Trayvon’s grave.
MAN#2: And I may have been the one of the four cops who beat up Rodney King.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
MAN#1: I have read Milton Friedman, thinking it was 50 Shades of Grey!
MAN#2: I may have chewed up Ann Coulter’s pussy like I was a veteran asking for Medi-Care.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
MAN#1: I may have sucked Bill O’Reilly’s cock.
MAN#2: And I may go to church to Glenn Beck.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
MAN#1: I may have shot a baby polar bear in the face with Sarah Palin. 
MAN#2: And I may spit on poor people in my spare time.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
MAN#1: I may have voted for Bush twice.
MAN#2: And I may have masturbated to the Saddam Hussein execution video.
MAN#1&2: But we have feelings!
End of Scene
*Filing Papers Away. *
MAN#1: Hey are we still rolling?
MAN#2: No, the camera crew went home.
MAN#1: Last night, Johnson. I took a shit on Michael Moore’s doorstep.
MAN#2: Oh Willoughby, that’s nothing. This weekend, Limbaugh and I are gunna have threesome with Hillary Clinton’s corpse.
MAN#1: She’s not dead.
MAN#2: I know.
*Two men laugh maniacally*
MAN#1: Hail, Reagan.
MAN#2: Hail, Reagan.
ROAST OF FOX NEWS
-Fox News is so conservative it worried that the film Inglorious Bastards would desecrate the image of Hitler.
-Fox News is so conservative it wears 2 condoms when it has sex with the Pope.

“The Cockazoid Rap Song”
Imma Cockazoid.
Like my boy, Pink Floyd.
Imma Cockazoid.
Haters betta avoid.
Imma Cockazoid.
Like Sigmund Freud.
Imma Cockazoid.
Like a walkin steroid.
I got huge hard ego in my pants like a lance.
And for a few lil dollars you can get a lil dance.
I’ve abused more bitches then Michael Vick.
So come over here and suck my dick.
I enslave that pussy like I’m Emperor Ming.
Be careful with my underwear, chocolate, it’s a plus size king.
Be careful with my cock, it’s a plus size king.
I enslave that pussy I’m Emperor Ming.
I got more diseases then a petri dish.
So taste my penis, it’s just delish.
After you give me a Slurpee
Your welcome, here’s Herbies.
Merry Christmas, here’s Herbies.
I got a bed made for fire.
Imma stab you with my wooden knife.
I got pillars and stones, that’ll make you moan.
Hop into my bed and I’ll put you into the zone.
So come over here and suck my bone.
Affirmative Action.
I think nerds should go to college.
To get more knowledge.
I think jocks should go to college.
To get their throwing arm polished.
Got pillars and stone, that’ll make you moan.
Hope into my bed and I’ll put you in the zone.
I’ll put you in prone, after you suck my bone.
I got a huge hard ego for a masochist trance.
And for a few lil dollars you can get a lil dance.  
I’ll give you a pre-ejaculation for a quick summation.
For a few quick seconds I can give you titillation.
Imma Cockazoid.
Now I know your Daddy may think it’s a sin.
But come on baby let me put it in.
Your gunna rock by Barrack like 2008.
Cause otherwise I gotta masturbate.
Imam Cockazoid.
I like to eat cheese, and I love ricotta.
I like to drive my bitches in my Toyota.
Then we fly a plane to the south of Samoa.
Poppin bottles to the brim, this shit ain’t soda
My fb’s so stacked with celebs like Liotta.

Roast of Lakota Wind
1.      I wanna start off with a joke about Lakota. Since I’ve never roasted her before.
2.      Lakota has been doing this weed modeling lately so I know she will be going, probably, into full on porn within 2 months or so.
3.      I mean, 5 grand for an hour of anal, I couldn’t even pass up a deal like that Lakota.
4.      I mean 5 grand, that’s like 10 times the amount of money it cost to import Wendy over here. Because as many of you know, Wendy was brought to an underground brothel in America by the Chinese mafia and used as a Vietnamese sex slave.
5.      She’s really short so when she’s blowing guys she doesn’t even have to get on her knees.
6.      Okay back to Lakota and porn for a sec. Lakota really likes black guys. Like is she was at a Kentucky fried chicken she’d just be having orgasmic convulsions the whole time she’d be trying to order with the cashier, and he’d be like, “Ma’am would like the chicken Falafel?”
7.      And she’d be like, “I’ll have your chicken falafel big strong guerilla man.”
8.      I’m sorry guys I shouldn’t refer to black people as guerillas.
9.      There not guerrillas. Not since the white man helped you guys escape from Africa. Your welcome.
10.  GAY VOICE: Score! One point for the white man!
11.  Self-Five. [High Five hands together]
12.  If Lakota does porn her nickname on set is gunna be Oreo.
13.  Okay here are 10 great porn title names for Lakota’s videos since she likes black dudes…
14.  Grits in my groin
15.  Pop that anal cherry
16.  The adventures of the niganator (I think that one’s a superhero film)
17.  The tales of the Oreo girl
18.  Black Jesus in my mouth
19.  Tyler Perry’s Lakota
20.  Is that a welfare check in the mail or are you just happy to see me?
21.  How many black guys does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
22.  Oh gosh, what mean things could I possibly say about a beautiful gorgeous person with so much potential ahead of them, but enough about e, we’re here to talk about Lakota.

23.  I once took Lakota to a candy shop and she said Robert, that’s not the kind of chocolate I was talking about. 
Stand-Up Comedy
It’s fascinating to watch the way cats and dogs go about doing the same things, only with very different strategies.
If a dog, is hungry he will be all like *whimpering dog noise*
MASTER IM HUNGRY, PLEASE FEED ME. PLEASE FEED ME.
When a dog asks for anything. It’s always so dramatic. It’s like having a 4-year-old son. “DADDY…I need to go to the bathroom.” [baby voice] It’s the same exact way with dogs.
You got the dog clawing and crying at the door…” MASTER…I GOTTA BE SO BAD MAN. OH PLEASE. MY BLADDERS GUNNA EXPLODE.”
Why do the dogs have to be such drama queens about it?
Cats are the total opposite. There all like…
“MASTER, I BELIEVE ITS TIME FOR MY KIBBLE.”
If cats could snap their fingers and wrap handkerchiefs around their necks, you know they be the first ones to do it too. *British Accent*
“MASTER…PLEASE BRING A FRESH BOWL OF COLD TUNA TO MY OBSERVATORY AT 3’O CLOCK SHARP. IF YOU DO NOT I WILL MEOW INCESSANTLY UNTIL THE OBNOXIOUS SOUND OF MY VOICE BECOMES TOO MUCH FOR YOU TO HANDLE.

And you know you’ll do it. Because the incessant meowing s absolutely unbearable.