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Sunday, November 5, 2017

The Laws of Practical Application

The Laws of Creating New Worlds, The Laws of Shakespeare

Not a real word - Extrospective ; other people judging me from the outside  

Real word - Introspective 

Friday, October 20, 2017

Joke

You know I was devastated when I heard what happened to Harambe.

I mean, hasn't the black community suffered enough?

To have lost another Kardashian like that, so young.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

joke

It's been so fuckin hot today, I think my balls smell like Steve Buscemi's face.

Sunday, September 10, 2017

Jokes

Jokes

lives a promiscious lifestyle

  • my cat gets an abortion
  • the planned parebthood refused to give my cat abortion. 
  • they wont let her in, ph what? because my cat isnt a real feminist? 
  • just because she likes to shave her legs. 

Jokes

Jokes

You know I told my gf that when I die, I wanna die in my bed, doing someone that I love. 

You know you should never never put it inside your girlfriend's but without asking. Especially if its a razor blade. 

if your anything like me youve tried to stick it inside your girlfriends ass without asking, but let me tell you, apparently youre a monster. because you dont understand how it hurts. having a razor blade inside your butthole. 

i think its sick that black ppl were once considered to be 3/5ths of a person. everyone knows theyre only worth 1/5. 

Anne Frank and Justin Bieber. They were both discovered at such a young age. 

The guy whose bad at being racist. hes like, go playing a game of basketball, you dirty asian. 

i used to have a gf who liked it when i choked her, I mean to the point where she passed out. and one time I choked her so hard, I had to find a new girlfriend. 

you know comedians usually come up here and say something like, what a beautiful audience. But we're gunna have to skip that part of the show. 
Im not saying were dealing a room full of complete dumpster fires, Im just saying even Bill Cosby would have trouble finding someone to rape, in this audience. 
Im not saying this room is full of ugly people, but if I was an ISIS terrorist, I would think I just found my 72 virgins. 

i remember I was at the grocery store and I 

I hate it when 

i just had dental surgery and I can still taste blood in the back of my throat.... I probably shouldnt have eaten out of my girlfriend on her period. 

have you ever let a guy pee on your chest? 
Did you pass your test?

I like to furiously beat off... nazi zombies when Im playing Call of Duty. 

I like to hit women...up when I need a date for a wedding. 

I like to fuck children...out of their lunch money. 

I think the holocaust was a necessary event.. to teach children in grade school. 

I accidently spilled my juice. 
Kill  the Jews 



you know Ive always thought Hitler was such a hipster; think about it, he was a vegan, he was a failed artist and he a retro moustache look. 

he had ideas that went outside of the mainstream, he had trendy facial hair. 

my girlfriend tried to help me because i was feeling nervous before this performance. 
she says, you dont think hitler got nervous before his comedy open mics. 

isnt it crazy that there the nazis and hitler had such an effect on history that this (nazi salute) is considered an obscene gesture. 

LeVonna. You're a Chocolate Goose.

Her name is LeVonna. 
Hot like a sauna.

I play that ass like I'm Licktenshtine.
I strangle that neck Im Frankenstein.

As booshy.
As the bourgeoise.

A horse drawn carriage.
For you and me.

Your bootylicious, like Beyonce.
is there a shawtie that got game on you, I cant say

She's a one hour visual album.
Is that pee I smell, or lemonade.

She's the top notch nigger.
Oh fuck, I'm triggered.

Don't introduce her to your father.
Unless you want a bra-ther. 

LeVonna you're a chocolate goose.

And you're pussy gives me boners like Dr. Seuss.

Tinder Profile


Just your average valley girl trying to make it in LA as a tortoise trainer. They have extremely tiny ears so you have to use a megaphone to communicate with them. They eat a diet of raw eggs and protein shakes because theyre all pro-wrestlers. You dont know what its like having to maintain a reputation as the guy who beat the hare in the 10k. Its a hard life which is why the suicide rate in the tortoise community skyrocketed in the late 1990s. Due to the high suicide rate in the Tortoise-American community, the tortoise I look after, DeMarcus, is on xanex, antidepressants and zoloft. He takes 3 sleeping pills a night. And a quick hit of some Purple kush to take the edge off. Tortoises have a tendency to dream in Spanish so the marijuana, a Mexican cuisine, helps the tortoises reconnect with their Latin roots. By the way, DeMarcus's favorite movie is Roots. DeMarcus is very passionate about the black struggle. He posts very strongly worded facebook posts about it everyday because he wants to do his part in ending racism. Do the high rate of political activism in the Tortoise-American community, tortoises have some of the highest voter turnout rates of any minority group in the United States. Most tortoises are economically liberal but socially conservative. This is do to their strong Roman Catholic backgrounds. DeMarcus is very displeased with this new progressive Pope. DeMarcus, who feels Catholicism is socially progressing in a direction that he doesnt feel comfortable with. Consequentially, he is thinking about becoming a Mormon. Because he also wants to be denied the position of Secretary of State. 

Jokes

Joke
When you're near your Mom's vagina and you get that homesick feeling. 


STAND-UP COMEDY

High School logic. shes not fat enough to bully. there are fatter ppl to bully. All the kids are out on the playground, next to their friends in the jungle gym, just watching the fat kid go by, being like, Just wait, just wait, give it another 15-20 pounds, and then we’ll start bullying him. Like, don’t get me wrong, he’s at a low point in his life right now, but we want to wait until this 6 year old has hit rock bottom. Like, he’s a fat 6 year old and that sucks but lets just wait until he starts falling behind on his mortgage payments. he misfiles his w2 forms and he’s dodging the IRS, and their finally coming after him with serious jail time. I mean come on, what else to fat 6 year olds deal with. Oh, His pet bunny rabbit dies of syphllis. And because he’s so behind on his taxes and his mortgage payments, he can’t even afford the syphllis medication. And that’s a hard chose for a 6 year old to have to make, the home you’ve lived in all your life or your slutty STD ridden bunny. And a little side note, this fat 6 year old just happens to be Catholic, so he might think that his slutty bunny dying of an STD might be apart of God’s plan. And lets get back to the topic at hand. I mean these elementary kids are relentless. And they know, this little definitely not getting to finger any of those little hotties in his 2nd grade arts and crafts class, no no no, its all just paper mashie ducks and red firetruck cranyon drawings. And he’s gotta sit through Ms. Henderson’s live reenactment from an episode of Magical School Bus, when he’d really rather be knee deep in some of that sweet 6 year old footie tang. And listen Fat Jennet is in his league. I mean Fat Jennet is a 4, at best. And our little 6 year old, he feels like a solid 5. And he know he can get a 4. 

LeVonna. My Wet Hot Sauna.

“POEM”
You're my moon, 
you're my stars, 
and our love is greater
than the distance to Mars.
I love your hair. 
I love your skin, 
and when I'm with 
I can't help but sin. 
Levonna, 

you're my hot wet sauna. 

The Laws of Machiavelli

Sometimes it is necessary to commit great acts of evil, for the greater good.

The Laws of Machiavelli and The Laws of Ender
Sometimes we must forgo our humanity temporary, in order to save humanity. --- Ender's Game, A War of Gifts

The Laws of Practical Application: The Laws of Inquiry

machiavelli chapter

Imitation

Getting Inspired

-Boy George
-Anthony Jeselnik

I remember the first time I listened to a ________ speech, 


The first time I listened to ________ perform stand up comedy, 

Katerina's Feminism Article

Katerina's Feminism Article

http://dailybruin.com/2015/10/12/submission-afrikan-student-union-should-focus-on-problems-within-black-


The Laws of Practical Application: The Laws of Ego

Novel Extra Notes

DON’T Don’t fall prey to ego.

ACHIEVE Achieve balance.

LIFE Life is pain. 

THOSE Those who dont know, shout. Those who know, conversate. 

CONQUER Conquer thyself, and you will conquer the world.

EMBRACE Embrace the Light and Darkness.

YOU You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished for your anguish.

SUBDUE Subdue the enemy without fighting.

Win the lawsuit without suing. Sell the script without pitching. Earn the salary without working. {work is enjoyable, it doesnt feel like work} Breakup without heartbreak. Learn without schooling. {Derive social lessons and street smarts from everyday life.} Quit without quitting. Clean without cleaning. Absorb knowledge without reading. {Intellectualize with friends. Conversate with smart people.}

Non-theistic religion.

Why is it important to know thyself? To know what your weaknesses, shortcomings are. To know how your intake information best. Audio learner. Visual learner. Kinesthetic learner.

Know thyself, know thy enemy. A thousand battles, a thousand victories. If you cannot control your enemies, then other people can control you. You will always be an irrational animal guided by emotions, over rational thought. You must know yourself, to know what kind of environment you work best in. To know your skill, to know your strengths.

Choose your battles wisely.

The deals you don’t take are more consequential then the ones you do.

Sometimes inaction, is the best course of action.

One must hold within them heaven and hell when co-dependently ​​​​​used together. They play off one another like violins.

If the soldier fights, he must not cling to life.

Appear weak when your strong, appear strong when your weak.

The supreme art of war is to subdue the enemy without fighting.

If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need to fear the result of all 10 battles.

In chaos, there is opportunity. Examples; Trump, FDR, Bin Laden, Malcolm X.

Sometimes the actions you don’t make are more important than the ones you make.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why Not Call It Humanism?

It pisses off Christians.

It’s a great tool for propaganda.

Every religion needs symbols, Satanism has plenty.

Every religion needs rituals, Satanism inspires many.

Some Satanists believe in pills, potions, incarnations.

LaVey maintained that magic was real.

Religion inspires activism, in a way that Philosophies don’t.

It’s about separation of Church and State.

Religion needs a rich history to draw upon.

Satanism offers community. Human beings need ritualism.

A religion can claim tax exemption status.

A religion brings people together in a way that a philosophy and political party can’t.

Satanism is a broad spectrum, and theistic Satanists do exist. Magic users follow LaVey.

If the Mother be the father’s subject, the child, is in the fathers power. [page 25]

If there be no contact, the dominion is in the mother, in the condition of Meer nature. [page 254]

Preservation of life being the end (game). [page 253]

Dominion is acquired two waves. By generation and by conquest. [page 253]

Preservation of life being the end, one man becomes subject to another, every man promises obedience to him, (the ruler) in whose power it is to save or destroy. The Leviathan can make a strong argument for and against Nazism, Communism, Fascism, Emperors, Constitutional monarchy, totalitarianism, dictatorship, authoritarianism, autocracy, kingship, oligarchy. [page 254]

Thomas Hobbes says the worst government is better than no government at all.

Social Lesson #9: To live under Joseph Stalin would theoretically still be better than living in Somalia where there literally is no formal government, since the pirates overthrew the Somalian government in 1993.

Social Lesson #10: For examples of the kind of anarchy that Thomas Hobbes is warning us about you can see examples in the United States in which “mob rule” takes precedence. Just look at; Rodney King riots, the Ferguson Riots, the Not My President protests, the Klu Klux Klan rallies.

Social Lesson #11: To be truly brilliant, one must become a polymath. Otherwise known as a Renaissance man. Thomas Hobbes studied medicine, astronomy, mathematics, sociology, linguistics, politics, history. (My Personal Philosophy) To have a truly great work ethic, one must avoid being a polymath.

Social Lesson #14: Countries are like people, in a constant struggle with one another. War is a byproduct of human nature that will continue to exist so long as humans continues to exist.

Social Lesson #15: People are in a constant state of competition with one another.

" The condition of man…is a condition of war of everyone against everyone." --- Thomas Hobbes 

"Words are the money of intellectuals." --- Robert Gold 

The privilege of morality; to which no living creature is subject but man only. --- Robert Gold 


Jokes

Jokes

A man is like, send me your nudes. a woman is like, send your tax returns. 


You know how they say only 1 in 5 rapes are ever reported? ... Im the 4. 

You know they say GOD HATES FAGS.
But has God ever even tried smoking a cigarette?
^
I think that if God put his mouth to a butt...just once.
They'd start sayin GOD LOVES FAGS.

You know I think there's a lot of electricity between my girlfriend and I.
But my therapist tells me that an eel can't consent to a monogamous relationship.
^
You know what the worst part about dating an eel is?
When the Sea world employees tell you to stop humping the glass.
^
I just kidding. I'm just kidding.
The worst part about dating an eel is...it always smells a bit fishy down there.

You know the roughest part about going to Bible camp every summer?
The anal sex.

Can you believe we're almost halfway through 2017?
And there hasn't been a mass shooting yet... I know...What a boring year.

Do you wanna know why so many kids die in school shootings? 
Because you cant expect a millennial not to go crazy when subjected to a no texting in class policy. 
^
Because this no texting in class policy is really difficult for millennials. 


Why is it that Mexicans works so much harder then white people?
They don't. We're all individuals. And race is a cultural construct.
^
And if any of you thought that joke was going anywhere else then where it went, you're racist.

You know what the most painful thing in the world is?
Un-lubricated butt sex ... for her I mean ... It felt great to me.

Growing up gay wasn't easy.
For any of the gay kids I used to beat up in High School.

Why are there so many problems in this world today? 
is it war, is it famine or the fact theres 7 ppl for every 1 hbogo password. 

Star Wars is one of my favorite movie franchises of all time.
And not just because Chewbacca is an inspiration to feminists everywhere.
^
You know before Star Wars and Yoda, I didn't know migits talked backwards.
^
Its like...go take an English class Mr. Migit, what, do they like not have a public education system on the Yellow Brick Road?

What do you call a black guy who just has to have an opinion on everything?
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I really hate driving.
Which is why I have my Mommy drive me everywhere.
And thank God I'm such a great conversationalist, or that would be an awkward drive to the Chucky Cheeses.

I used to hate it when I got sick as a kid and my Dad had to check my temperature.
I just wish he wasn't so forgetful, and always getting the oral and rectal thermometry mixed up.

Why are Asians such bad drivers?
I don't know, why do we always assume the guy going 20 in a 35 is Asian.
^
Asians could very well be taking the brunt of the blame for all of our bad driving skills.

You know my black girlfriend hates it when I call her the n word.
But if she's gunna act neurotic, I'm gunna call her out on it.

You know watching a child die is the worst possible thing in the world.
But hiding the body afterwards can't be a walk in the park either.
^
Well, it can be a walk in the park ... if that's where you've decided you wanna hide the body.

You know I have fucked a lot of women...over...
...as a car insurance salesman.

You know it really makes me mad when people refer to me as a man of the people.
I can't they would just so blatantly assume my gender.

You know I've always hated the Strip Club.
I just find Bring Your Kid to Work Day super boring.

Why do KKK members where sheets over their heads?
*Sweet Soft Voice* Because racism is an ugly thing that no one should ever have to look at. 

What is wrong with our society today?
It is the economy? ISIS? Or the fact that auto correct recognizes proper nouns, unless its a black girl name.
^
I think that before we worry about defeating the terrorists, we gotta deal with these culturally insensitive iPhones.
I'm starting to get worried. Because I honestly don't think that Ameenah is that obscure of a name.
^
At this point, I think my iPhone is just fucking with me.
^
Guys, I'm scared. What if Siri is a member of the Alt-Right?

Growing up my Father used to be beat my Brother and I.
At every game of monopoly we ever played.
^
And then he would proceed to rape us.
At shoots and latters.
^
*sad* But worst of all, he used to tell me that my Brother was better then me.
*Sped up* At monopoly, we had a ranking system. first place, second place, third place. 

You know at work, I'm supposed to where a name tag.
But I hate labels.

You know I don't think it's fair the way we judge Jeffrey Dahmer.
I mean, can we honestly look ourselves in the mirror and say that he was the only man in the world who liked getting head?

It's unfortunate that so many children die in school shootings.
But if it's the inspiration "Foster the People" needs, then those kids needed to die.

You know, I've never really liked the beach.
But..if my Sister-In-Law was nicer to me, I wouldn't have to call her a beach.

You know they say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year.
^
And they call Disneyland the happiest place on Earth.
Do you think that's because there's no Jews allowed?

*sad* Why was the holocaust so sad?
*sad* Because it gave Roman Polanski an Oscar.

Why is the word "gay" a synonym for "happy"?
Because gay people can't get pregnant.

I can't believe that the first person to contract AIDS fucked a monkey.
I can't believe it because when I fuck monkeys, I always wear a condom.

You know who really gave good head?
My High School gym teacher.
^
No. No. No. I'm just kidding, do you know who makes some of the best videos of people getting head?
ISIS.
^
Do you wanna know the difference between ISIS beheading videos and pornhub?
I don't masturbate to videos on pornhub.

*angry* Do you know what kind of person you have to be to join the Klu Klux Klan?
*mad* Because I've sent my job resume to them several times, and they haven't returned any of my calls.

MS-13 gang symbols have been popping up in my neighborhood recently, and people are starting to get really worried.
And I'm confused, why are we so scared of a 13 year old boy with multiple sclerosis?

Why are gay people always having parades?
I mean seriously, how can people with AIDS walk that fast?

I don't use erasers ...
... because I don't have any regrets in life.

What do you call a woman whose always bugging around in your personal life?
My court appointed psychiatrist.

I hate the fact that women are always screaming at me.
But if your gonna leave your window open, I'm gonna crawl thru it.

What's the worst part of getting a toothy blowjob?
Having to see your Uncle at the family reunions afterwards.

I hate doing math homework,
for my 9 year old girlfriend.
^
But if she takes all night, we're not gonna have much time for sex.

There's a fear people have that if they don't lock their doors at night, someones are going to break in.
... But I've always preferred a challenge.
^
And let me tell you, I was absolutely livid, when I found out that my community college doesn't offer  lock picking classes.

Why are there so many reported cases of men raping women, and so few reported cases of women raping men?
Because its not rape if you like it.
^
Unless your gay, then that bitch is going to jail.

What do you call it when a man sticks 2 fingers inside a woman's vagina?
A gynecology exam.

You know who likes getting laid?
Chickens.
^
You know a guy once called me a chicken.
And I said, "Oh what, just because I like getting laid?"

You wanna know how I know my girlfriend's Jewish?
She hogs the covers.

What do you say to a guy who doesn't know if he's straight or not?
Hey man, you look a little bent out of shape.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Korean BBQ

How do you say hello to a person who's Chinese, who only speaks Chinese?
You shouldn't talk to people outside your own race.

How do cats make people sneeze?
By sticking shaving cream in their hands and feathers under their noses.

Why is it that whenever I go to the movies, their are always black people hollering?
Every time I set off the fire alarm.
^
No, but I'm serious. Why are black people always talking at the movie theater?
Telling me to put my phone away.

Why are black women so loud and obnoxious?
Every time I try to put in their butt without asking.

What do you call a jar of mayonnaise that studies quantum physics?
Stephen Hawking

Thomas Jefferson, the man who literally wrote the Declaration of Independence, fucked so many black chicks ...
... he might as well be a Kardashian.
^
And while we're on this topic, why is called jungle fervor?
Every black girl I've ever been with was always shaved down there.

What do professional waxers and McDonalds cashiers [lawyers] have in common?
They both stare at assholes all day.


The Laws of Practical Application: The Laws of The Leviathan

The Leviathan Outline

Thesis: Authoritarianism
Claim 1: Rule by an Absolute Sovereign. 
Claim 2: A Social Contract
Claim 3: Civil war and the brute situation of a state of nature ("the war of all against all") could only be avoided by strong, undivided government.
Claim 4: Good and evil are nothing more than terms used to denote an individual's appetites and desires, while these appetites and desires are nothing more than the tendency to move toward or away from an object. 
Claim 5: Hope is nothing more than an appetite for a thing combined with opinion that it can be had. 
Claim 6: Hobbes describes human psychology without any reference to the summum bonum, or greatest good, as previous thought had done. Not only is the concept of a summum bonumsuperfluous, but given the variability of human desires, there could be no such thing. 
Claim 8: Consequently, any political community that sought to provide the greatest good to its members would find itself driven by competing conceptions of that good with no way to decide among them. The result would be civil war.
Claim 9: Red China is better then it was under Feudal China. 
Claim 10: Amoral Universe.
Rebuttal: Democracy. 

Conclusion: Absolute Sovereign, Social Contract, State of Nature. 

Joke

Jokes

You being a womam, past 9:15? Sounds like you were asking to get raped. If women dont wanna get raped, why would they wear woman's skin? Why be woman, when they know. Mmm mmm mmm, Im so sorry officer. I didnt know. My pussys up for grabs. Ma'am, are you an owner of a pussy? Ma'am, what is that? What is that? Ma'am are you possession of a fully loaded pussy. Ma'am your gunna have to that thing registered with the NRA. We cant have a unlicensed conceal-carry pussy owner out on the streets of our town, without our knowledge. if you cant get a permit, a conceal carry pussy permit, I think you know that rape is the only last option. and this whole going out past 5:30 in woman's skin. no no no debra. thats not how we do business. Ma'am, stop crying. stop crying. we'll give you a discount rape. you know what, we'll even get you a 2 for one special, for next time. ma'am. ma'am. You brought this on yourself. (sighs) woman. thinkin their ppl. so ignorant. no nieve. 

You know they say GOD HATES FAGS.
But has God ever even tried smoking a cigarette?
^
I think that if God put his mouth to a butt...just once.
They'd start sayin GOD LOVES FAGS.

You know I think there's a lot of electricity between my girlfriend and I.
But my therapist tells me that an eel can't consent to a monogamous relationship.
^
You know what the worst part about dating an eel is?
When the Sea world employees tell you to stop humping the glass.
^
I just kidding. I'm just kidding.
The worst part about dating an eel is...it always smells a bit fishy down there.

You know the roughest part about going to Bible camp every summer?
The anal sex.

Can you believe we're almost halfway through 2017?
And there hasn't been a mass shooting yet... I know...What a boring year.

Why is it that Mexicans works so much harder then white people?
They don't. We're all individuals. And race is a cultural construct.
^
And if any of you thought that joke was going anywhere else then where it went, you're racist.

You know what the most painful thing in the world is?
Un-lubricated butt sex ... for her I mean ... It felt great to me.

Growing up gay wasn't easy.
For any of the gay kids I used to beat up in High School.

Why is it so difficult for people to get along in this world?
Oh no, I can think of several reasons. I was just wondering what all of you guys thought.

Star Wars is one of my favorite movie franchises of all time.
And not just because Chewbacca is an inspiration to feminists everywhere.
^
You know before Star Wars and Yoda, I didn't know migits talked backwards.
^
Its like...go take an English class Mr. Migit, what, do they like not have a public education system on the Yellow Brick Road?

What do you call a black guy who just has to have an opinion on everything?
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I really hate driving.
Which is why I have my Mommy drive me everywhere.
And thank God I'm such a great conversationalist, or that would be an awkward drive to the Chucky Cheeses.

I used to hate it when I got sick as a kid and my Dad had to check my temperature.
I just wish he wasn't so forgetful, and always getting the oral and rectal thermometry mixed up.

Why are Asians such bad drivers?
I don't know, why do we always assume the guy going 20 in a 35 is Asian.
^
Asians could very well be taking the brunt of the blame for all of our bad driving skills.

You know my black girlfriend hates it when I call her the n word.
But if she's gunna act neurotic, I'm gunna call her out on it.

You know watching a child die is the worst possible thing in the world.
But hiding the body can't be a walk in the park either.
^
Well, it can be a walk in the park ... if that's where you've decided you wanna hide the body.

You know I have fucked a lot of women...over...
...as a car insurance salesman.

You know it really makes me mad when people refer to me as a man of the people.
I can't they would just so blatantly assume my gender.

You know I've always hated the Strip Club.
I've just always found Bring Your Kid to Work Day super boring.

Why do KKK members where sheets over their heads?
*Sweet Soft Voice* Because racism is an ugly thing that no one should ever have to look at. 

What is wrong with our society today?
It is the economy? ISIS? Or the fact that auto correct recognizes proper nouns, unless its a black girl name.
^
I think that before we worry about defeating the terrorists, we gotta deal with these culturally insensitive iPhones.
I'm starting to get worried. Because I honestly don't think that Ameenah is that obscure of a name.
^
At this point, I think my iPhone is just fucking with me.
^
Guys, I'm scared. What if Siri is a member of the Alt-Right?

Growing up my Father used to be beat my Brother and I.
At every game of monopoly we ever played.
^
And then he would proceed to rape us.
At shoots and latters.
^
But worst of all, he used to tell me that my Brother was better then me.
*Sped up* At monopoly, we had a ranking system. first place, second place, third place. 

You know at work, I'm supposed to where a name tag.
But I hate labels.

You know I don't think it's fair the way we judge Jeffrey Dahmer.
I mean, can we honestly look ourselves in the mirror and say that he was the only man in the world who liked getting head?

It's unfortunate that so many children die in school shootings.
But if it's the inspiration "Foster the People" needs, then those kids needed to die.

You know, I've never really liked the beach.
But..if my Sister-In-Law was nicer to me, I wouldn't have to call her a beach.

You know they say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year.
^
And they call Disneyland the happiest place on Earth.
Do you think that's because there's no Jews allowed?

Why was the holocaust so sad?
Because it gave Roman Polanski an Oscar.

Why is the word "gay" a synonym for "happy"?
Because gay people can't get pregnant.

I can't believe that the first person to contract AIDS fucked a monkey.
I can't believe it because when I fuck monkeys, I always wear a condom.

You know who really gave good head?
My High School gym teacher.
^
No. No. No. I'm just kidding, do you know who makes some of the best videos of people getting head?
ISIS.
^
Do you wanna know the difference between ISIS beheading videos and pornhub?
I don't masturbate to videos on pornhub.

*angry* Do you know what kind of person you have to be to join the Klu Klux Klan?
Because I've sent my job resume to them several times, and they haven't returned any of my calls.

MS-13 gang symbols have been popping up in my neighborhood recently, and people are starting to get really worried.
And I'm confused, why are we so scared of a 13 year old boy with multiple sclerosis?

Why are gay people always having parades?
I mean seriously, how can people with AIDS walk that fast?

I don't use erasers ...
... because I don't have any regrets in life.

What do you call a woman whose always bugging around in your personal life?
My court appointed psychiatrist.

I hate the fact that women are always screaming at me.
But if your gonna leave your window open, I'm gonna crawl thru it.

What's the worst part of getting a toothy blowjob?
Having to see your Uncle at the family reunions afterwards.

I hate doing math homework,
for my 9 year old girlfriend.
^
But if she takes all night, we're not gonna have much time for sex.

There's a fear people have that if they don't lock their doors at night, someones are going to break in.
... But I've always preferred a challenge.
^
And let me tell you, I was absolutely livid, when I found out that my community college doesn't offer any lock picking classes.

Why are there so many reported cases of men raping women, and so few reported cases of women raping men?
Because its not rape if you like it.
^
Unless your gay, then that bitch is going to jail.

What do you call it when a man sticks 2 fingers inside a woman's vagina?


What do you call a harsh unrelenting Mexican dictator? 
My anal glands after Taco Bell. 

you know sometimes I look in the mirror and I say, "Who the fuck do you think you are?"
And I realize Im high, and I cant remember my own name. 

you know who really got good head? 
Lee Harvey Oswald

You know what jeffrey dahmer and Bill clinton have in common? 
Theyre both super famous for getting really good head. 

Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's Minister of Media, had a PhD in Philosophy. See! It's not true what they say, Liberal Arts Majors can be very successful!

Whats the similiarity between me and Vietnam? 
I always pull out at the last second. 
^
My girlfriend hates that joke. 
^ 
Probably because Planned Parenthood just stopped doing their buy one get one free deals. 

What do Jay-lo and Julius Caesar have in common? 
They both had their pussies beaten by Mark Anthony. 

What do you call a boy that wants to be a girl? 
A decathelon runner

What do you call a salad with no ranch dressing? 
Scissoring

God, dont you hate that feeling of home sickness? 
When you're near your Mom's vagina. 

Why do you kids in High School get bullied? 
I dont know. How else is the NRA gonna make any money? 

Whats the difference between santa claus and a black father? 
Santa Claus comes to visit once a year. 

Someone needed to tell Jeffrey Dahmer.
Your supposed to suck it, not eat it. 


Whats the difference between a 

Joke

Jokes

-im taking a shower, n i smell the soap and Im like, Grandpa (holocaust joke)

-Shazaming a song during an isis video


-ladies how does it feel when the guy on the radio can sing a higher note then you, even if you grabbed your clit, you could not go that high. 

Joke

Joke

You know when you go thru a breakup n you get pissed off. ur like, now what i gunna take with this fake person i created? 

its like, i custom made it for you. this is not a mass market product. 

its got custom catch phrases 


its like one of those plush toy stuffed always that you pull the string and its like, I LOVE YOU

Facebook Posts

James Beus’ Ideas of What Qualities It Takes to Be a Leader
1. Be honest with yourself, always.
2. Be happy.
3. Avoid trying to be popular.
4. Develop your interests.
5. Have interests in others.
6. Ask questions and take interest in others.
7. Show your confidence.
8. Remain humorous and lighthearted.
9. Try to be nice.
10. Remain cool, calm and collected.
11. Remain open to new relationships.

Facebook Post

But as a History Major I think that studying the characteristics and archetypes of various leaders throughout history is fascinating, and one of the things I've learned from studying people like Mao or Caesar or Napolean or Genghis is that they all shared 1 similar attribute, they were all very likable people. They rose through the ranks of society because they knew how to play the game of interpersonal politics.

Joke
Its funny how we think that we don't have accents. I grew up thinking that "other people" were the ones who had accents. I speak proper standard English. When I'm traveling, people can always tell that I'm from LA. We don't even realize it, but we have West Coast accents. And when I'm meet people they know exactly where I'm from, they don't say I'm from the West Coast. They don't say I'm from California. They can tell that my accent is from LA. If I meet someone with an East Coast accent, I can usually tell that their from New York City. If I meet someone with a Cuban accent, I can tell their from Miami.

Satanic Speeches #1
My sisters, my brothers of the LaVeyian path, walk with me in the path of wisdom! The path of truth! This world belongs to the elite, and we are the lions of the metropolitan jungle! Rejoice, for we are the demons who ate the apple, offered to us by the Luciferian snake! We have tasted power and we are the inheritors of the Earth! Hail Beezelbub! Hail Baphomet! And finally, Hail mother fucking Satan!

Satanic Speeches #2
Lucifer, like all of us, is the forgotten son! The boy in wrought with the looming figure of paternal grandeur! Rebelling against the patriarchal constraints of conformity! And so the boy who was once the favorite, playing the lyre ever so gracefully for his loving father, rebelled as teens do! And was cast away from his home for doing so! Thusly, he found his own home and only invited guests who lived their lives well, full of sin and gluttony! Not pompous and gentle and afraid! Lucifer could not stand that people thought that they were good because they did not desire eternal damnation. This is not goodness, said Lucifer! This is fear! To keep yourself in line for fear of hellish flames is not altruism, it is not virtue, it is COWARDICE! SPINELESS! AND REPULSIVE! and worst of HYPOCRITICAL! Hail Beezelbub! Hail Lucifer! Hail Satan! Hail him brothers and sisters! Hail him because he is your Liberator! Your Salvation! Your Strength of Heart and Stock of Mind! And what the detractors, the cross-bearers and the children of Abraham will never know, is that you are Satan! And YOU WILL LIBERATE YOURSELF! Because you're the only person that can.

List of Baggage That Makes a Relationship a Deal Breaker
-Being Overweight
-A Job that Requires You to Travel
-pot smoker
-has kids
-been to jail

Joke
Winter is Coming??!! Winter is Coming!!?! So what you're telling me is that George R R R R R R R Martin lied to me???

The Tuskegee Experiments
The Tuskegee Experiments from 1932 - 1972 was a Government Experiment Program infecting Blacks with Syphillis, and studying the results, denying participants in the experiment the cure (penicilin) which was invented in 1947. The wives and future children of these black men contracted the disease by association. As a Libertarian I say this, if you believe that the government should enact socialist or communist policies, YOU'RE A LIBTARD. And if you think that the Government giving food stamps and welfare checks to blacks (and whites) is helping, its not! The Government is not to be trusted! Blacks (and whites) have trusted the government for too long, and not realized after this long that UNCLE SAM IS FUCKING YOU IN THE ASS.

joke
You ever see someone after not seeing them for a while, and your like, oh i thought youd be different by now. like not, look different. i just mean i thought youd be better, like not you. like, you know how ppl say, oh never change your perfect i love you the way you are, you know i dont feel like you got that a lot. 

Joke
Russia Investigation..worst Tom Clancy novel ever.

Joke
This is my impression of a woman trying to argue in a domestic dispute. 
MAN: I can't believe you cheated on me. 
WOMAN: Listen, I only did it because in August 2015, on the 8th of the month at 7:34pm, we entered the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking lot and you opened my car door...and you were rude about it. And really, if we think about, your the one who led me to cheat. And in the past week, you've sneezed 26 times, and loudly I might add. How do you plead?

Joke
All this social media millennial culture stuff is staring to affect the older generations. My Gen Xer friends are hitting me up trying to get me to like their facebook profile pictures because their in some bet with their friend over who can get more likes. And even Grandfather is so proud of himself because he spends this election cycle being what he considers to be very politically active and preaching his views over facebook. Im like my God, my Grandpa's life looks like a Reddit Thread. (Reddit Page) (Reddit Post)

Joke
-Shazam
-Singing the song into Shazam
-The hardest part is singing the guitar solo

OBAMA COMEDY SKETCH - Stand Up Set
-God, when Obama was elected, 
-do you guys remember how the Republicans reacted? 
My God, they treated it like we were on the verge of white slavery. 
-They were like, 
-"That negro is trying to make sure that all Americans 
-have access to basic medical attention at reasonable prices. 
-Well diggty dog, I think we got ourselves a dirty Muslim Socialist on our hands."
-And when Obama spoke about comprehensive gun 
-safety pegislature in his first state of the union address, based on the reaction, 
-you would have thought that he had some sort of Jeremiah Wright drop the 
-mic moment like he was like Mother Fuck America. Mother Fuck the Military. 
-His version would be like FUCK THE second amendment. 
-you know what, fuck all the amendments. were starting from stratch. 
-Hillary! can you come in hear for a second, 
-and can you get Biden to get off the xbox 
-for just a second...okay team meeting. were going to need a 
-copy of the 300 million copies of the quran, and for every new amendment, 
-sprinkle a little bit of shariah law in there, you know what, who are we kidding, 
-just do a copy and paste job. 
Imagine the day after shariah law gets past, 
-(use female audience member) 
-u go to the dmv, and there like wow wow wow ma'am ma'am what do u think your doing here, 
-uuuuuum, Im here to reknew my license, your license? 
-Ma'am here at the Muslim DMV we have a motto, "camel toes ride camels to work."
-We dont always understand god's plan, but maybe thats because he doesnt want us to. 
-Listen when God gives you lemons, make oppressive laws againat women. 
-Thats just the tools he provided us, and we can only work with what God gives us. 
-But while your here at the DMV, please enjoy this placate of this very authentic non-Kenyan 
-birth certificate, from our very own God-King, Emperor Barrack Obama . 

Facebook Post
Anti-Feminism Facebook Post
We should KILL ALL MEN. Burn our bras. Grow hairy arm pits. Leave our husbands. Become lesbians. #SecondWaveFeminism &#ThirdWaveFeminism

Jokes
I dont have a car. The only way I can ever get anywhere Im going is to uber. Metro is not reliable. if we're meeting up, and Ive told you that  taking the bus to come get to you, it means I told really care about that friendship, because Ive prepared myself for the fact that I might get there 45minutes late. 
And rather then plan to get there an hour early, in case anything goes wrong or call an uber, Ive decided to put our friendship in the hands of LA Metro. Because people hate it when your late, espevially when your a police officer answering a domestic violence despute. But listen, its never the women's fault, she didnt ask for that to happen to her, and you have to be supportive, you say, "Martha look on the bright side, I really think blue is your color."

DOG PUNS. Stand-Up Comedy. Jokes

-God, its been so hot out lately. Its been like a fuckin oven. And I’m jewish. And let me tell yah, jews and ovens have never gotten along. 
-jews and ovens have never had a good history together. 
-jews and ovens have never gotten along. 
-and jews and ovens don’t go well together. 

You know I like cooking. But I actually don’t like making food in the oven. I guess its just because jews and ovens haven’t exactly gotten along very well, you know, historically speaking. No, no. But I am serious, I do love cooking. I think I do it because I’m a good boyfriend, my girlfriend thinks I do it because Im gay. 

You know ever since I was a little boy I’ve always loved Disney movies. I loved Mulan, Fantasia, Aladin. But Pinochio, that one was my favorite. I said to myself, now thats a face I’d like to sit on.  

5 MINUTES OF DOG PUNS FOR ARIANE VON KAMP’S SHOW. 

So the name of the show is called Pet Centric

And I’d like to dedicate this set tonight to someone whose waiting for me at home. 

So in honor of my boxer dog lexi, I’m going to do this entire set in doggystyle. 
No no, I’m just kidding. Then the back row wouldn’t even be able to see me. 
You know what, fuck the back row. Rosa fuckin Parks died on the cross for you, and thats where you decide to sit. 

*get in the doggystyle position*

Guys, I’m serious, I’m not afraid to do my entire set like this. 
I wish someone would make me the First Lady of the United States for standing in this position. 

what if ppl are still walking in and finding their seats, and this is the first thing they see. 
I should make some another announcement, just so they know whats going on. 
Yo yo yo, tonight I’m doing my entire set in doggystyle, in honor of my dog Lexi.
Little bit about Lexi, She eats her own feeses, and then licks my face. 

*pop back up*

Okay, where were we? Oh right, my dog eats her own shit, and then gives me a warm bath her tongue. You know what, I think Lexi listened to some of my voicemails on my answering machines, and found out that I go to Massage Envy, and so she decided to take the initiative, and give me her own mud bath. With her lady poop. 

And like I said, she knows I don’t like it when she licks my face after she does her lady business, but what can I say, she’s a naughty little bitch, so what are you gunna do? 

*awkward pause*
Sir, Do you get it? do you get the joke? Do you get how I called her a bitch? Because…Because she’s a woman. 

Oh, I haven’t even introduced myself yet. 
SMy name is Robert. 
I’m history Major at Los Angeles Valley College. 
I work in telemarketing selling ink and toner.  
And I’m 21 years old. 
Which is about 150 in dog years. 
so I was supposed to start collecting social security about 70 years ago. 
Oh by the way, another thing about me…(finish joke)

You know a lot of my friends ask me, whats my stance on beastiliaty? just do a little bit of peanut butter on your genitals, and their good to go. i mean, if your a man, your dick might be permanently mangled afterwards. But if you don’t mind having a dick that looks like Eric Trump’s face, then please, God’s speed. 

And by the way, ladies, if this set goes well tonight, I give you permission to smell my ass after the show. 

No im just kidding. im just kidding. Theres only 1 important woman in my life, and thats my Mom. Right after Maxine Waters. Then its my Mom. Im sorry, that sounds so harsh but when have I ever seen my Mom reclaim her time. 

For those of you who dont know the political reference Im making, Al Gore created the internet for more then just masturbating, alright?

No, I shouldnt judge. Im spilled more seed in a single night then a birdwatcher with parkinsons. 

When I wipe my ass, my mom goes good boy, good boy. 

Birds. 
So I used to own 2 birds. They were cockateels. 
And my birds were named Rico and Lola, 
And I found out that my birds were named after, by the previous owner, 

Can you believe that. that my bird could maintain a full time job, 

getting that stripper money pension. 
Getting that stripper money healthcare. 
getting that stripper money 401 K. 
Guys its common knowledge that all strippers have a Roth, am I right? am I right? Yahoo Answers would not lie to me. 

Hooters Jokes
-Girls wearing makeup. 
-I told her I think she looks better without makeup. 
-I told her, All these girls right here, they are really rocking the makeup look, you, your really bumming everyone out. i told her, giovann, you look like shit with makeup on. 

-

DOG PUNS. 
DOG PUNS
DOG PUNS

STAND-UP COMEDY.
-god, i never knew i could love 3/5ths of a woman. 
-My girlfriend and I have so much in common, and its crazy because were always having sex around the same time of day. 
-our kids are never gunna forgive me, for fucking a nigger. 

-miscarriage blood on blood, two drops, do u think its a bot or a girl? he has your eyes! he was gunna be 6'3! this baby is dead, just like our love. 

Joke
Have you ever had to quit your job? I just wanna say, in the short time that I’ve know you, I’ve come to realize just how much I hate all of you. 



























Joke

no females in the animal kingdom have orgasms, except for human females. 
so your telling me men suck in all species. 

and i know i know what your thinking ladies, well human females barely have orgasms.  

Joke

is this a zipcode that ive whipped my dick out in before
okay i have a place to stay tonight


i like being friends with so many satanists on fb, they talk about philosophy poltics religion
why do i wanna know what jayden from 10th grade english class it up to
fuck you jayden
fuck your new pontiac your mon bought for you

i wanna talk about whether writing with your left hand gives you 10% more access to your brain capacity

Mexico Oppressed the Indigenous Peoples

Mexico Oppressed the Indigenous peoples


From 1821 to 1846, after Mexico gained its independence from Spain, California was under Mexican rule. In 1824, the Mexican constitution guaranteed citizenship to all persons, providing natives with the right to continue occupying their villages. Additionally, the Mexican National Congress passed the Colonization Act of 1824 which granted large sections of unoccupied land to individuals. This act enforced a class division in which Native Americans were treated like slaves because the native Californians became the labor force for these ranchos. In 1833, the government secularized missions, saying that the missions needed to give their land to catholic Indians.[2] Instead of doing that, however, many civil authorities confiscated most of the land for themselves. Californios often gained prominence by conducting military attacks on indigenous settlements. By 1846, Mexico’s Assembly had passed resolutions calling for funds to locate and destroy Indian villages.

Joke

Joke
My roommate, whose also a comic. Gave me a sage advice. Make sure you never run the light, which means going over your allotted time, keep it short and sweet, and leave them wanting more. 
*sad voice* you mean, how I have sex?

Speaking of cumming too fast, I’ll always still brushing my teeth when the uber arrives. 
I’m like, I know Armenians like to drive fast, but damn. 

By the way, I’m not racist, I do believe in equality. 
I think you should hate everyone equally.
Remember Hillary’s campaign slogan, “Stronger divided”, its happening guys. 
We’re getting more divided. Did you see what happened in Charlestville recently? Uh, best cardio workout of my life. 

I’m just kidding. Im just kidding. I have no love for keeping a Robert E. Lee statue up. But thats just because I think the Civil War was a stupid war. 

I think we should of let the South secede. Dude, if we had let the South secede, we would have flying cars and 
a cure for cancer by now. 

I honestly believe that.the first one is a joke. But I’m serious about the second one. Why is it that republicans always wanna cut health care research funding but when Ronald Reagan gets Alzheimers, we all have to suck Nancy Reagan’s clitoris?

Is it clitoris or cli-TORUS? Look at me, up here, a fully grown adult. Still talking about my imaginary friends. Ah, some old habits die hard. 

Like my grandfather, he died with a raging boner. A going away present for my grandmother, as we like to call it, at the annual family reunions. 

Joke
After summing fast, Levonna didn’t wanna talk to me. But Liberache saved me. 
2 hours of jokes about Michael Douglas giving it to Matt Damon in the ass

Joke
I’m a college student. Specifically I’m a History Major. And so a lot of my friends know that I’m very into politics. Not like, everything thats happening right now though. Like, if you try to talk to me about everything thats going on right now, I’m like an ostrarig man. no joke. My head is in the sand. I’m am like, I don’t want anything to do with what’s going on right now. My liberal friends wanna talk to me about politics, no thank you. My conservative friends wanna talk to me about current politics. I’m like dude, I’m an ostrig. I don’t know what the hell’s going on. I mean personally, I just found it super weird and confusing when Trump did the entire second half of his Inaugural Address in Russian. That was weird. I felt like I was watching a James Bond film. 



And another thing I don’t get about everything thats been going on in politics. And I don’t even like the taste of cofeefee, you know what I’m saying? I know it helps ppl wake up in the morning. But I’ve never really liked the taste of it. If anything in the mornings, I’d rather have a cup of orange ju-ice. *awkward pause* get it, cause I…I um… I pronounced both syllables in the word juice, instead of congregated them. I thought it was funny. Sean Spicer would of thought it was funny. He’s known for having a great sense of humor, he said viciously. 


No but seriously,   


I am not losing any more Facebook friends over this election man. I am serious. You ever go on Facebook, and read a political Facebook post from a friend of yours that you had never discussed politics with before. Your like, *long dramatic pause* Hmmm, so thats what John believes. Fascinating. And to think, he was able to summarize his entire political belief structure into 4 short terribly grammarized sentences. And I’m like, should I unfriend him. No no no.  He won’t notice if I unfriend him. No, I block him, that way he’ll assume I deleted my Facebook account. Yah, yah. That’s the ticket. Gosh, Robert you are so smart.     



And why is it always the ugliest guys that are always worried about gay guys trying to have sex with them? 
I’m like, You shouldn’t be worried about anyone trying to have sex with you….let alone gay men. 

And then my friends will ask me, how do you feel about gays in the military?
I’m like, your telling me that someone is patriotic enough to die for their country, your gunna stop them from serving this nation?
I think thats the unpatriotic thing to do. 

But honestly I’ll admit it, there are some conservative believes that I have. I’m sure we all have one or two things we agree with Republicans on. 
Mine is immigration. When I found out that Justin Bieber was Canadian, I was absolutely livid. 
We seriously let another one slip across the border. 
And look at what those fuckin Canadian immigrants do. 
They dilude our culture, they become a negative influence to society, and they 
Someone has to do something about these Canadian immigrants man, I’m serious. 
If trump wants to build a wall, I’m ready. 
I’m sick of this fuckin Canadian bacon. 
Its ham, you fucking socialist maple syrup guzzling mooses 
I bet your hockey injuries are all insured through your single payer health care system
You dirty commie pieces of shit!