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Sunday, May 7, 2017

Stand-Up Comedy

You know they say GOD HATES FAGS.
But has God ever even tried smoking a cigarette?
^
I think that if God put his mouth to a butt...just once.
They'd start sayin GOD LOVES FAGS.

You know I think there's a lot of electricity between my girlfriend and I.
But my therapist tells me that an eel can't consent to a monogamous relationship.
^
You know what the worst part about dating an eel is?
When the Sea world employees tell you to stop humping the glass.
^
I just kidding. I'm just kidding.
The worst part about dating an eel is...it always smells a bit fishy down there.

You know the roughest part about going to Bible camp every summer?
The anal sex.

Can you believe we're almost halfway through 2017?
And there hasn't been a mass shooting yet... I know...What a boring year.

Why is it that Mexicans works so much harder then white people?
They don't. We're all individuals. And race is a cultural construct.
^
And if any of you thought that joke was going anywhere else then where it went, you're racist.

You know what the most painful thing in the world is?
Un-lubricated butt sex ... for her I mean ... It felt great to me.

Growing up gay wasn't easy.
For any of the gay kids I used to beat up in High School.

Why is it so difficult for people to get along in this world?
Oh no, I can think of several reasons. I was just wondering what all of you guys thought.

Star Wars is one of my favorite movie franchises of all time.
And not just because Chewbacca is an inspiration to feminists everywhere.
^
You know before Star Wars and Yoda, I didn't know migits talked backwards.
^
Its like...go take an English class Mr. Migit, what, do they like not have a public education system on the Yellow Brick Road?

What do you call a black guy who just has to have an opinion on everything?
Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I really hate driving.
Which is why I have my Mommy drive me everywhere.
And thank God I'm such a great conversationalist, or that would be an awkward drive to the Chucky Cheeses.

I used to hate it when I got sick as a kid and my Dad had to check my temperature.
I just wish he wasn't so forgetful, and always getting the oral and rectal thermometry mixed up.

Why are Asians such bad drivers?
I don't know, why do we always assume the guy going 20 in a 35 is Asian.
^
Asians could very well be taking the brunt of the blame for all of our bad driving skills.

You know my black girlfriend hates it when I call her the n word.
But if she's gunna act neurotic, I'm gunna call her out on it.

You know watching a child die is the worst possible thing in the world.
But hiding the body can't be a walk in the park either.
^
Well, it can be a walk in the park ... if that's where you've decided you wanna hide the body.

You know I have fucked a lot of women...over...
...as a car insurance salesman.

You know it really makes me mad when people refer to me as a man of the people.
I can't they would just so blatantly assume my gender.

You know I've always hated the Strip Club.
I've just always found Bring Your Kid to Work Day super boring.

Why do KKK members where sheets over their heads?
*Sweet Soft Voice* Because racism is an ugly thing that no one should ever have to look at.

What is wrong with our society today?
It is the economy? ISIS? Or the fact that auto correct recognizes proper nouns, unless its a black girl name.
^
I think that before we worry about defeating the terrorists, we gotta deal with these culturally insensitive iPhones.
I'm starting to get worried. Because I honestly don't think that Ameenah is that obscure of a name.
^
At this point, I think my iPhone is just fucking with me.
^
Guys, I'm scared. What if Siri is a member of the Alt-Right?

Growing up my Father used to be beat my Brother and I.
At every game of monopoly we ever played.
^
And then he would proceed to rape us.
At shoots and latters.
^
But worst of all, he used to tell me that my Brother was better then me.
*Sped up* At monopoly, we had a ranking system. first place, second place, third place.

You know at work, I'm supposed to where a name tag.
But I hate labels.

You know I don't think it's fair the way we judge Jeffrey Dahmer.
I mean, can we honestly look ourselves in the mirror and say that he was the only man in the world who liked getting head?

It's unfortunate that so many children die in school shootings.
But if it's the inspiration "Foster the People" needs, then those kids needed to die.

You know, I've never really liked the beach.
But..if my Sister-In-Law was nicer to me, I wouldn't have to call her a beach.

You know they say Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year.
^
And they call Disneyland the happiest place on Earth.
Do you think that's because there's no Jews allowed?

Why was the holocaust so sad?
Because it gave Roman Polanski an Oscar.

Why is the word "gay" a synonym for "happy"?
Because gay people can't get pregnant.

I can't believe that the first person to contract AIDS fucked a monkey.
I can't believe it because when I fuck monkeys, I always wear a condom.

You know who really gave good head?
My High School gym teacher.
^
No. No. No. I'm just kidding, do you know who makes some of the best videos of people getting head?
ISIS.
^
Do you wanna know the difference between ISIS beheading videos and pornhub?
I don't masturbate to videos on pornhub.

*angry* Do you know what kind of person you have to be to join the Klu Klux Klan?
Because I've sent my job resume to them several times, and they haven't returned any of my calls.

MS-13 gang symbols have been popping up in my neighborhood recently, and people are starting to get really worried.
And I'm confused, why are we so scared of a 13 year old boy with multiple sclerosis?

Why are gay people always having parades?
I mean seriously, how can people with AIDS walk that fast?

I don't use erasers ...
... because I don't have any regrets in life.

What do you call a woman whose always bugging around in your personal life?
My court appointed psychiatrist.

I hate the fact that women are always screaming at me.
But if your gonna leave your window open, I'm gonna crawl thru it.

What's the worst part of getting a toothy blowjob?
Having to see your Uncle at the family reunions afterwards.

I hate doing math homework,
for my 9 year old girlfriend.
^
But if she takes all night, we're not gonna have much time for sex.

There's a fear people have that if they don't lock their doors at night, someones are going to break in.
... But I've always preferred a challenge.
^
And let me tell you, I was absolutely livid, when I found out that my community college doesn't offer any lock picking classes.

Why are there so many reported cases of men raping women, and so few reported cases of women raping men?
Because its not rape if you like it.
^
Unless your gay, then that bitch is going to jail.

What do you call it when a man sticks 2 fingers inside a woman's vagina?
A gynecology exam.

You know who likes getting laid?
Chickens.
^
You know a guy once called me a chicken.
And I said, "Oh what, just because I like getting laid?"

You wanna know how I know my girlfriend's Jewish?
She hogs the covers.

What do you say to a guy who doesn't know if he's straight or not?
Hey man, you look a little bent out of shape.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Korean BBQ

How do you say hello to a person who's Chinese, who only speaks Chinese?
You shouldn't talk to people outside your own race.

How do cats make people sneeze?
By sticking shaving cream in their hands and feathers under their noses.

Why is it that whenever I go to the movies, their are always black people hollering?
Every time I set off the fire alarm.
^
No, but I'm serious. Why are black people always talking at the movie theater?
Telling me to put my phone away.

Why are black women so loud and obnoxious?
Every time I try to put in their butt without asking.

What do you call a jar of mayonnaise that studies quantum physics?
Stephen Hawking

Thomas Jefferson, the man who literally wrote the Declaration of Independence, fucked so many black chicks ...
... he might as well be a Kardashian.
^
And while we're on this topic, why is called jungle fervor?
Every black girl I've ever been with was always shaved down there.

What do professional waxers and McDonalds cashiers [lawyers] have in common?
They both stare at assholes all day.

you know sometimes I look in the mirror and I say, "Who the fuck do you think you are?" And I realize Im high, and I cant remember my own name. you know who really got good head? Lee Harvey Oswald You know what jeffrey dahmer and Bill clinton have in common? Theyre both super famous for getting really good head. Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's Minister of Media, had a PhD in Philosophy. See! It's not true what they say, Liberal Arts Majors can be very successful! Whats the similiarity between me and Vietnam? I always pull out at the last second. ^ My girlfriend hates that joke. ^ Probably because Planned Parenthood just stopped doing their buy one get one free deals. What do Jay-lo and Julius Caesar have in common? They both had their pussies beaten by Mark Anthony. What do you call a boy that wants to be a girl? A faggot. What do you call a salad with no ranch dressing? Grass God, dont you hate that feeling of home sickness? When you're near your Mom's vagina. Why do you kids in High School get bullied? Because their fat. ^ HS logic. shes not fat enough to bully. there are fatter ppl to bully. Whats the difference between santa claus and a black father? Santa Claus comes to visit once a year.

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